After Math(42)

I’m happy for him, but I’m scared about what this means for us. There’s no denying that Tucker truly does have a gift. But will this make him happy? I’m not so sure. “You were amazing, Tucker. Truly amazing.”

He kisses me then swings me around again. When he sets my feet on the ground, Tucker keeps his arm around me and looks up at Jason. “How long until we know for sure?”

“I called my friend after the scout left. He thinks he’ll hear something within the week.”

“And then what?”

“It depends. There’s a chance they’ll bring you in right before the regular season starts.”

Tucker’s eyebrows rise. “That soon? That’s only a couple of weeks.”

Jason’s grin spreads across his face, and it occurs to me this is the first time I’ve really seen him smile. “That soon. This could move really fast.”

“But what about this semester?” I ask. “Will Tucker just drop out of school?”

Jason smirks and looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Scarlett, I told you Tucker doesn’t need a degree if he’s a pro.”

Tucker’s arm tightens around my waist. “Nothing’s a sure thing, Scarlett. We’ll see what happens.”

I nod, then head back up into the stands to get my blankets. My fingers shake as I fold the blankets into neat squares. Tucker seems genuinely happy about this, and that’s what I want, for Tucker to be happy. He beams with pride, standing on the sidelines, deep in conversation with Jason. He’s gorgeous, with the soft breeze blowing his short blond hair, and his cheeks rosy from physical exertion and the cold breeze.

My breath catches as I realize I’m losing him.

I knew this would happen. From the moment I met him, I knew he would leave and break my heart, yet I can’t fault him for it. He’s following his dream, and what more could I hope for him? If only I was certain it really is his dream. His excitement convinces me that perhaps it is. Maybe these last three years of college soccer are merely a stepping stone to becoming pro. I hope he finds the joy he had when he played in high school. If the way he played this afternoon is any indication, it’s there. Maybe he just doesn’t recognize it anymore.

He looks up and our eyes lock, his smile fading slightly. He says something to Jason, and Jason waves and walks away.

It’s Tucker and me, and we’re on his turf, literally. It only seems fair after I’ve had the advantage of most of our time together. I wonder how much time we have left before he’s gone.

I’m stuck in the stands, my feet unwilling to move as my tears fall. He bounds the few steps to me and pulls me into a tight embrace, pressing my cheek to his chest. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. We both know we’re on borrowed time. If I barely made it through a day and a half without him, how will I last a lifetime?

“Don’t cry, Scarlett. Please, don’t cry. We can make this work.”

But we can’t. Not really. He’ll go away and be on the road most of the year while I’m here going to school and hoping to move to Washington D.C. when I graduate.

I stand on my tiptoes and pull his mouth to mine, kissing him with an urgency that fills every cell of my body. I may be losing him, but I’m not going to waste a moment of what I have left. My heart is going to break whether he leaves now or in a few weeks. Trying to protect myself is pointless.

His arms press me tighter against his chest, and he kisses me until we’re both breathless. “I want to take you home.”

I nod with a weak smile.

He picks up my blankets and takes my hand before we descend the steps. A soft rain begins to fall as we walk to where my car is parked on this side of the field. Tucker opens my door and tosses the blankets onto the passenger seat.

“I have to get my things. How about you go home, and I’ll be there soon?” There’s a sadness in his voice, and it occurs to me that most of our relationship has been filled with sorrow since the beginning. Perhaps this is a sign that we’re not meant to be.

I nod again and get into the car, not trusting myself to speak. Tucker takes off running across the field. He stops midfield, his head back, and his eyes uplifted to the sky as the rain coats his face. I wonder what he’s thinking, or if he’s even thinking about me.

Caroline is still at school when I get home, and I’m unsure what to do with myself as I wait. My nervousness makes me jumpy. Should I do something before Tucker shows up? Brush my teeth? Put on lingerie? That’s a laugh, since I don’t own any. I decide to do nothing. Tucker loves me for me.

Tucker loves me.

I’ve known this, but the reality of the situation sinks in. I can name only a handful of people who really loved me, and with the exception of Caroline, every single one of them has walked away. I’m not sure which is better—the chance to experience love and lose it, or to live my life without it.