I avoid everyone's gaze as I make my way to the end of the table as far away from Jax as possible, I choose the chair nearest to the wooden railing facing the water and I have the perfect view of the ocean, the drop from the deck is pretty high.
I hold the chair as I slowly ease my way into it without causing a scene and I eventually get seated. Chloe moves one seat up so she is at the other head of the table right next to me with Ronny opposite me.
I look around at my friends, they obviously noticed I haven't given them my usually hugs when I greet them. I feel Drake sit in the chair next to me and I immediately tense as I feel his arm brushing against my left one, I clench my fist trying not to think about it. I feel soft hands wrap around my hand that's holding tightly onto the wooden seat. I look up to see Chloe looking sadly at me as she mouths "you okay?" And I nod quickly. Then she glares at Drake next to me who's currently chatting with Jax that is seated at the other end of the table.
"Are you enjoying living with Alex?" Rachel asks me, I look up to her, she's obviously trying to start a conversation but I'm really not interested in small talk right now.
"It's fine thanks, I love it." I reply giving her a fake smile, I notice Jax at the corner of my eye as he immediately stops talking to Drake and waits to hear my answer but I avoid looking his way at all costs.
Drake puts his arm over the back of my chair and I instantly sit up straight making sure my back doesn't touch him. He uses his hand and pulls me back into him, I close my eyes and wince as my shoulder comes into contact with his body.
I notice Ronny hasn't said a word but she seems to be studying me, I look at her and she nods her head towards Drake who's back to having a conversation with the boys at the end of the table. She mouths, "Everything okay?"
I look up to make sure that Drake still has his head turned away from me before I look back at her and reply. I nod my head and try to smile but the smile doesn't reach my lips.
I look down at the menu in front of me as the waitress comes to take our orders. She is shamelessly checking Drake out, Drake removes his arm from my shoulder and smirks at her as he now takes in full view of her body, from head to toe, Ronny lets out a growl in front of me as well as Rachel.
"Hi there, can I take your orders?" she says looking at each of us but her eyes linger over Drake. Drake orders for me before I can open my mouth to speak.
"She can order her own food Drake." Ronny scowls.
"I'm paying, so no she can't." Drake says bitterly not looking at me once, making everyone at the table seam uneasy. I look out into the ocean avoiding everyone's scrutiny, including Jax's.
"How about you Drake, What can I get you?" the pretty blond waitress smiles and winks at him.
I wince as he flirts back, "How about you … later?" he says softly with a smile but I can hear him on my side and I'm pretty sure judging by the growls that the rest of the table heard him too. However he avoids everyone as she writes down what I'm guessing is her number on a piece of paper and hands it to him.
I feel everyone's eyes back on me so I turn my head to look out into the ocean once again. I look at Chloe who's looking at me with that sad pity filled look and I give her quick smile to make her see I'm okay … even if I'm not.
I'm trying my hardest not to cry and break into one huge sob fest.
What happened to my Drake, my perfect beautiful Drake? What happened to what we had? How can he do this to me? Is this how it's going to be from now on? If I wasn't so afraid of the repercussions I would haul ass out of here and never come back.
I stealthily wipe away a stray tear with my one finger, careful not to get any more attention that I'm already receiving and continue to look at the ocean tuning everyone else out and try to get my shit together. There's a reason he's acting this way. I deserve everything he-
"What the fuck Drake? Lexi is sitting right there!" my thoughts are interrupted when Jax yells at Drake.
"So?" Drake says not giving a fuck that I witnessed the plans he was making to hook up with another girl later. The thought makes me tremble.
I look down at my fingers on my lap, everyone must be confused as to what is happening right now and why I'm just sitting here not saying anything.
Truth is … I'm too scared … .
"What is wrong with you? Why are you two so distant? What happened? You weren't like this yesterday when I saw you two together." Ronny says slamming her hand on the table making me whimper. She frowns at me giving me a confused look. Chloe puts her hand over my trembling one.
"Dude she couldn't have been that bad in bed?" Jax blurts out randomly making me grasp and whip my head to look at him along with the other girls. I look over at him wide eyed but he turns his head away as he looks at a couple of the other people that sit around the restaurant clearly avoiding me.
Does he know what Drake did to me? Why else would he think something like that? Why would he even say something like that?
I pull my hand away from Chloe's and fiddle with the bottom of my scarf. I can't help the few tears escape when I think of how harsh Jax is to me; I never expected him to be so cruel. Then again, I never expected Drake to painfully force me to love him either.
Guess I deserve that too …
"Don't speak about her like that! What the hell is wrong with you? Both of you! Neither of you deserve her company. Fuck you guys for treating her like shit!" Chloe says standing up shocking everyone, I see regret written all over the two boys faces but my eyes divert back to my hands before they notice me looking. Chloe isn't the aggressive or verbal type but I guess Jax's statement took a step too far. I watch as Drake gradually places his hand on my leg and I freeze, then he wraps his big hand over mine and gently rubs his thumb over it so softly as if apologizing.
As if he doesn't need words to express how sorry he is. But dammit! I need words! I want to hear how sorry he is and how he fucked up! I don't think it will make a difference how I feel about what he did but I need to hear the words come out of his mouth.
Chloe kneels in front of me, "Come on hun, let's go to the bathroom." I quickly remove my hand from Drakes as she helps me up, I groan in pain but no one says anything, the whole table is silent as she helps me walk over to the bathroom. As we enter it I lean against the counter and let out a deep breath.
"I can't believe them, you don't deserve this Lex."
she says looking at me.
"I do Chloe … .I deserve everything. I told Jax I loved him, even though I was in love with Drake. Or well at the time I thought I was in love with Drake. Then I let someone talk me into doubting that love. I'm so stupid how could I ever doubt myself? I'm not sure if I even know what love is anymore … because if this is what love does … then I hate it...I don't want it." I say looking at the floor refusing to look at myself in the mirror sitting behind me.
"I'm so sorry Lex, I wish this never happened to you. I know you don't want to tell someone about it but just think about it, maybe someone can help. I'm going to be here if you need anything, but you need to realize you don't deserve this."
"Don't you see Chlo … I did tell someone. I told you and you ARE helping me." I say and she gives me a sad smile in return.
"Am I crazy? I think I am, I must be because even after what he did I still love him especially when I see the old Drake come out. How is that possible? He's a monster, what he did to me … .how angry he was … he's a monster and maybe that's why I'm feeling like this right now. I'm so fucking scared of him Chloe, before any of this happened I was going to end things with him just until I could sort shit out in my head but now? I'm too afraid to leave … I'm such a coward. I love him more than I should." I whisper the last part almost afraid to admit it out loud but I continue to talk as I get everything off my chest.
"How is that even possible? I should hate him right? Yeah … that's what one generally feels after being beaten right? He messed me up, this whole thing fucked me up Chloe, I feel weak and useless as if he's drained all my power and strength from me and now I'm a scared shitless little girl backed into a corner. There's so much shit going on in my head Chlo, I don't know what to do to make it all stop? I don't want to feel anything … " I say wiping the tears away.
"I … I don't even know what to say to all of that … I mean I don't even have advice because I've never been in your situation but I do have something in mind that may help you clear your head or at least numb everything out for a little while?" she sighs.
"What?" I ask confused.