After All(87)

"Because I wanted her to see that you were happy. That you had someone. And that I wasn't like your father."

"But you are like my father!"

He balks at that, frowning, pissed off. And rightfully so. "What? Do you have any idea how insulting it is to hear you keep saying that? Look, I don't know your dad but it's more than unfair to keep comparing us."

I can't help it, even though I know he's right.

"Do you want me to be like that?" he asks. "Do you want me to be the player, the playboy, the manwhore? Is that the box you want to put me in?"

I shake my head, wrapping my arms around my chest. "No."

He places his body so he's right in front of me. "Because I'll tell you one thing," he says. "The more you tell someone what they are, the more they'll believe it."

I glare at him. "Is that a threat?"

"Fucking hell, Alyssa? Why does everything have to be so complicated with you?"

"Because I'm complicated!" I yell. "You're complicated. We're complicated. Okay?"


      ///
       
         
       
        

"Okay," he says, placing both hands on my shoulders and wrangling me in place. "Okay, so we're in a complicated situation. But if you just … talk to me, tell me how you feel."

"Why?" I cry out. "Why would I tell you how I feel? What good would that do?"

"Because I care about you," he says. "So much. I want to know how you feel and I especially want to know how you feel about me."

"Why? You decided you may go back to London and you didn't even tell me."

He closes his eyes and exhales loudly. "Look, that was just … I was just thinking. And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to scare you. I don't know what you want. And to be honest, I am not used to being in a relationship. I'm not used to the way it works, to sharing my life with people."

"But this isn't even a real relationship."

"You keep saying that," he says bitterly. "And the more you say it, the more I think that's what you want. That you're trying to convince yourself that it's been fake from the start."

"I don't know what's real!" I cry out.

"I'm real," he says. He takes my hand and places it on his chest. "My heart is real. What I feel for you is real. It always has been. Only the formalities have been fake. But every single word I've said to you, in public or not, has never been a lie."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat but I can't. "What about what you said back there. To my mother. About me."

His mouth lifts, a soft smile. "It wasn't a lie. That was real." He puts his palm to my cheek, rests his forehead against mine. "I love you."

Everything inside me dissolves.

I'm both floating and drowning and flying all at once, my heart pulled into so many directions that I don't even know how I feel.

"I love you," he goes on, his voice choked with emotion, "I love you and it's terrifying the shit out of me, because I've never loved without losing before, but I love you. It's the most real thing I've ever felt in my life. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm not going to let go of it." He pauses, runs his thumb over my lips. I'm absolutely breathless. "I don't want to put any pressure on you either. You don't have to say a word. But I can't let you go on thinking that what we have isn't the one true thing. Passion over performance, remember? There's only passion here. Only truth. Only you and only me."

Tell him you love him. Tell him you love him.

But for some reason, I can't even speak. 

I'm just so damn overwhelmed with it all.

I'm free-falling so far off that cliff that I don't know what side is up.

"Emmett," I whisper to him, my fingers digging into his shirt. "I … "

"Don't say it," he says. "Just feel it."

Feel it and be free.

He kisses me softly. "Let's go back to the dinner. I think your mom is worried sick."

I nod, almost dizzy from it all. I manage to swallow. "Yeah. Yeah … sorry about her."

He laughs gently. "She's quite the handful. I can see where you got all your thorns and prickles from. Armor against her."

"Pretty much," I tell him.

He loves me.

He loves me!

Now it's starting to sink in for real.

Now I can't stop smiling.

I let out a soft laugh, staring at Emmett with new eyes.

Every single cell inside me is warm and glowing. I'm made of a million sunbursts.

I'm about to tell him that I don't even think I'm hungry anymore when I hear a snuffling sound from behind me.