“Just wanted to come home...” I say flatly as I give her a hug and she gives me a tighter one back and I let out a whimper, I’ve been holding in the pain since I bent down to meet her.
“What’s wrong Angel?” she says sitting up looking at me. It’s dark on the patio but she probably still can see me clearly with her wolf senses.
“Um…nothing. I'm...ah... just going to go to bed. I'm really tired.” I say quietly then leave.
I numbly make my way up to my room and I’m vaguely aware that Alex is calling my name but I continue up the stairs in a daze. I open my window letting the chilly air in, it's only drizzling slightly outside.
I slip my shoes off then climb inside my bed fully clothed. The twin’s scents still linger on my pillows but weakly. I pull the pillows closer to me as I think about the twins and Jax. I feel so differently for each of them, I have a deep connection with Jax that I can’t explain, I feel like I’m meant to be with him, that I’m supposed to be his and he is meant to be mine. With time this feeling gets stronger and it’s becoming harder for me to stay away from him.
I know deep down that I truly love the twins, I also feel a connection with them that’s different to how I feel for Drake. The more distance I have between Jax and I the closer I feel to the twins. I have this unexplainable need to be near them and I feel at ease when I’m in their company as if no one else matters and that I belong with them. The connection we have is similar to what I felt when Jax and I were still best friends but since the connection between Jax and I has faltered, I can’t help the overbearing need for the twins. They are magnets that are pulling me to them whether I like it or not…
With Drake it’s totally different. I don’t have this underlying need telling me that I belong to him. Of course I feel that I need him but I don’t know whether it’s because I did love him from the start or whether I’m truly afraid to leave him. I can’t imagine what he would do if I broke things off with him.
He keeps saying that I’m his and that I belong to him as if I'm some sort of possession, I feel differently though when Jax says this or when the twins say it. It just doesn’t feel right anymore when I hear it come from Drakes mouth. The closer it gets to my birthday and the day I’m meant to shift the stronger and clearer my feelings are for the boys.
I united with Drake from the start, he was perfect and I knew that I loved him. I never want to betray him again but I’m not sure how long my love for him will last before he destroys that too.
When Drake left today I was sad and angry.
I was angry because it wasn’t him that was supposed to leave. I was the one that should have left him! I should have been brave enough but I couldn’t do it. I know he’s leaving to get help but I don’t understand how he could just choose to leave without telling me. Especially after he hurt me like he did. I wasn’t strong enough to leave him, I envy that he was able to make a decision like that despite his feelings for me. I’ve become weak and too dependent on others and I don’t like it.
I was upset and I didn’t want him to leave me alone, even though I knew I had my friends there, I felt alone…it felt like everyone was leaving me, first James and my friends back home, then Georgina left before Jax decided he didn't want me anymore and I didn’t want Drake to be next… I just wanted him to stay. This frustrated me that after what he did to me and how he treated me, I could just push that aside and hold him tight not wanting to let him go even if my mind was screaming at me to hide and run far away from him.
I don’t know why I held on to him and begged him to stay. I don’t know how I could love him and want him after what he did. He ruined me but I still loved him and blame myself for what happened.
I lay there thinking not even realizing Alex is in my room until she sits on the bed next to me.
“Hun please tell me what’s wrong? You don’t seem like yourself?” she says patting my back over the blanket. I hold back a wince as her hand lands on the abrasions.
I pull the hoodie so it covers my face even though I'm not facing her, I don’t want her to see anything. I haven't been able to look in the mirror since the night I had to cover the damaged with makeup. I just can’t bare to look at myself and see the damaged he’s caused. I know I’ve healed most of the bruises and my swollen eye but I can feel the scratches and there is still slight bruising. I could cover it up with makeup but I just don’t have the energy. I haven’t eaten since the day Ronny bought us pizza and to tell you the truth I just don’t have the appetite.