After the Ashes(70)

“He’s not thinking of himself, Lorelei.”

She turned her chin up to Jay. “I think he is. I think he’s afraid.”

“Afraid for you.”

Lorelei wanted to argue, to call Christopher every name in the book, including coward, but she knew it wasn’t exactly true. He’d lay down his life for her. She dropped her gaze to hide the rawness she knew was reflected in her eyes. He’d give his life, but he wouldn’t share it.

“What should I do—marry some man I don’t love? Do you think that will make him happy?” Lorelei glanced up.

Jay frowned. He appeared almost as sad as she felt. “I wish I knew. If you haven’t changed him, I don’t know who can.” Jay took her hand. “I was hoping he’d meet a woman he was crazy about. One who made him go against everything he ever thought he was. Beth did that for me. She’s the real reason I survived. Her, Alice, and Jason.” He laughed. “Never expected there’d be three more.”

He winked, but then his smile faded. “I was scared I wasn’t good enough for them anymore, all hacked up the way I was. Guess I thought I wasn’t a whole man. But the thing was, I realized I’m the piece they need. And it’s a special fit.”

“Do you think I’m the piece Christopher needs?”

Jay’s frown deepened. “I don’t know if there is such a thing for him. He’s got something missing on the inside. A hole maybe nobody can fix. He’s more wounded than me, really. I healed; I don’t think Braddock will be satisfied until he gets himself killed.”

Lorelei hated Jay’s words, because they confirmed what she already suspected. “Why? Why is he like that?”

“He never said it to me, but I could see. Every soldier who served under him who lost his life, Braddock feels like he owes. He tried hard to get himself killed during the war. But instead he was called a hero. His daddy wanted to parade him around after the fighting was said and done, but he wouldn’t have it. He came west and turned his back on the lot of them. Said he wouldn’t profit for what he’d done.”

“It was a horrible war. Everyone suffered.”

“But he’d gone to West Point and was trained to be a leader. Once he got in the thick of things, he didn’t like what he saw. Said honor was something for men who didn’t have to wade in the mud or stand on the front line. He was mad as fire once he figured out what war was really like. Since then, he doesn’t believe in much.”

“He’s honorable. I know from experience. He didn’t have to do what he’s done for Corey and me.”

“You don’t have to convince me.”

“Maybe he’ll feel different after he arrests Mulcahy. I’d wait for him as long as it takes.”

Jay patted her hand, and Lorelei stared down at his thick fingers to keep from meeting the pity in his gaze.

“There’re a hundred Mulcahys. And there will be a hundred more after that. Sometimes you’ve got to turn away from the Mulcahys and into the arms of a pretty woman.” He lifted her chin. “I haven’t given up on him.”

“I think you’re right.” She stood. “I’m going to talk to Christopher.”

Jay stopped her with a light touch on her arm. “He’s got to choose life. You can’t make him or convince him. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I just want to let him know he has options.” She smiled at Jay. “At least for a little while. Christopher and I are both survivors. We just go about it differently. I plan to have a family again, no matter what he does.”

Then Lorelei turned and walked to the door.

“Give him hell, Lorelei.”

Jay’s words propelled her out the door and onto the porch. She wandered into the dark night with no light to guide her, looking for the one man more lost than she.

***



She found him standing in the moon cast shadow of a small tree, several yards from the barn. He stood with his hands in his pockets. When she reached his side, she saw that he was facing a fenced in square.

“Jay’s done a lot with this place.”

She smiled to herself. It was Christopher, the man she knew how to talk to. She touched his arm. “He seems happy.”

Christopher didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reach out to her either. “He wouldn’t let me know if he wasn’t.” He fell silent for a moment. “I don’t know how the hell he does it.”

“He has a lot to live for.”

Christopher nodded. For once, he didn’t seem to be in the arguing mood. “He’s practical, though. Left plenty of room in the graveyard.”