"No Lex, you don't deserve any of what I did. You deserve better than me. Please don't hate me my Lex … please don't." Drake begs me. I remove my hand from him and back away I'm up against the head board. I wrap my arms around my legs and hide my face as I repeat the words his wolf said last night. I'm so scared of him but I can't seem to move my legs to run away. I feel him gently run his hands over my wet hair then he pulls my aching body into his big warm arms.
I want to hate him so much for what he did to me, I want to shout and scream at him and make him feel like shit but I can't … I love Drake too much to ever want to harm him.
I wrap my arms around his broad waist as he holds my head gently to his chest with his mouth in the crook of my neck, he inhales my scent.
"I don't hate you Drake … I … I wish I did though." I whisper into his chest knowing that he hears me. I feel his body tremble as he cries with his head in the crook of my neck. I can feel the droplets of his tears running down my neck, I lift my head onto his shoulder as I look out the window at the beautiful full moon that can be seen from where I'm sitting, I think about the twins.
Are they seeing the same beautiful moon I am? Are they thinking about me? Will they ever hurt me like Drake has? I wish I was with them now … they could make me feel better but I can never be with them. Drake will kill them and destroy everything I love.
As Drake holds me tight in his warm embrace I give in to his warmth and protectiveness but inside I really just want to thrash loose out of his grasp and run until I find a quiet corner to hide where no one will find me.
I feel Drake letting go, I gently move away from him as he opens the sheets for the bed, trying to avoid his touch I quickly climb in bed so he hasn't got a reason to touch me or help me in.
I noticed my bed has been made with new linen and it smells fresh and clean so I know he must have changed the bedding. Under different circumstances I would have thought the gesture was sweet but in reality I know the only reason he changed it was because he couldn't stand to be reminded of what he did to me.
By covering all the evidence it may put him at ease but I'll always know what's beneath these covers, it will always be tainted … damaged … disgraced and never the way it was before. No matter how hard I try to forget … I will always remember how he destroyed me.
I roll over so I can look at my favorite view, the view that reminds me that there are still beautiful things out there … things that haven't been destroyed by man.
Drake is behind me and I can feel his body inching closer to mine. He comes right up behind me and I wince as his abdomen is against my ass. My lower body is still aching from the violence he inflicted last night … so wild and animalistic. It was so unlike the gentle way Drake usually touches me when he's intimate. I cringe at the memory.
Drake leans on his elbow looking down at my curled up form, I can see him watching me over but I can't get the courage to look at his beautiful eyes … how black and hateful they were last night will always be a reminder of how easily my Drake can change into the monster that's hidden within him.
"Sebastian wants me to tell you how sorry he is and how much he hates himself for what he did to you. I just wanted you to know that he loves you so much it drives him crazy and when he heard about you … kissing...someone else … . he couldn't control himself." Drake says with a rough voice.
I wince at the mention of his wolf, the wolf that made him do this to me. I may still love Drake but I'm not sure about my feelings for Sebastian right now. I nod my head not knowing what to say to that. Do I say I accept his apology and that he is forgiven? I can't say that...because I could never forgive him.
Well not yet anyway.
He places the arm he's not leaning on over me and I look up to meet those perfect hazel eyes.
"Lexi … I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you, even if my wolf was in control I should have fought harder. I'm blocking him out because of what he made me do to you and I know it's no excuse that I'm blaming my wolf for what happened but I need you to know that it wasn't me, I had no control over him. I would never want any harm to come to you, I love you so much and it's killing me seeing you in so much pain from what he did to you. I had to watch and be there while he took away all your trust in me, I was screaming and begging him to stop and I saw how rough he was and how much pain you were in and it killed me that I couldn't do anything, he's out of control. I'm going to get help Lexi, I never want to be the one watching helplessly as my wolf hurts you, I need to get stronger. I don't think I can live with myself for what he did, I don't want there to be a chance that it could happen again."
I whimper at the thought of him hurting me again … I don't think I could live through that.
"Babe … please talk to me? Are you okay?" Drake says sounding worried.
"No Drake I'm not okay … I … I can't get over what you did … what Sebastian did. I trusted you from the moment I met you even in your wolf form, I don't trust easily and what you did … what Sebastian did? Broke all of that. I felt safe with you, I hadn't felt safe in a very long time and I never depended on someone like I've let myself depend on you but you fucked that up too. I don't care who was in control! It's still your face that I see doing it when I close my eyes. It's your eyes I'm too afraid to look at because it reminds me of those black cold ones that stared at me last night while you … your wolf … disciplined me. And it's YOU that I'm scared of!" I say harshly as the tears falls onto my pillow.
I see him flinch when I mention the whipping. I watch his sad eyes as the tears tremble down his cheek but I continue my rant until I had nothing left to say. Just saying all of that exhausts me but I'm too afraid to fall asleep in case the flashbacks return and I have to relive what he did to me.
"I know … I'm so sorry Lex, I know what I did and how much I hurt you. I hate myself … I'm so sorry. I love you so much my baby. Please don't be scared of me … please … it's me here, not him! I will keep you safe I promise. Please don't be afraid of me … please." He begs me as he cries into my neck hiding his face from me and his whole body trembles while he begs me not to be afraid of him.
"I'm sorry Drake but I can't switch it off, I can't get it out of my head how cruel and horrible you were to me, I've never been more scared in my life. You destroyed the beautiful thing we shared with one horrible violent act that I don't think I could ever forget … you ruined all that. It was so painful that it's imprinted in my mind whenever you come close. I can't even walk straight or sit down, I was screaming for you to stop, I begged you Drake and you continued. I can't stand you being near me now. And right now with your body against me like that is making me more terrified than I already am. You don't realize what you have done to me … you will never understand … . I love you so much that I can't even hate you for what you did. When you cry I just want to hold you and make you feel better the way you used to make me feel safe … but I don't feel safe in your arms anymore … I just want to run away and never come back to this place where all the reminders are but I can't leave you because I need you. I'm so pathetic … .I need you more than I should." I say as I cry clutching the pillow to my face.
"You can't leave me, you can't runaway … I need you too Lexi! We need each other … I know we do. I promise I will make everything better but you can't leave me. You won't get better until I fix this, only I can help you Lexi, only me. I'm going to get help. I love you my baby. I'm so sorry … " He says as he cuddles up to my back holding me tight, the fact that I can't see his face and my nose is blocked from crying eases me and his words about him fixing this, fixing me is hypnotizing me into thinking that its true. I make myself think that I'm surrounded by Talon or Tyler and it slightly calms me even though I'm still nervous, I need this warmth and the protectiveness that Drake is giving me now more than ever.I fall asleep in his warm embrace seeking comfort from the man that caused me to be frightened in the first place …
I wake up cold with my entire body stiff. I see my phone on the side of the bed and stretch my arm out to see that it's already three on a Saturday afternoon. How was I able to sleep for so long?
I look around for Drake but he isn't there, his bag that was on the floor is gone and I automatically start to panic.
Where is he? He can't leave me … please be here …