After All(79)

I'll never forget that night. The east side is no place I would voluntarily go, I've been too afraid to face what's down there, to confront the things that make you question your privilege, the things you'd rather sweep under the rug.

And to think he grew up there. I picture Emmett as a little boy, tall, lanky, with light hair and that same smile, living in that filthy building. Growing up around the junkies and the homeless and the whores, seeing things that no one should ever see. The fact that he found his mother when she overdosed … I can't even imagine what that would be like.

The man has issues, there's no doubt about that. I can kind of see why acting became an escape for him. I can also see why he doesn't get close to many people. It's not just that he's got a past he'd rather hide, but that he had to lose the one person he loved in the most horrific way. How can you not fear you'll lose everyone else?

But that's Emmett. And that's man I'm falling for.

He's shown me his deepest, darkest parts and it's only made me want him, admire and respect him more.

I don't even want to put up walls anymore. I don't want to keep him out. He let me in, I want to let him in, as scary as it seems.

And it is scary. It's terrifying. I saw firsthand what my father did to my mother, how it destroyed her, us, the whole family. And I've been with men just like that, who care about you one minute and toss you aside the next.

Emmett is supposed to be one of those men. He's supposed to be the player, the playboy, the love you and leave you type. He's even said so much himself.

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

And yet part of me doesn't think that Emmett is the one that's real.


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The one that's real is the scared little boy with a dirty past and big shiny dreams. The one that yearns for respect, who wants passion over everything else.

But, god, please … if only he could also want me.

Want me, have me, not leave me …

Keep me.

It's interesting being with Will and Jackie. They're the only ones who know the truth behind the façade, know why we're together and because of this, we're free to just be ourselves. And in the backseat of the Land Rover, ourselves seem no different than the show we put on for the public. I lean against Emmett's shoulder, he plays with my hair, our arms and hands tangle against each other. We are as physical and intimate as two lovers should be, lovers not bound by rule or arrangement.

The drive passes quickly, maybe because time inside the car seems to still. Summer is coming to a close. It's already September. It's a reminder that what we have is coming to an end too. I feel like I'm trying to soak it all up, every single inch of him.

It's twilight when we arrive in my hometown of Penticton. The town lights twinkle, casting sparkles on the dark water of the lake. I've missed home so much, sometimes I forget how beautiful it is.

Penticton isn't a large town, about 33,000 people, and nearly double that in the summer. But what it lacks in size, it has in beauty. Unlike Vancouver, which is built along the ocean, Penticton is between two lakes, Lake Okanagan on one side and Skaha Lake on the other. Both lakes are pristine and warm and clay hills rise on either side covered in sagebrush and vineyards. It's hot, it's dry, it's fucking heaven.

We're going to have dinner at my mother's house tomorrow, who lives up on the hill just outside of town, so we stop at a grocery store for some camping provisions, pick up some booze and then get ourselves settled in.

Will had booked the cabin so I'm not at all surprised that it's more swanky than it is rustic. We're along the lake in an area called Naramatta Bench, where vineyards rise up from the lakeshore like verdant forests. The cabin we have is nestled in between a few famous wineries and has its own private beach and a dock with Adirondack chairs and a fire pit at the end. In the fading light, the sky going purple and gold, it's postcard perfect.

"Ugggh, I want to jump right in," Jackie says, fanning herself with a magazine she picked up at the store. "Who's in for a night swim? I think I'm overheating."

"How about we get settled in first," Will says, always the sensible one, as he leads us into the cabin.

It's not huge but it's new and has everything you need and then some, including a hot tub on the porch. Emmett and I go into one of the bedrooms, not knowing which of the bedrooms is better. It's always like Russian roulette in places like this. Whoever goes into whatever room first is the one who is stuck with that room, luck of the draw. And in our case, our room only has a twin bed and a bunk bed. Obviously Will and Jackie snatched up the master bedroom of the two.