Chloe doesn't understand … no one does. They don't understand why I'm not running for the hills after what Drake did to me. They don't understand that he was the first one to comfort me and make me whole again when I arrived here … even if it was him who broke me in the end … I love Drake more than I should, I know that, I'm not afraid of Drake, I'm afraid of his wolf and what his wolf could do to me when he's angry. Of course I'm upset that Drake wasn't strong enough to control his wolf but I saw how it hurt him to see and think of what he did to me. Chloe and the others don't know the full story about what else I've been hiding from them and what I've done behind Drakes back, how I've acted with the twins and Jax while Drake has been loyal to me the entire time.
I need Drake … I didn't know it then but I know it now. Everything seems crystal clear now but I know as soon as I see the twins I will start rethinking all these feelings. I know deep down that I love Jax and I most probably always will but he would never be able to love me the same way and I guess this is why I'm backing away from him and trying to keep my distance.
"Why didn't you tell me? You should have come to me and I would have helped you!" He sounds hurt.
"I knew something was wrong last night, you were so distant … fuck Lexi! I should have been there for you! This is why this whole wolf and human thing will never work out! We have impulsive tempers and when our wolf is angry, it's hard to control them. Drake's wolf is out of control baby. He was before you came, we thought you would be able to calm him and you did … in the beginning. We didn't think his possessiveness of you would take it this far. You need to stay away from him." Jax says holding me firmly in his arms but as soon as I think of being away from Drake permanently I start to panic.
I push away from Jax, "No Jax you don't know anything! I knew what I was getting into when he told me he was a wolf. I stayed with him and I won't lose him, this was all Sebastian's fault not Drakes! Drake loves me Jax, HE … loves … ME! I don't care what you think you know, you don't know what's going on between us. I've lost too much already Jax … I can't lose Drake too. I just can't … " I start to cry again and he reaches for me but I move away from him, I climb down the slippery rock.
"Let me help you Lexi, just stay with me and let me look after you … please!" Jax shouts after me in a gruff voice that sounds like he is close to tears. I turn to look at him as I say these last words.
"No Jax, you are not my knight in shining armor anymore, I don't need you to rescue me and save the day … .it's too late to save me." I turn back and head down the path back to my trailer. My body is cold and aching, I want to have a hot shower and leave this place.
I sit on the corner of my bed after having a shower and attempt to summon the energy within me to heal myself. I stare at my hand as I start to feel the tingly sensation in my eyes and then my fingertips start to glow, the little orbs dance on my hand but fizzle out all to soon leaving me exhausted, I'm too weak. I repack my duffel bag and head out the door, thankfully Drake brought my car back.
Driving to Alex I put the music on loud enough so I can't focus on all the memories running through my head. It's dark outside by the time I reach the pack house. I spot Alex sitting on the porch under a blanket with a book in her hand. She immediately looks in my direction when I drive up, I know she doesn't expect to see me home so soon but she has a brilliant smile on her face.
I rapidly put the hood over my head as I run through the rain up the porch.
"Hey Hun, what are you doing back so early?" Alex asks me gesturing for me to give her a hug. I'm reluctant to be touched by anyone but I don't want her to see my hesitance. I step closer to hug her but I don't take the hood of my jacket from my head, my face has a few bruises and a couple healing scratches. I tried to heal myself again in the bathroom when I stopped at the gas station but the bruises on my body only slightly lightened and the pain I felt after was worse than what it was before I attempted to heal myself so I would rather just heal the natural way.
"Just wanted to come home..." I say flatly as I give her a hug and she gives me a tighter one back and I let out a whimper, I've been holding in the pain since I bent down to meet her.
"What's wrong Angel?" she says sitting up looking at me. It's dark on the patio but she probably still can see me clearly with her wolf senses.
"Um … nothing. I'm...ah... just going to go to bed. I'm really tired." I say quietly then leave.
I numbly make my way up to my room and I'm vaguely aware that Alex is calling my name but I continue up the stairs in a daze. I open my window letting the chilly air in, it's only drizzling slightly outside.
I slip my shoes off then climb inside my bed fully clothed. The twin's scents still linger on my pillows but weakly. I pull the pillows closer to me as I think about the twins and Jax. I feel so differently for each of them, I have a deep connection with Jax that I can't explain, I feel like I'm meant to be with him, that I'm supposed to be his and he is meant to be mine. With time this feeling gets stronger and it's becoming harder for me to stay away from him.
I know deep down that I truly love the twins, I also feel a connection with them that's different to how I feel for Drake. The more distance I have between Jax and I the closer I feel to the twins. I have this unexplainable need to be near them and I feel at ease when I'm in their company as if no one else matters and that I belong with them. The connection we have is similar to what I felt when Jax and I were still best friends but since the connection between Jax and I has faltered, I can't help the overbearing need for the twins. They are magnets that are pulling me to them whether I like it or not …
With Drake it's totally different. I don't have this underlying need telling me that I belong to him. Of course I feel that I need him but I don't know whether it's because I did love him from the start or whether I'm truly afraid to leave him. I can't imagine what he would do if I broke things off with him.
He keeps saying that I'm his and that I belong to him as if I'm some sort of possession, I feel differently though when Jax says this or when the twins say it. It just doesn't feel right anymore when I hear it come from Drakes mouth. The closer it gets to my birthday and the day I'm meant to shift the stronger and clearer my feelings are for the boys.
I united with Drake from the start, he was perfect and I knew that I loved him. I never want to betray him again but I'm not sure how long my love for him will last before he destroys that too.
When Drake left today I was sad and angry.
I was angry because it wasn't him that was supposed to leave. I was the one that should have left him! I should have been brave enough but I couldn't do it. I know he's leaving to get help but I don't understand how he could just choose to leave without telling me. Especially after he hurt me like he did. I wasn't strong enough to leave him, I envy that he was able to make a decision like that despite his feelings for me. I've become weak and too dependent on others and I don't like it.
I was upset and I didn't want him to leave me alone, even though I knew I had my friends there, I felt alone … it felt like everyone was leaving me, first James and my friends back home, then Georgina left before Jax decided he didn't want me anymore and I didn't want Drake to be next … I just wanted him to stay. This frustrated me that after what he did to me and how he treated me, I could just push that aside and hold him tight not wanting to let him go even if my mind was screaming at me to hide and run far away from him.
I don't know why I held on to him and begged him to stay. I don't know how I could love him and want him after what he did. He ruined me but I still loved him and blame myself for what happened.
I lay there thinking not even realizing Alex is in my room until she sits on the bed next to me.
"Hun please tell me what's wrong? You don't seem like yourself?" she says patting my back over the blanket. I hold back a wince as her hand lands on the abrasions.
I pull the hoodie so it covers my face even though I'm not facing her, I don't want her to see anything. I haven't been able to look in the mirror since the night I had to cover the damaged with makeup. I just can't bare to look at myself and see the damaged he's caused. I know I've healed most of the bruises and my swollen eye but I can feel the scratches and there is still slight bruising. I could cover it up with makeup but I just don't have the energy. I haven't eaten since the day Ronny bought us pizza and to tell you the truth I just don't have the appetite.