A crowd was gathering around them but she ignored it. She was done being the sweet and happy Holly. Done. Brody could go fuck himself for all she cared.
Not that she said that, but she was sure thinking it.
"I … I want to explain." He didn't give her that dimple of his that let him get away with so much, and she was glad for it.
"You explained enough yesterday."
"No, I didn't."
"Okay, crew, we're ready to head out. Get in position."
Holly glared at Brody as their guide called out instructions, and she huffed out a breath when the guy said Brody's name.
"And I take it if you stay behind, it screws up the whole trip."
Brody winced. "There's the weight issue to think of."
She growled, and his eyes widened. Good. He should be scared, or at least surprised. "Fine."
She stomped off to her side and took the paddle, going over the instructions she'd been given in her head and firmly placing Brody out of the way in her mind. Why was he here? It didn't make any sense. He'd said he wanted to explain, and now he was here, about to join in on one of the last things on her list. The list that should have made her feel better about herself, and instead, would only remind her of Brody and the fact that he didn't love her.
Another slice of pain echoed in her heart, but she ignored it.
She needed to get her head in the game. Not only was her safety and well-being on the line, but so were the lives of the people in her raft. She couldn't be thinking about Brody when she needed to worry about the dangers in front of her.
And if she'd thought about that before she'd fallen in love with him, maybe it wouldn't hurt this much.
Only she couldn't control her heart, that much she knew.
Damn it.
Once again, she raised her chin and settled into the boat, oar in hand. She was in the middle on the left-hand side, while Brody was out in front and diagonal to her. That meant throughout the entire thing, she'd be able to see him work, see the way his muscles moved, and just see him.
Well, crap.
Before she could pull her gaze away from him, however, they were off. Her body was on fire, but in the best way, since she'd never felt anything like this. She bounced and moved with the water, doing her best to keep up, though she wasn't as strong as anyone else in the boat. They weren't going down crazy rapids today, but they would be doing the slow ones eventually. Water splashed at her as they hit a wave, and she laughed, enjoying herself.
When they turned a hard left, Brody looked over at her and winked. She smiled back because she couldn't help it. It was exhilarating to go with the flow of the river but still try to have some semblance of control. Her guide knew what he was doing, and she was grateful.
"We're coming up on the small rapids, so hold tight," the man behind her yelled out over the sound of water rushing over rock. "You can do this!"
Only she wasn't sure they could. Though it was a small rapid, they were now going far faster than they had been before. She paddled with the others, doing her best to ride it out, but now the fear that she'd tried to ignore outweighed the adrenaline coursing through her body.
"Heather, Anton, veer left!" the guide, Sam, called behind them.
Only the two people in front of her either mixed up their directions or they weren't strong enough for the current. She screamed as the boat slammed into the rock ahead of them, her teeth jarring within her head.
She called out, heard Brody's voice in her head as he yelled for her … then it all went blank.
Water rushed over her head as the boat flipped and she was forced underwater. She'd lost the oar, but she kicked upward, at least she hoped it was upward. Between her kick and the life vest, she breached the top of the water and took a gasping breath, trying to stop the burning in her lungs and take in her surroundings.
The bright red colors of the vests and yellow helmets met her gaze first, and she almost sighed when she realized she could count all eight people from the raft. No one was underwater, but that didn't mean anyone was truly safe yet.
She tried to swim to shore, but the current was so strong she was having trouble even moving her arms. The vest and her jacket underneath were uncomfortable, and each time a wave hit her, she was sucked under, but she kept coming right back up. The lot of them were moving too far down the river and far too fast. She just prayed everyone would get out safely. Somehow, she'd so far avoided slamming into rocks, but when Heather hit one in front of her, Holly wasn't sure if the loud snap she heard was the impact of the other woman hitting or a bone breaking.
Somehow, she reached Sam first, and the guide tugged on her arm, pulling her toward him. "Get to the shore!" he yelled. "Swim as hard as you can. Soon, you'll be able to touch bottom. These rapids won't last for much longer. I promise."
She nodded, her voice too raw to say actual words, and kicked out her legs, doing her best to get to shore. Brody was about four feet in front of her, his face pale and blood oozing from a cut on his temple.
Shock slammed into her again, and she turned to swim to him. He looked over and cursed, going against the current somehow to make it to her side in five quick strokes.
He gripped her to him and forced her to change directions. "Damn it. Swim to the shore."
She kicked again and wrapped an arm around his side. "Together. We do this together."
He gave her a fierce look. "Together."
Somehow, they made it to the shore as a unit, their legs tangled, their bodies heaving. They lay on the pebbled rocks, cold, sweaty, and definitely in some form of shock.
Holly reached up to Brody's temple. "You're blee-eeding." Her teeth were chattering so hard, she was surprised she could even get the words out.
"I'm fine," Brody grunted and forced himself to sit up. He pulled her so she was in his lap, and he was hugging her tightly. "I was so fucking scared, baby. I'm going to close my eyes, and I'm always going to see you go under like you did. I never want to picture that again, but damn it, it's all I see."
She twisted in his hold, aware the others were getting out of the river around them, checking each other for wounds as Sam made a call on his waterproof emergency radio for help.
"I was so scared I was going to lose you," she whispered. "But you're bleeding, Brody. What happened?"
She looked around for something to press against his temple but couldn't find anything. It didn't look that bad now that she got a closer look, but head wounds always bled copiously.
"I hit a rock," he said with a groan. "I think I bruised a rib or two in the process."
Her eyes widened, and she tried to wiggle away. He let out a harsh breath and tugged her closer.
"Don't move. You'll jostle me."
"Then I shouldn't be on your lap at all."
He opened his eyes to meet hers. "I need to know you're okay, Holly. I need you in my arms. I can ignore my ribs for now as long as I know you're here."
She stayed still, but worry and fear webbed their way around her heart. "I'm hurting you."
He winced but reached out to cup her face. "No, you aren't. The rock hurt me. I'm just so fucking glad you're alive, baby. I don't know what I would have done if you had gotten hurt. You're okay, right? Nothing aching?"
Just her heart.
Tears slid down her face as the others worked around them, talking, making sure everyone was okay, but she only had eyes for Brody.
"I almost lost you," she whispered. She'd been so angry with him, but now it felt all wrong.
"You didn't," he croaked. "But I could have lost you because I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have pushed you away. I shouldn't have destroyed what we could have because I couldn't face myself. I lied, Holly. I lied, and I hurt both of us in the process."
She swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"
"I love you, Holly Rose. I love you so fucking much. I was so scared to hurt you or let anyone close that I ignored the fact that you were already as close as you could possibly get. I love you. I want you in my life and in everything else that's part of me. I want to make more lists with you and find out what else we can do together. Forgive me, baby. Forgive me for acting like an asshole with his head buried in the sand. Please tell me you still love me. Please don't walk away like I did to you."
Tears were flowing freely as she pressed her fingers to his lips. "This isn't the shock of the accident talking, is it?" She wasn't sure if she could bear it if it were.
He kissed the tips of her fingers, and she lowered her hand. "I came here today to tell you all of that. I just didn't expect to almost lose you to water before I did."
She hadn't made the connection, and now she was breaking for him all over again. Oh, hell, this must be killing him, but if what he said were true, then he'd come down to the river for her, and had wanted to say all of this before the accident.
So she did the only thing she could do.
She took that risk.
Jumped off that bridge.
Fell once more.
"I love you, too. I'll always love you, Brody."