There’s precedence for what could happen if I’d made a different decision. Syre was faced with the same situation when he fell in love with his mortal mate and he responded differently. He gave the Watchers permission to do as he did and the result was that they all fell, even those who hadn’t taken mates. He damned them all for his mistake. In his situation, most of the Watchers had fallen in one way or another—certainly his permission was encouragement for some—but my Sentinels have stayed true to their mission. Aside from Helena and me, the rest have been inviolate. How could I risk all of them for the transgressions of just two of us?
That said, I could have been a better friend.
I had two roles with her—leader and friend—and I focused on the first to the detriment of the latter. I should’ve asked for more time to think. I should never have proceeded so quickly, when I was still reeling from the knowledge of her fall. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Then Lindsay left and I was barely thinking at all. It’s possible Helena didn’t realize that I haven’t escaped retribution for my sins. Lindsay, too, believed I’d face the same punishment as the Watchers, but that’s not my fate and I’ve always known that. Losing Shadoe over and over again, losing Phineas, knowing I’m no better than those I’ve punished, the sacrifice Lindsay ended up making for me... Even Elijah’s very existence. It’s no coincidence that he entered my life at the same time as Lindsay, wielding the power he does over the other lycans.
My punishment is insidious, like a spreading stain, eating through everything that has meaning to me. Everything I’ve worked for and believed in is crumbling around me. That is my punishment, and I should’ve shared it with Helena, armed her with the knowledge she needed to make her own decision without asking me for permission.