It blew my mind that he'd thought for even a second I might not be satisfied with the kind of sex we had just because anal was off the table. I could take that or leave it anyway, but nothing we did was lacking at all. His kiss alone was mind-blowing-I'd have happily made out with him for hours on end even if we never took it further. And my God, his hands and mouth were magic. I had never once come away from a night with him and wondered how much better it could be if one of us fucked the other.
Travis whimpered and broke the kiss. Tilting his head back, he closed his eyes and bit his lip. His dick seemed to get even harder, even thicker in my hand, so I pumped it faster. He did the same, and my vision blurred as I rocked my hips to fuck his fist.
It was impossible to say who came first. We both tensed. Both trembled. Both shuddered. Our strokes were suddenly slick, and he didn't stop, and I didn't stop, and the leg he'd hooked over mine pulled me in tighter, and he breathed "Oh my God" as if he'd felt the shudder that was curling my toes and straightening my spine.
In unison, we exhaled and relaxed. I grabbed the box of tissues off the nightstand, and once those had served their purpose, Travis moved them out of the way and moved himself closer to me. I lay on my back so he could rest his head on my chest, and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. Oh, this was perfect. His body always fit just right against mine. The fact that he was still warm-still feverishly hot-was utterly perfect.
He trailed his fingers up and down my chest. "Your heart's going crazy."
"Of course it is." I laughed. "You just made me come."
He lifted his head, grinned wickedly, and kissed me. Then he rested his head on my chest again and draped his arm over me.
He didn't need to know right now that it was more than my orgasm making my heart race like that.
It was . . . this. Being with him. I suspected my pulse would've been going crazy even if we'd been lying here fully clothed and hadn't laid a hand below each other's belts. Though there was definitely some of that postcoital euphoria, and my body felt fucking fantastic now that he'd worked his magic, this excited nervousness was becoming my natural state when he was in the same room. Even if we were in a meeting, or passing in the halls, or sitting across from each other and talking about nothing over lunch.
And in bed? Wow. Only one other person had ever narrowed my entire focus, my entire universe, to simply being overwhelmed by their presence.
That other person was the mother of my children, and I'd never imagined feeling like this for someone again. But damn, holding Travis close, with my mind replaying the look on his face as we'd stroked each other, there was no denying how I felt about him.
I cuddled closer to him. It was too soon to say for sure if this was love or infatuation, but infatuation had never burrowed so far beneath my skin. Not that it had ever had much opportunity-I'd been with my ex-wife for most of my adult life, and since the divorce, hadn't actually dated anyone besides Logan. But even in my younger days, when I'd had the occasional girlfriend or the odd fling, I'd never been dizzy, giddy, speechless, delirious-except with Mandy.
Until now.
I kissed his forehead. This was still a young, nebulous thing. It was entirely possible we were still riding the novelty of being with someone new. Maybe I was just enjoying the thrill of an actual functional relationship with a sober man.
I didn't know if I was in love with him.
I just knew I wanted to be.
We put on gym shorts and T-shirts-Clint kept a few at my house now-and went downstairs to get some water. I wouldn't have minded if he went around without a shirt, especially since Kimber was at work, but I wasn't a fan of going shirtless because of the various scars on my torso. They had a tendency to become conversation pieces-especially when we weren't in bed with something more interesting to keep us occupied-and I was enjoying the evening too much for that conversation.
As he sipped his drink, I said, "Well, if anyone at work didn't know we're dating . . ."
He nearly choked, but caught himself. "Uh-huh. I'd say the secret is out."
I shrugged. "Eh. I can't imagine anyone's all that surprised."
"Not if they've been paying attention." He took a deep breath and released it. "It's so weird. Two months ago, I was sweating like crazy about the command knowing I was with a man."
"It's a tough move to make. Been there."
"Seriously." He paused. "Would you believe I've only been out at all for the last two years or so?"
"Really?"
He nodded. "Never touched a man in my life until after my divorce."
"So are you . . ." I tilted my head. "Gay? Bi?"
He blew out a breath and looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly? I'm not a hundred percent sure. I know I'm into men. But women . . ."
I watched him, letting him find the words.
He leaned against the counter. "The thing is, I never once questioned that I was attracted to my wife, and we were married for sixteen years. Aside from a few one-night stands while I was drunk and falling apart right after our divorce, I haven't even been able to look at a woman since she and I split up."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Partly I feel guilty for destroying our marriage. And, I mean . . ." He sighed. "What can I say? It still hurts."
"I know that feeling."
"Yeah?"
"Oh yeah. I . . ." I swallowed. "That stuff can follow you for years, believe me."
"It can." He drummed his fingers on the edge of the counter beside him, studying me like he wanted me to elaborate. When I didn't, he went on. "So sometimes I think I'm not attracted to women at all anymore, or that I was lying to myself through my entire marriage. And sometimes I think I've sort of shut that off because I feel so terrible for doing her wrong like I did." He paused, then took my hand and laced our fingers together. "Make no mistake, though-I am definitely attracted to men."
I laughed cautiously. "You don't say."
He chuckled and kissed the backs of my fingers.
And looking in his eyes, feeling this close to him, I debated opening up to him. Showing him a piece of my past that very, very few people knew about. Because hadn't I been in his shoes? Wondering how much my sexuality was fluid and how much of it was affected-muted or amplified-by grief?
"So, um." I cleared my throat. "What you said about not knowing if you're still attracted to women-I can relate."
"So you said." His brow pinched.
"I mean, I'm bisexual. I'm definitely bisexual. But after I lost someone, I pretty much shut off one side for a long, long time."
"After Kimber's mom?"
"No. I mean, it hurt when we split up, but not like . . ." My chest tightened. "I was madly in love with this guy. Dion." As always, even saying his name fucked with me. "We were in the same squadron. Long time ago. Ten years now. He was a buddy's RIO, and . . . God, I was crazy about him."
"Oh. Bad breakup?"
"Worse," I whispered. "We never even really had a relationship. We fucked a few times, but this was back when DADT was still in effect. We both had kids to take care of, and careers to think about. I was still afraid if my ex-wife found out I was sleeping with men, she'd use that as leverage to take my daughter away. His divorce had been nastier, so . . . I mean, what could we do?"
"Shit. Man, I remember those days."
"Yeah. So we backed off. And that only made it worse. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was probably just as well he transferred out of the squadron."
"Did you guys lose touch after that?"
"Yes and no. I, um . . . We didn't talk much. Not for a while. Then we kind of got back in touch, but things were tense. Then . . ." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to summon up the energy to say the words. Finally, I met his gaze. "These days, I just try to visit his grave at least once a year."
Clint's lips parted. "Oh my God. What-" He hesitated. "If you don't mind my asking, what happened?"
"Officially? He was on his way home from work, fell asleep at the wheel, and hit an eighteen-wheeler head-on in the oncoming lanes." I sighed. "Unofficially, the consensus is he killed himself, but wanted to make sure it looked like an accident so his kids were taken care of."
"Jesus."
I suppressed a shudder, mostly because I could feel a small spasm looming and didn't want to give it an excuse to get worse. "It was horrible. Took me years before I could even look at a man, and even when I could start getting physical with them again, connecting with one took a long time."
"How long?"
I looked in his eyes.
Up until more recently than I'm comfortable admitting right now.
"Years." I exhaled. Then I muffled a cough. "Anyway. Sorry to be such a downer."
"No, no. It's okay. I brought up my ex and being confused about my sexuality, so . . ."
"Don't worry about it." I drew him in for a kiss. "For the record, heavy subject matter notwithstanding, I really did have a good time tonight." I paused, and added with a grin, "Especially the after-party."