After We Fall(80)
“What’s going on is that I’ve come to the conclusion that my life is meaningless.”
“Margot, what on earth?” Claire asked, brows furrowed. “Your life isn’t meaningless. Why would you say such a thing?”
“Because it’s true,” I said, lifting my expensive gin martini to my lips. After struggling with it for a few minutes, I’d decided a life without purpose was no excuse to drink cheap booze. “I don’t contribute to society in any meaningful way. The world is full of terrible things like poverty and hunger and disease and abuse, and I don’t do anything about it. I will live and die, and humanity will not be any better off.”
“Wow,” Jaime said again as the waitress approached. “Hold on, I’m going to need a drink for this.” She and Claire gave their orders and sat back again. “OK. What happened?”
I didn’t even know where to start.
“Is this about the farmer?” Claire’s expression was quizzical. “Jaime told me about him, but last I heard, things were going well.”
“They were.” I took another drink. “But then he must have realized I’m a spoiled rotten city girl who doesn’t care about anyone but herself.”
“Oh, Jesus.” Jaime rolled her eyes and sat forward. “Do I need to remind you of the work you do for free while I am trying to keep the lights on at our office? You’re the most generous person I know, Margot!”
Claire nodded in agreement. “You’re constantly attending charity lunches and volunteering at things. I don’t know how you find the time!”
“OK, so your family has bags of money,” Jaime allowed, “but there’s a reason the hospital has a Lewiston wing and the art museum has a Thurber gallery. It’s because they give so much.”
“And remember last year when I mentioned the fundraiser at my school for that family who lost everything in a fire?” Claire said. “You were the first in line to write a check, and I happen to know it was the biggest one.”
“But it’s all so impersonal,” I complained. “I don’t feel like I’m really doing anything worthwhile except writing checks. And I’ve led this completely sheltered life. I don’t know how to mow a lawn, change a tire, or grill a burger!”
“What the hell difference does that that have to do with anything? You’re a good person, Margot.” Jaime reached across the table and touched my wrist. “You’re loving and smart and funny and successful and beautiful.”
I arched one brow at her.
“Well, yes, you’re looking a little ragged at the edges right now,” she conceded, “but any other day, you’re what every woman aspires to be.”
“Then why didn’t he want me?” I closed my eyes and felt tears on my lashes. “Why doesn’t anyone want me?”
“I hope you’re not talking about Tripp,” Jaime said. “You wasted enough time on him. And as for Jack, I don’t know, honey.” Her voice got softer. “Maybe he just wasn’t ready to want you. Maybe he’s not over his wife yet.”
“I guess that could be it. But I don’t get that feeling.” I chewed my lip for a moment. “He talked about loving her, and I have no doubt that losing her broke his heart. But he never said anything like ‘I’ll never get over her.’ Although,” I went on, the corners of my mouth turning down, “he did say he’d never get married again.”
“Why not?” Claire asked.
I sighed. “He said he knew what he had, and it doesn’t happen twice.”
“Maybe he’s crazy.” Claire reached out and patted my arm. “Because I cannot imagine why any man wouldn’t jump at the chance to be with you.”
“Well, he didn’t.” Sighing, I lifted my glass to my lips again. “And it’s got me messed up in the head. I really felt something for him, you guys.”
“So soon?” Jaime asked as the server set their drinks on the table between us.
“Yes. At first I thought it was just a really intense physical thing, but…” I shivered, remembering the night he’d bared his troubled soul. “It was emotional, too. And it felt good, at least to me.”
“So why did he break it off?” Claire wondered.
“Honestly, he didn’t really give me a reason. We had a great day yesterday, and then…” I lowered my voice. “Last night we had sex on the living room floor of his house, where he’d lived with his wife, and it was really intense. Right after that, he suddenly ended things. Said we never should have gotten involved in the first place.”