After Math(25)

“I know.” His voice is heavy and choked. But he doesn’t say anything else, and I know his answer. I’ve known it all along. He made it perfectly clear yesterday. Maybe Jason is right. Maybe Tucker is afraid to get close to me, and the only way he can handle it is to keep me at arm’s length. I can’t make him want me, and I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than beg him. The choice is his. Unfortunately for me, he’s already made it.

Taking a deep breath, some of my hysteria evaporates, leaving cold determination in its wake. I gently push Tucker’s hands down and unlock my car. He doesn’t stop me, and I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling because I refuse to look in his face. I start the car and grip the steering wheel. You can do this.

And I can. Even if it kills any hope of ever being loved in the process.

I back up and drive away, Tucker still standing where I left him. I watch him in my mirror until I turn the corner and he’s gone.

With a shaky voice, I utter the word he begged me not to say, but I need to say it now because I need the closure. “Goodbye.”



***



I call in sick to the math lab, and go home with the intention of studying. Instead, I lie on the bed and take a nap. When I wake up an hour later, I’m still depressed, but my head has cleared enough for me to study.

Caroline comes home and finds me in my room, huddled over my desk. “Why aren’t you at work?”

I offer her a grim smile. “I have a big test tomorrow. I need to study so I called in sick.”

Her eyes widen. “You called in sick when you’re not?”

I offer her a teasing smile, but I’m sure she can see it’s forced. “Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

“Apparently not. I just found out from Tina that Tucker beat up Daniel in The Higher Ground yesterday.” She’s upset that I didn’t tell her. It’s thinly veiled, but there all the same.

“Tucker did not beat up Daniel. It was one punch.”

She throws up her hands. “Only one punch? But it was over you, right?”

I sigh in exasperation. “What do you want me to say, Caroline? Daniel was making rude statements about me, and Tucker overheard.”

“But Tuck—”

“Let’s get this out in the open: No, I’m not going on another date with Daniel. No, Tucker and I aren’t seeing each other. In fact, this afternoon, I quit being his tutor.” I tilt my head to the side. “Now is there anything else you want to know?” I don’t know why I’m taking my anger out on her. None of this is Caroline’s fault.

She sags against the door frame, offering me a sad smile. “Is it true Tucker’s brother came to see you yesterday?”

Tina and her big freaking mouth. “Yes, but it doesn’t matter one way or the other. I quit, remember?”

“Yeah,” she says softly. “How are you doing with all of this? That’s a lot for you to deal with.”

“I’m fine.” I look down at my desk. “I just need to concentrate on this test tomorrow.”

“Are you hungry? I can make you some mac and cheese.”

I release a soft laugh. Comfort food. “Yeah. Thanks.”

She hangs on the door jamb, kneading her lower lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry about Daniel.”

I don’t look up. “It’s not your fault. Nothing for you to be sorry about.”

“But I pushed you…” Her voice trails off.

I lift my eyes to hers. “You didn’t know. And we both know how resistant I am to trying new situations. I need you to push me sometimes. If Daniel had been great, I would have thanked you for it later.”

After she leaves the room, I find a groove working the problems on my study guide. I stay up to three in the morning, studying. I hope it’s enough. My concentration is off and my mind keeps wandering to this afternoon. If I close my eyes I can feel Tucker’s arms wrapped around me, not that it matters. Tucker let me go.

I suppose it’s better to find out now. Before my heart is broken anymore.





Chapter Eighteen





On Friday night, it’s Caroline’s turn to be nervous. She has another date with the guy she went out with on Sunday. This is the first guy she’s dated since she broke up with Justin in the fall. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Caroline is cute and outgoing. People love her, especially guys. But she cocooned within herself for a few months, emerging into this new, more self-reliant woman. A broken bone sets and becomes stronger than it was before. Perhaps this will happen to me. Perhaps I’ll emerge from this situation, stronger and more confident. Seeing Caroline so happy makes me believe maybe I can be happy, too. Someday.