"Really?" I asked again. "Am I really so helpless against you? Would you subject me to pain and terror, Jace?"
"I've hurt women before, Olivia." He said stiffly. "I've seen fear flash in their eyes and I have listened to terror claim their voice."
"I'm not talking about them, Jace." I said. "I'm talking about me. Would you hurt me?"
"I don't know." He stared straight into my eyes.
"Yes, you do." I stared back at him. "Tell me the truth."
He sighed, running a hand through thick inky hair. "I don't want to hurt you. Ever. I don't want you afraid of me." His hand shook just the faintest amount and my heart lurched. "But I can't promise you that I will never hurt you. I can't promise I'll never scare you."
I smiled gently. "That's good enough for me."
"Is it?" He snarled.
"Yes." I nodded. "I trust you, Jace. My trust for you is the only reason I allow you to bind me. Because I believe you would protect me rather than hurt me. I am trusting you to catch me when I fall, because I won't be able to catch myself."
Tension spread in his body, leaking into his face. "Fuck Angel," he leaned down to kiss my lips. "I'll always catch you when you fall."
"I know." I whispered and he swallowed my words of confidence in him as he deepened the kiss. My eyes closed and my lips moved against his. I tried to ignore the way my heart throbbed in my chest with feelings I knew I should try with all my heart to reign in. But I couldn't. I wanted to let those very feelings run loose. I loved Jace. There were no if's and's or buts about it. But for the time being, I would keep those emotions locked away inside me. I would show him I loved him in the only way I knew how. I would sate his needs and try to understand his condition. Because there was nothing else I could do. To love someone completely, you had to understand their demons just as you had to understand their angels. In true companionship, you must accept both the good and the bad. I knew the good in Jace. It was time I met the bad.
Jace pulled away from me and went to work releasing my wrists. I didn't open my eyes. I was exhausted. I needed sleep or I wouldn't be able comprehend a simple sentence.
***
I sat on the edge of the bed watching Olivia sleep. She was so beautiful and so mine. I'd staked my claim on her, but I knew deep down there was nothing holding her to me. Apart from sex and money, I had nothing to offer her. I was a shell of a man who was incapable of feeling any true emotion. I couldn't give her everything she surely wanted. I couldn't be the man she needed me to be, but damn - I was selfish enough to try and bind her to me none-the-less.
"Shit," I ran a hand through my hair for the thousandth time. I couldn't sleep. As much as I wanted to pull her into my chest and fall into the peace she found so easily, I just couldn't. For reasons beyond me, I was terrified of losing her. I knew what it meant to live without her and I knew I couldn't go back to that. But I didn't know how to keep her. My needs were distorted at best and down right fucked-up at worst. She thought she could be everything for me, but I didn't know if I could allow that. I didn't know if I wanted her to be everything. I'd taken it easy on her tonight. I'd shown her the good parts of BDSM. But there were so many other sectors of that kind of relationship. And, although I yearned for it, I fucking couldn't allow myself to subject her to those ways. I just couldn't. I had to find a way around it. For her. Not because I loved her…but because I needed her. Again, it was selfish. I was selfish.
My sex life was the only aspect in my life where I'd always been selfish. It was where I found release. Where I found control. As much as it looks like I am in control of my life, I'm not. My fuck of a father left me the company, forcing me to run his screwed up business despite the fact that I had no desire what-so-ever to do it. He raised me to become a businessman and I was just as cuttingly shrewd as he always wanted me to be. Without intention, I had turned into my father.
I threw another glance into Olivia's direction where she was curled up in the center of my bed with the blankets clutched tightly to her chest. She looked peaceful and innocent in sleep. I knew I would taint her purity with my darkness, but I just couldn't fathom the idea of walking away from her. Not again. The thought of losing her sent a jolting pain into my gut and my breathing shortened. I stood in shock and quickly crossed the room to the door. I needed food. Or drink. I needed something to take my mind off Olivia.
It was only Friday and I knew I should be at the office. But I wasn't and so long as Olivia was here, I had no plans on going in. I would have to improvise and use my home office. With a shrug, I descended the stairs and spotted Mrs. Clark working away in the kitchen.