After We Fall(86)
But what would it take for me to feel I deserved a second chance?
A few nights later, Georgia invited me to dinner at the house. I accepted, grateful to escape the lonely silence of the cabin. Brad and Olivia were there too, and after dinner we went out to the front yard, where my brothers got on the trampoline with their kids.
Georgia and I sat on the porch rockers, drinking whiskey on the rocks and watching Pete try to do a flip. “He’s going to break his neck,” I said, chuckling a little.
“Oh God, don’t even think it.” She glanced over at me. “It’s good to hear you laugh. Been kinda down this week.”
I tipped back some whiskey. “Yeah.”
“Probably no point in my asking this, but I will anyway. Want to talk about it?”
On the trampoline, my brothers bounced and laughed and took pictures of their grinning kids in mid-air. I want that—I want it so fucking badly. “I envy you guys,” I said.
From the corner of my eye, I saw her nod slowly. “I get that.”
“I thought I’d live in this house eventually, raise a family, all that.”
“It’s not too late, you know.”
“You don’t think so?”
“Not at all.”
I thought for a moment, willed myself to be brave. “Georgia, can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I’ve been thinking lately, I served with guys who didn’t make it back. Guys who were stronger than me. Braver. Smarter. Sometimes I wonder why I survived and they didn’t. What was it for?”
She looked at me but didn’t say anything.
“I used to think it was for Steph. For the family we’d have. But once she was gone, it seemed pointless again.”
“You don’t think you could fall in love again? Have a family?”
I hesitated. “I never used to.”
“And now?”
“Now…” I inhaled and exhaled slowly, met her eyes. “Now there’s Margot.”
She smiled, her eyes lighting up. “So what’s holding you back?”
“A lot of things.” I stared at the ice cubes in my glass. “I fucked things up really badly, Georgia.”
“I know.”
Something hitched in my chest. “You’ve talked to her?”
Georgia paused, and I sensed she didn’t want to betray Margot’s confidence. “Yes.”
“I mean it when I say I fucked up. I hurt her.”
“Ask forgiveness.”
She made it sound so easy. “What if she says no?”
“What if she says yes?” Georgia countered.
“She could have so much better. Someone with money and cars and—”
“She wants you. Trust me.”
I looked her in the eye and spoke the truth. “I’m scared.”
“I know you are. And it’s gonna take some hard work, but I bet it’ll be worth it. I know it’ll be worth it, Jack. Even if Margot isn’t the one, you have to do this for you. It’s time.”
Nodding, I let her words sink in. “It’s three years tomorrow.”
“I know,” she said softly, her eyes tearing up. “But Jack, Steph would be the first one to tell you that you’re not honoring her by refusing to move on.” She reached out and touched my arm. “You’ve been using her to punish yourself. It’s time to let her go. I know it hurts, but it’s time.”
My throat closed, and I had to look away from Georgia’s tears before my own started to fall.
The following day, I went to the cemetery. Sitting in front of the stone the way I always did, I imagined Steph beside me and concentrated on the memory of her voice.
“Hey. I need to talk to you.”
What’s up?
My throat tightened. “This is hard.”
Talk to me.
I swallowed hard. “I met someone.”
Good.
“Is it?”
Why wouldn’t it be?
“Because she’s making me doubt myself. She’s making me reconsider things I’d already decided.”
Like what?
“Like getting involved with someone again. Letting myself fall in love again. Spending my life with someone instead of being alone.”
Sounds serious. What’s she like?
“She’s impossible. Spoiled rotten. A know-it-all city girl.”
Laughter bounced off the stones. Someone to put you in your place, huh?
“She loves to try.” I took a breath. “She’s also kind and smart and beautiful. She makes me laugh.”