I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It's been a long time since I've had a flashback like that, and I've often found that a quiet, dark place will help me come down from the terror of the memory. Instead, I've walked into a fucking circus filled with so much color and sound that I feel disoriented and woozy.
No doubt seeing Sergei and his kid knocked me backward in time, but I was primed for it. On the way over to the party I listened to a voice mail from my dad that he had left last night. I saw his number on my iPhone screen but didn't answer. I don't ever answer when he calls, but it doesn't stop him. He calls, does his duty and leaves a voice mail, then I won't hear from him until my next game.
This particular voice mail he complained about my line changes. Said I looked sloppy and slow coming off the bench, wasting precious seconds that could be detrimental to the team. I did what I always do, and deleted the voice mail while anger surged through my veins. It stayed with me, even as I was walking up to Leo's house.
"There you are," Cassie purrs from behind, and I feel her fingertips slide up the back of my shirt. While ordinarily I would rebuke Cassie for any type of public display, the mere fact that someone I know is touching and talking to me is helping to ground me somewhat.
I knew Cassie would be here. She's at every Cold Fury party with her sister and Kyle. I can't stand that fucker. He's a pompous ass who thinks the world was built to serve him. His wife Allie is a bitch, and takes pride in spending every bit of Kyle's money as soon as it's earned. Can't feel sorry for the dude, though. He screws around on Allie every chance he can get, bragging about it in the locker room. They are a fucking travesty together, and the worst part about it is that both Allie and Kyle have it in their heads that Cassie and I would make a beautiful couple.
"So tense," Cassie murmurs as she stands behind me and it kills me that her voice and touch are helping to calm me. I don't want to depend on her-or anyone for that matter-to help me battle my demons. But especially not her. I will never see her as anything but a hot fuck and the more she tries to be otherwise, the more it pisses me off. We had an understanding about the way things were between us, but now she's pushing past the boundaries I set and I'm not liking it one little bit.
Taking another deep breath, I step forward and her hands fall away from my back. Turning to look at her, I try to make myself appreciate something-anything-about her that will let me see her as something more than just a diversion.
I come up empty. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is or how talented her mouth is, I see nothing within this woman that would do a damn thing for me other than to relieve sexual pressure.
Cocking her head at me, she assesses my mood. "What's wrong, Alexander? Not in the mood for me?"
"I'm never in the mood for you," I snarl, hoping to push her solidly away.
She just laughs at me, smoky and deep, running a fingertip down my chest. "Now that's a lie, Alex. You needed me on my knees just a few days ago."
"Yeah, well … wasn't going to say no to those services freely offered. But I would have paid you if that's what it took."
She flinches from my barb and rather than make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It hits me suddenly that the reason I tolerate so much of Cassie is because her feelings have seemed indestructible to me in the past. The mere fact that she always takes the shit I dish out to her and keeps a smile on her face alleviates my conscience … makes it okay for us to fuck with no other strings attached and for me to be an ass about it.
But now there is a flash of hurt on her face and it causes my gut to churn.
"Look … I'll catch up with you later," I tell her, making my voice as gentle as humanly possible. It's a tone she's probably never heard from me so far in this fucked-up existence we live in, and I immediately see I've made a huge mistake, because now hope fills her eyes and she gives me a radiant smile.
Shit, I need to cut ties with this girl for good. It's a pathetic mess of a relationship and neither one of us is getting what we truly want. She wants a hockey husband and I want … I want …
I don't know what in the hell I want but it's clearly not a casual sex-only relationship with Cassie.
Just then, an image comes slamming into my brain and I almost reel backward from the glorious nature of it.
Sutton Price, with her copper hair flowing all around and her hazel eyes shining bright. She's smiling at me and it causes warmth to swirl in my veins.
Blinking hard, I banish her from my mind. That girl most definitely has no reason to be taking up any of my gray matter. Doesn't matter that for the first time in like … ever, I had a natural conversation with a woman that felt relaxed and safe. Doesn't matter that for the first time in definitely forever, I shared an intimate detail of my life with that woman, and she didn't throw it in my face or try to exploit it. No, she looked at me with sympathy.