"Two years is longer than you think."
Mandy huffed sharply. "You don't have to tell me that."
The tension between us was palpable and swelling by the second, but goddamn it, I was not fighting with her today.
"Look, I just wanted you to know. I thought about telling you a while back, but things were still pretty rough between us. I wanted to wait until we were like this. More civil. And . . . when I had someone worth telling you about."
"I see." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm just confused. This is so out of left field."
"I know." I moistened my lips. "Look, I've had to do a lot of thinking about myself and my identity. I went from being a husband and father to being a confused bachelor who misses his kids and is trying not to fall apart." I swallowed, startled by the sudden lump rising in my throat. "I don't know if I'm still attracted to women, or if I still feel too guilty after what I did to you to even look at one. All I-"
"If you're still hung up on our divorce enough that you can't look at women, do you really think this is a good time to be dating?"
I mulled that over for a moment, then released a breath. "Maybe? But the way I feel about him . . . To tell you the truth, I don't think anyone else could turn my head right now."
"Whoa." She blinked. "So it's getting serious. Quickly."
"Yeah, it kind of feels like that. We're not moving in together or anything, but it's . . ." I couldn't help smiling. "It's going really good."
"That's . . . that's good. Right?"
"It is. I mean, I'm still sort of figuring myself out. But damn, I know what I feel for him. At the moment, I'm not looking at men or women. Just him."
"Oh. Wow." A hint of a smile started to materialize, but it faded quickly. "I have a question."
I braced, not sure what was on her mind. "Okay. Sure?"
She tilted her head slightly. "Are you happy, Clint?"
The question brought a million emotions to life in my chest. Admitting to being happy with someone else-with a man-added some finality to my divorce from her. Of course it was over, and I'd made peace with it, but every now and then, the realization that that chapter of my life had ended took my breath away. After she'd kicked me out for good, I'd hated myself for destroying what we had, and that self-loathing surged to the surface now, along with the irrational resentment against her for not forgiving me. It was stupid, and rationally I understood exactly why she'd refused to take me back and why she was still standoffish now. In her shoes, I wasn't sure if I'd have been as civil as she had.
But feelings weren't rational, and that resentment existed whether it made sense or not. And the grief over losing her and alienating myself from the kids, and the anger, and the self-hatred . . . it all existed.
And at the same time, yes, I was happy. After three dark years and being convinced I'd never even feel human again, yes, I was happy. Now that someone had asked me point-blank, and I'd had to think about it, there was no way I could give another answer.
"Yes. I am."
"Good," she said quietly. "You deserve to be."
"I don't know about that. After-"
"Clint." She put up her hand. "Don't. We both know you've been beating yourself up for the last couple of years. And yes, I fueled that, and I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't be. I fucked everything up."
"No, the military fucked everything up."
The words knocked the breath out of my chest. Of all the things I'd needed to hear the most from her, I hadn't even realized how much I'd needed to hear that. Just an acknowledgment that it wasn't all on me.
She must've taken my silence as a need for clarification, and sighed. "I know you can't talk about it, but I can read between the lines. Whatever happened, happened. And whether you can tell me what happened or not, it affected you. Deeply. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known, so if it broke you, I don't even want to know the truth." She swallowed hard. "I had to protect myself and the kids. And yes, I was angry for a while, and I hated you for a while, but . . . you're a good guy. You always have been. And I'm really glad to see you're getting back on your feet and that you've found someone. We can't go back to what we were before, but please don't ever doubt that I want you to be happy."
"Thank you," I said. "And that's all I want for you too. Even with the military's bullshit, I made a mess of things for you and the kids. If I could go back and change it, I would."
Mandy avoided my gaze, glancing away and swiping at her eyes. "I know. And, um . . ." She cleared her throat and rolled her shoulders before looking at me again. "I really hope things work with this guy. If he's got you feeling like that, enough to tell me and the kids, he must be amazing."
"He is," I whispered.
"And we'll . . . we'll talk to the kids. Not right away. But we will."
Cool relief rushed through me. "Okay. I can live with that."
"I need to talk to my brother first. Get some advice from him."
"Sure. That's fine. Just let me know."
"I will."
"And, um . . . one more thing."
Her eyebrow arched, but she didn't speak.
I struggled not to visibly fidget, since it always made her nervous to see me agitated. Wringing my hands to work off some nervous energy, I said, "I know this hasn't been good for the kids. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to have them . . . talk to someone."
"Talk to someone? Like who?"
"Like a therapist. Someone who can help them sort things out."
She smiled subtly. "I didn't want to tell you because I wasn't sure how you'd react, but they've been going to a counselor for almost two years."
It was probably just as well she hadn't told me before. Back then, I'd still been seriously unstable. Finding out she'd sent the kids to a therapist behind my back would have set me off in ways I wouldn't have been proud to admit.
But now I was relieved. Anything to minimize the stress and trauma I had already caused them. "How is that going?"
"It's going good. Danny wasn't too sure about it in the beginning, but he's opening up. And Crystal and Allen have gotten better. They don't have so many nightmares anymore."
My stomach lurched. What did I do to you, kids? "Glad to hear it."
She shifted in her seat. "Maybe next time you come visit, you can go in with them. Talk to their counselor."
Nodding, I released a breath. "Okay. Sure. That doesn't sound like a bad idea."
Her smile seemed more relaxed and genuine than before. "We'll work it out. Anyway, I . . ." She glanced off-camera. "I should go. We're heading to Phoenix today."
"All right. Drive safe. Say hi to my folks for me."
"I will. Take care, Clint."
"You too."
After we'd hung up, I closed my laptop and sat back against the couch. What a bizarre mix of emotions. The kids were in counseling because of me. It was helping, but the fact that I'd caused them to need it . . . ouch. But they had what I'd needed all this time-an outlet for their feelings. A place to vent. Hopefully that was enough.
And now Travis and I were out to Mandy. We'd see how things went when it came time to tell the kids, but it was a start. A step in the right direction.
I smiled. There'd been a lot of steps in the right direction lately. My life finally felt like it was moving forward instead of circling the drain.
I just hoped it continued this way.
Travis arrived a few hours after I'd talked to Mandy. He was bleary-eyed, with heavy shadows under his eyes, and his limp was slightly more obvious than usual. I shuddered at the thought of what state he'd be in if he hadn't taken that Percocet last night.
He was in good spirits, though. His smile was sleepy but heartfelt, and his kiss promised a very, very good night for both of us. Hell, maybe a careful afternoon quickie if he felt up for it, but if not, that was fine too.
"Coffee?" I asked as we headed into the kitchen.
"Coffee sounds great." He leaned against the counter. "I'm wiped."
I could see that as soon as you came through the door.
I poured us both some coffee, and we drank in silence until we were halfway through our cups. I set mine aside and rested my hands on the counter's edge. "So I talked to my ex-wife earlier."
"Yeah, you mentioned you were going to." He put his own coffee down. "How'd it go?"
"It was all right. Better than the last few times. I, um . . . came out to her."
"Did you?"
I nodded. "She was upset at first, but I think once it sank in, she was okay."
Travis exhaled. "That's good. That's great! Does she know you're seeing someone, or just that you're, well, not straight?"
"She knows about you."
He gulped. "Oh."
"I called her specifically to tell her about you. And I think she's curious about you now." I laughed quietly. Man, I was tired-I hadn't realized how draining that conversation had been until now. "I guess I'll have to put you two on Skype one of these days."
"Yeah. Sure." He shifted his weight, wincing subtly.
"She's not ready for us to tell the kids yet, but she said we will."