He nodded, but the pain in his eyes tore me apart inside. I didn't even know how that was possible. I was already a ruin.
Jace spoke. His tone was sad. "When I met Lexie, I was young and foolish. I trusted her enough to show her my innermost sexual desires, and she used them against me."
My stomach dropped. "What are your desires, Jace? Tell me what you really want."
"I enjoy inflicting both pain and humiliation upon the women I fuck, Olivia." He spat the words. "I'm a sadomasochist."
There was that word again...the one Lexie used while referring to Jace. But, how can that be when he is so gentle and caring with me? How is it possible for him to restrain the obvious urges he houses within himself while with me?
"I need you to explain, Jace."
He ran a hand through disheveled black hair and my stomach knotted. "I employ tools during sexual intercourse that allow me to derive both humiliation and pain...and sometimes pleasure from the women I fuck. I'm excited at the sight of their fear shinning in their eyes as they kneel before me, waiting to pleasure me without the knowledge I will satisfy them in return. A thrill runs through me at the thought of filling them with shame, flooding them with humiliation." He shrugged at my horrified expression. How could the man I love be so...cruel? "It's just who I am, Olivia. I can't help it."
I nodded. I'd asked...and he told. "Have you ever wanted to...do those things to me?"
His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed into a tight line. "We're not going there."
"Yes, we are." I said. "I want to know, Jace. I need to know."
"Of course I've thought about it, Olivia." He growled. He looked like a man about to lose his sanity.
"What do you fantasize about...with me?" I didn't know why I kept pressing for answers I didn't really want...but, I just couldn't stop myself. I needed to know.
Jace stepped toward me. "You want to know what I fantasize about doing to you?" His tone was low and menacing as he closed the distance between us. "I want to tie your pretty wrists behind your back until they mark red. I want to hear your whimpers as the whip in my hand meets with your pale, smooth skin. I want to see fear shinning bright in your pretty brown eyes as you look up at me from your knees. And, I want to see humiliation pale your skin before pleasure takes its place in a bloom of pink. I want to fuck you hard and rough, Olivia. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
My stomach was knotted and my entire body shook...but, no longer from the cold. I was conflicted. There was a sick part of me that ached to satisfy him regardless of my feelings of detest at his desires. I loved him...and some would say love is blind.
"What happened with Lexie?" I forced myself to ask.
"She was willing to submit to my needs. Nothing more." Jace replied harshly.
"Did you love her?" I whispered.
"No."
My eyes flickered to his and I knew we were standing on thin ice. "And, the baby?"
His eyes turned sad. "I didn't know she was pregnant. She didn't tell me until it was too late."
I was taken aback. "You didn't know?"
"No."
"Then how..."
"She was pregnant. My sexual relationships can be rough. I didn't know, I swear." Desperation clouded his eyes and he continued. "The doctor said she miscarried because of our...endeavors."
"You were too rough for her to carry a child?" I felt ill.
"Yes." Jace nodded. "Again, I did not know."
"Would you have stopped?" I asked.
His brows furrowed. "Of course."
"She hates you." I said.
"I know." He nodded. "With good reason. But, she sued me for her loss. She claimed she was not a consenting partner. I've been paying her out ever since." He dragged a hand over his face. "It's why I have a contract now."
I felt my skin tingle. "The contract I signed?"
"Has been reformed for you." Jace said quickly. "I didn't want you to know this side of me."
"Why?"
"Because you look at me differently. You're different from every other woman and I wanted you for you. For once in my life, I just wanted to please you."
"How many others have there been?"
"A few?"
"After Lexie?" I prayed he would say there had been no other.
"There have been others since Lexie." He admitted.
"And, they all signed your...contract."
"With glee." Jace replied.
I shook my head. "Why are you like this? What made you so...cruel?"
At my words, Jace's eyes were pained. "There is no reason. I'm just this way. I need to control both things and people, Olivia. It's who I am."