Alexia Eden (FairyTales Don't Exist)(63)

"No Lex, you don't deserve any of what I did. You deserve better than  me. Please don't hate me my Lex … please don't." Drake begs me. I remove  my hand from him and back away I'm up against the head board. I wrap my  arms around my legs and hide my face as I repeat the words his wolf said  last night. I'm so scared of him but I can't seem to move my legs to  run away. I feel him gently run his hands over my wet hair then he pulls  my aching body into his big warm arms.

I want to hate him so much for what he did to me, I want to shout and  scream at him and make him feel like shit but I can't … I love Drake too  much to ever want to harm him.

I wrap my arms around his broad waist as he holds my head gently to his  chest with his mouth in the crook of my neck, he inhales my scent.

"I don't hate you Drake … I …  I wish I did though." I whisper into his  chest knowing that he hears me. I feel his body tremble as he cries with  his head in the crook of my neck. I can feel the droplets of his tears  running down my neck, I lift my head onto his shoulder as I look out the  window at the beautiful full moon that can be seen from where I'm  sitting, I think about the twins.         

     



 

Are they seeing the same beautiful moon I am? Are they thinking about  me? Will they ever hurt me like Drake has? I wish I was with them  now … they could make me feel better but I can never be with them. Drake  will kill them and destroy everything I love.

As Drake holds me tight in his warm embrace I give in to his warmth and  protectiveness but inside I really just want to thrash loose out of his  grasp and run until I find a quiet corner to hide where no one will find  me.

I feel Drake letting go, I gently move away from him as he opens the  sheets for the bed, trying to avoid his touch I quickly climb in bed so  he hasn't got a reason to touch me or help me in.

I noticed my bed has been made with new linen and it smells fresh and  clean so I know he must have changed the bedding. Under different  circumstances I would have thought the gesture was sweet but in reality I  know the only reason he changed it was because he couldn't stand to be  reminded of what he did to me.

By covering all the evidence it may put him at ease but I'll always know  what's beneath these covers, it will always be tainted …   damaged … disgraced and never the way it was before. No matter how hard I  try to forget … I will always remember how he destroyed me.

I roll over so I can look at my favorite view, the view that reminds me  that there are still beautiful things out there … things that haven't been  destroyed by man.

Drake is behind me and I can feel his body inching closer to mine. He  comes right up behind me and I wince as his abdomen is against my ass.  My lower body is still aching from the violence he inflicted last  night … so wild and animalistic. It was so unlike the gentle way Drake  usually touches me when he's intimate. I cringe at the memory.

Drake leans on his elbow looking down at my curled up form, I can see  him watching me over but I can't get the courage to look at his  beautiful eyes …  how black and hateful they were last night will always  be a reminder of how easily my Drake can change into the monster that's  hidden within him.

"Sebastian wants me to tell you how sorry he is and how much he hates  himself for what he did to you. I just wanted you to know that he loves  you so much it drives him crazy and when he heard about  you … kissing...someone else … . he couldn't control himself." Drake says  with a rough voice.

I wince at the mention of his wolf, the wolf that made him do this to  me. I may still love Drake but I'm not sure about my feelings for  Sebastian right now. I nod my head not knowing what to say to that. Do I  say I accept his apology and that he is forgiven? I can't say  that...because I could never forgive him.

Well not yet anyway.

He places the arm he's not leaning on over me and I look up to meet those perfect hazel eyes.

"Lexi … I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you, even if my  wolf was in control I should have fought harder. I'm blocking him out  because of what he made me do to you and I know it's no excuse that I'm  blaming my wolf for what happened but I need you to know that it wasn't  me, I had no control over him. I would never want any harm to come to  you, I love you so much and it's killing me seeing you in so much pain  from what he did to you. I had to watch and be there while he took away  all your trust in me, I was screaming and begging him to stop and I saw  how rough he was and how much pain you were in and it killed me that I  couldn't do anything, he's out of control. I'm going to get help Lexi, I  never want to be the one watching helplessly as my wolf hurts you, I  need to get stronger. I don't think I can live with myself for what he  did, I don't want there to be a chance that it could happen again."

I whimper at the thought of him hurting me again … I don't think I could live through that.

"Babe … please talk to me? Are you okay?" Drake says sounding worried.

"No Drake I'm not okay … I … I can't get over what you did … what Sebastian  did. I trusted you from the moment I met you even in your wolf form, I  don't trust easily and what you did … what Sebastian did? Broke all of  that. I felt safe with you, I hadn't felt safe in a very long time and I  never depended on someone like I've let myself depend on you but you  fucked that up too. I don't care who was in control! It's still your  face that I see doing it when I close my eyes. It's your eyes I'm too  afraid to look at because it reminds me of those black cold ones that  stared at me last night while you … your wolf …  disciplined me. And it's  YOU that I'm scared of!" I say harshly as the tears falls onto my  pillow.         

     



 

I see him flinch when I mention the whipping. I watch his sad eyes as  the tears tremble down his cheek but I continue my rant until I had  nothing left to say. Just saying all of that exhausts me but I'm too  afraid to fall asleep in case the flashbacks return and I have to relive  what he did to me.

"I know …  I'm so sorry Lex, I know what I did and how much I hurt you. I  hate myself  … I'm so sorry. I love you so much my baby. Please don't be  scared of me … please … it's me here, not him! I will keep you safe I  promise. Please don't be afraid of me … please." He begs me as he cries  into my neck hiding his face from me and his whole body trembles while  he begs me not to be afraid of him.

"I'm sorry Drake but I can't switch it off, I can't get it out of my  head how cruel and horrible you were to me, I've never been more scared  in my life. You destroyed the beautiful thing we shared with one  horrible violent act that I don't think I could ever forget … you ruined  all that. It was so painful that it's imprinted in my mind whenever you  come close. I can't even walk straight or sit down, I was screaming for  you to stop, I begged you Drake and you continued. I can't stand you  being near me now. And right now with your body against me like that is  making me more terrified than I already am. You don't realize what you  have done to me … you will never understand … . I love you so much that I  can't even hate you for what you did. When you cry I just want to hold  you and make you feel better the way you used to make me feel safe … but I  don't feel safe in your arms anymore …  I just want to run away and never  come back to this place where all the reminders are but I can't leave  you because I need you. I'm so pathetic … .I need you more than I should."  I say as I cry clutching the pillow to my face.

"You can't leave me, you can't runaway … I need you too Lexi! We need each  other …  I know we do. I promise I will make everything better but you  can't leave me. You won't get better until I fix this, only I can help  you Lexi, only me. I'm going to get help. I love you my baby. I'm so  sorry … " He says as he cuddles up to my back holding me tight, the fact  that I can't see his face and my nose is blocked from crying eases me  and his words about him fixing this, fixing me is hypnotizing me into  thinking that its true. I make myself think that I'm surrounded by Talon  or Tyler and it slightly calms me even though I'm still nervous, I need  this warmth and the protectiveness that Drake is giving me now more  than ever.I fall asleep in his warm embrace seeking comfort from the man  that caused me to be frightened in the first place …

I wake up cold with my entire body stiff. I see my phone on the side of  the bed and stretch my arm out to see that it's already three on a  Saturday afternoon. How was I able to sleep for so long?

I look around for Drake but he isn't there, his bag that was on the floor is gone and I automatically start to panic.

Where is he? He can't leave me … please be here …