Please forgive me for the horrible things I’ve said, I never meant one word, drugs and alcohol make you do and say terrible things. I wasn’t well and I was taking whatever I could to stop the pain I got when I thought of him. I pray that you never go through the pain of losing your soul mate Lexi.
I miss him so much and I know you did too but you didn’t want to show it because you were trying to be strong for me. I should have been there for you Lexi. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I destroyed you. I will never forgive myself for the way I’ve treated you.
I love you my baby and you will always be my daughter even though I haven’t been the mother you deserved these last couple of years. I know you probably don’t ever wish to see me again but I am going to get healthy and sober again, I never want to hurt someone the way I’ve hurt you. I’ve caused you to hate me but it’s okay, I deserve that and I love you enough for the both of us. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the hurt I have caused you.
I love you my little Lexi.
Mom xxx
My hands are trembling by the time I read the last sentence, I can see the tear drops that have fallen on the page on my lap and some of the ink in the words have smudged. I didn’t hear Ronny come in but I turn when I see something to my left and I find her leaning against the door staring at me with a sad look. I wipe away the tears and smile at her.
She comes running to me and hops onto the bed as she pulls me into an embrace.
“Aw Lex, I’m sorry, don’t be sad….everything is going to be okay.” She rubs my back and whispers words to comfort me. I look up to her and smile.
“Ron…I’m not crying because I’m sad, I’m happy….she loves me Ron. I thought she hated me…but she still loves me.” I say as I wipe away a few more new tears.
“Lexi is that what you thought? You thought she hated you? Of course she still loves you!” Ronny says in shock.
“Thanks, love you too you know and I missed you also.” I tell her and she smiles at me.
“Love you too babe and I'm so glad you’re back. I think Chloe was getting annoyed with me hovering over her 24/7.” Ron laughs.
We head to the kitchen where Ronny left the pizza she bought us on the counter. We grab the box and head to the lounge and watch some TV catching up on the last few days.
“Can I ask you a question Lex?” Ronny asks and I already know what’s on her mind. Shit…
I put my plate on the table and sit on the couch cross legged as I turn to face her.
“What happened with you and Jax?” she asks looking worried.
“Honestly Ron, I really don’t know. I knew we were a lot closer than friends but we obviously never acted on it because of Drake, one night I let slip that Drake and I were…um…intimate.” I know I'm blushing at this point but I continue.
“He didn’t take it very well, and I knew I was in the wrong though so I accepted the way he handled it but it just went too far.” I swallow down the hurt I feel when I retell my story of that night.
“We hadn’t spoken to each other for a few days and I tried to keep my distance from Drake because I felt so guilty. I was battling to sleep and I was so unhappy because I missed Jax so much. Early that morning before I left I went to the kitchen to get something to drink, I walked into some girl that was leaving Jax’s room…wearing his clothes. I knew he slept with her and it broke my heart, I knew why I was feeling that way, it because I thought I loved him more than a friend Ron.” I tell her sadly.
“I knew you loved each other, I could see it, you guys just need to talk to each other and let out all these feelings that you keep hidden. I AM going to kill him though for screwing that hoe! That wasn’t cool at all.” she says getting angry.
“No Ron, he doesn’t love me like that. He was so quick to sleep with someone while I wasn’t even able to kiss Drake without feeling guilty. I told him how much I loved him, how he hurt me and broke me and he just stood there. He just stood there Ron! He didn’t say anything! I knew from that moment that I needed to end whatever was left of Jax and I.I had so much to think about , I was so conflicted. My head was telling me that I needed to stop being this shit slutty girlfriend and focus on being the girl Drake deserves. I have a lot to discuss with Drake, so much has gone on these past few weeks and I just need to get it all out in the open with him so I can figure out what we both need. These few days I’ve been away I’ve had so much to think about , especially about what I really feel for Drake and Jax, I don’t even know if its love anymore but I needed to see Drake face to face to discuss this with him so I can figure this all out. I don’t want to talk about Jax Ron and I know you want to make us all one big happy family again but…I can’t be around him. I just can’t Ron.” I say as I place all those memories of Jax back into that little black box to remain hidden for as long as humanly possible.