I stood. “This is not possible,” I said in a voice loud enough that several of our colleagues glanced up at us from their meals.
Bliss put an avuncular hand on my shoulder. “I am afraid that it is so. Forgive me for having informed you in so public a place. I thought you knew.”
Bliss had gone pale. He was a gentle scientist, unused to displays of emotion. “Shall we step outside a minute?” he asked.
I went, as a steer will be nudged toward the abattoir.
“Of course, we were much dismayed ourselves,” Bliss added when we were safely outside the building. “But Keep is formidably persuasive. And my niece apparently made little protest, or if she did, I do not know about it. Doubtless she was glad to see her sister again, and perhaps to return to her home, even if the circumstances are a bit …” (he hesitated) “… compromised.”
I could not absorb the blow. “What is the address?” I demanded. “I must go to see her.”
“Now, now,” said Bliss, again employing the restraining hand on my shoulder. “I shouldn’t want you to get too exercised about this. I am sure she will write you in good time.”
“But I love her!” I blurted. “I wish to have her for a wife! It is all I wish for!”
“Oh, my dear man,” Bliss said, dropping his hand. “Van Tassel, you surprise me.” But I could see that he was surprised only by the occasion and the vehemence of my declaration, not by the fact of it, which he had doubtless anticipated. “Has Etna returned this… this love?” he asked gently.
“Not in so many words,” I said. “But I believe she is not averse to my affection.”
“Have you spoken to her of this?”
“Just five days ago,” I answered.
I spun away from him, my hands in my hair. I could scarcely think. Etna gone?
“You must get ahold of yourself,” Bliss said. “I am sure she is carefully considering your proposal. Allow my niece to write you and explain her abrupt departure for herself. Perhaps in that letter you will have the answer to your question.”
I shook my head, too bewildered to reply.
“Now let us go in to our dinners, which have grown cold in our absence,” he said. “I shall call for some brandy to restore your color.”
But I could not reenter that dining hall, nor converse further with any person, and so I bolted across the lawn, leaving a doubtless much relieved Bliss to return to his Indian pudding. I made it to my rooms without encountering anyone with whom I should have felt compelled to converse. I staggered up the stairs, wanting only privacy. On the hall table just outside my rooms, there was a letter waiting for me.
March 25, 1900
Dear Nicholas,
Please forgive this sudden and abrupt correspondence, but I write to tell you that I have left Thrupp and the household of my kind aunt and uncle to return to my former home in Exeter, now that of my brother-in-law Mr. Josip Keep. The departure was sudden, as Mr. Keep had urgent business at home and could spare only the weekend to come and fetch me. I tell you truthfully that though I had no inkling of his mission prior to his arrival, the choice to leave was mine alone.
I fear I have overstayed my welcome at my uncle’s house, though I assure you they gave me no hint of this at any time. And since I do wish to be useful in my life, and not merely dependent upon the kindness ofothers, I thought it best to take up residence with my sister so that I may help to educate her children. My sister, alas, has no love of learning.
But do not imagine that I have made this decision lightly. I have appreciated your company and have valued your friendship greatly. It was always stimulating for me, and I doubt I should have borne my exile with as much good cheer had I not had the anticipation of your visits and the distraction of the lovely books you lent me. (The Hardy, by the way, is with my uncle. He said that he would have it delivered to your rooms.)
As to your offer of marriage, I cannot consider your proposal at this time, as I am sure you must know. I release you from all commitment whatsoever and shall understand perfectly if you should choose to take my departure for a refusal. I cannot say to what decision I should have come had I remained at Thrupp; I had no time to ponder your grave request and the equally grave responsibility of answering it.
I know that this will not be easy for you, but you must not think it was easy for me either. I shall miss your companionship. I hope you will find solace in your work and that the Lord will keep you safe in all your endeavors.
I remain, most sincerely yours,
Etna Bliss
It was fortunate that I had thought to bring the letter into my rooms before opening it, for I then behaved in an unseemly manner that might have made another cringe to behold. How long I was in this state I cannot say, but gradually I calmed myself, and though I was subject to intermittent and brief seizures of both anger and grief, I was finally able to regain my composure. I had not come so far to go down so easily in defeat.