Does he know what Drake did to me? Why else would he think something like that? Why would he even say something like that?
I pull my hand away from Chloe’s and fiddle with the bottom of my scarf. I can’t help the few tears escape when I think of how harsh Jax is to me; I never expected him to be so cruel. Then again, I never expected Drake to painfully force me to love him either.
Guess I deserve that too…
“Don’t speak about her like that! What the hell is wrong with you? Both of you! Neither of you deserve her company. Fuck you guys for treating her like shit!” Chloe says standing up shocking everyone, I see regret written all over the two boys faces but my eyes divert back to my hands before they notice me looking. Chloe isn’t the aggressive or verbal type but I guess Jax’s statement took a step too far. I watch as Drake gradually places his hand on my leg and I freeze, then he wraps his big hand over mine and gently rubs his thumb over it so softly as if apologizing.
As if he doesn’t need words to express how sorry he is. But dammit! I need words! I want to hear how sorry he is and how he fucked up! I don’t think it will make a difference how I feel about what he did but I need to hear the words come out of his mouth.
Chloe kneels in front of me, “Come on hun, let’s go to the bathroom.” I quickly remove my hand from Drakes as she helps me up, I groan in pain but no one says anything, the whole table is silent as she helps me walk over to the bathroom. As we enter it I lean against the counter and let out a deep breath.
“I can’t believe them, you don’t deserve this Lex.”
she says looking at me.
“I do Chloe….I deserve everything. I told Jax I loved him, even though I was in love with Drake. Or well at the time I thought I was in love with Drake. Then I let someone talk me into doubting that love. I’m so stupid how could I ever doubt myself? I'm not sure if I even know what love is anymore… because if this is what love does …then I hate it...I don’t want it.” I say looking at the floor refusing to look at myself in the mirror sitting behind me.
“I’m so sorry Lex, I wish this never happened to you. I know you don’t want to tell someone about it but just think about it, maybe someone can help. I’m going to be here if you need anything, but you need to realize you don’t deserve this."
“Don’t you see Chlo…I did tell someone. I told you and you ARE helping me.” I say and she gives me a sad smile in return.
“Am I crazy? I think I am, I must be because even after what he did I still love him especially when I see the old Drake come out. How is that possible? He’s a monster, what he did to me….how angry he was…he’s a monster and maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this right now. I’m so fucking scared of him Chloe, before any of this happened I was going to end things with him just until I could sort shit out in my head but now? I’m too afraid to leave…I’m such a coward. I love him more than I should.” I whisper the last part almost afraid to admit it out loud but I continue to talk as I get everything off my chest.
“How is that even possible? I should hate him right? Yeah… that’s what one generally feels after being beaten right? He messed me up, this whole thing fucked me up Chloe, I feel weak and useless as if he’s drained all my power and strength from me and now I’m a scared shitless little girl backed into a corner. There’s so much shit going on in my head Chlo, I don’t know what to do to make it all stop? I don’t want to feel anything…” I say wiping the tears away.
“I…I don’t even know what to say to all of that… I mean I don’t even have advice because I’ve never been in your situation but I do have something in mind that may help you clear your head or at least numb everything out for a little while?” she sighs.
“What?” I ask confused.
“I have a fake ID, let’s get something strong; it should take the edge off right?” Chloe suggests.
I don’t even want to know where she got the fake ID from. I usually stay away from alcohol just because of what Georgina went through but if it numbs the pain I’m feeling right now then I’ll take it…I’ll take anything.
She leads me out of the bathroom with my arm linked with hers as she orders a tray of shots for us. We head to the other side of the deck where our friends can't see us and sit by a tall bar table that’s in the corner. Its peaceful out here with Chloe, she places the tray down and it has a dozen different types of shots.
“I don’t think this is actually a good idea, especially with you taking pain medicine.” Chloe says.