She froze. "It's okay."
"No. It's not. You opened yourself up and I left. I'm sorry."
She wrapped her arms around her waist even as he slid his hands over her shoulders. "I get it."
"But you shouldn't." He sighed and backed away. He couldn't touch her and think. "I don't do well in relationships, Holly. I never have."
She tilted her head. "Then what are we doing?"
He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know. That's the problem."
She raised her chin. "The door is right behind you if it's such a problem."
He cursed under his breath and shook his head. "Fuck. I'm doing this all wrong."
"Yeah, I think you are."
He loved it when she stood up for herself and spoke her mind, but right then, he wanted to shake some sense into both of them. "I've never loved anyone, Holly. Not since I was a kid. I don't know how to do it, and I don't think I can."
Her face paled. "Good to know." Her voice had gone hollow, and he wanted to hold her, but he knew it would be the worst thing he could do.
He took a deep breath and told her the one thing he'd never told another soul. "My sister died when I was a kid, and it was my fault."
Her eyes widened. "What?"
She reached out for him, but he took a step back. Once again, he ignored the hurt and confusion on her face. He had to, or he'd break.
He couldn't break.
"I was eleven and supposed to be watching my sister. Our house in Texas was one of the lucky ones with a pool. My parents were inside, yelling at each other and throwing things like usual. They told me to take Sarah outside, and I did. But I was tired of watching her since that was all I did that summer so I took my Game Boy with me. She was splashing around and doing her thing, and since she was a decent swimmer, I wasn't paying attention."
Holly put her hands on his arms, and he let out a breath. He hadn't realized he'd crossed them over his chest, blocking himself off from the world. From her.
"She dove into the deep end like she always did, but, apparently, she did it wrong."
Bile filled his throat, and he did his best to not throw up right then and there.
"Oh, Brody … " Holly whispered.
"She didn't die right away according to the doctors. She took a while to drown, even though she couldn't move. I wasn't supposed to hear that part, but I'd never been good at following directions. Maybe if I had, my sister would be alive."
"It's not your fault. You were a child, Brody. Accidents happen, and your parents should have been watching her as well."
He shook his head, anger and self-hatred filling him like it always did when he thought about Sarah. "She was my responsibility. My parents said so." He clenched his jaw at the memories, the accusations, the beatings. He'd deserved all of it, even the scars on his back from the belt his father had used on him time and time again. Holly had felt them, of course, but she'd never asked about them. He'd never tell her either. He couldn't.
"Your parents shouldn't have said that," Holly bit out, tears sliding down her cheeks.
He couldn't take her tears, couldn't take much of anything. "My parents kept fighting until my mom ran out of the desire to do anything. She killed herself eight months after Sarah died. Drank too much and mixed it with a bottle of pills the doctor had given her to keep her sedated from the shock. Dad blamed me for that, too, and didn't really speak to me after that." There was no need. The beatings and glares had been enough by then.
Holly was openly crying then and leaned into him. "None of this was your fault, Brody. None of it. What happened was a tragedy, but you can't bear the burden of all of it. It'll eat you from the inside out. It's already doing so."
He shook his head. She didn't understand. "I lost my sister because I failed. My mom died because I failed. My dad is a ruthless bastard that I don't talk to because I failed. I'm not good at being there for anyone, Holly. That's why I'm that guy with all the friends but who no one really knows. Because I'm not a guy anyone really needs. I'm not a guy anyone can love, can be with." She opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off. "I'm never going to love anyone, Holly. I can't. I'm broken. Everyone I love dies, and I won't go through that again. Ever."
She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "Well, that sucks for both of us because I love you."
He took a step back and lowered his arms, his heart beating out of control. "Take it back. You can't. You can't love me. I refuse to let you get hurt. You're just mistaken because we've been doing so many high-adrenaline things. You just think you love me, but you can't."
She gave a hollow laugh. "You can't tell me how to feel, Brody. I love you for you, not because you took me bungee jumping or fed me tacos. That's part of it, of course, because you give yourself to everyone. Except for the most important parts of you."
His body went numb, and he tried to think of a way out of this that wouldn't hurt her, only he couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. So he did the one thing he knew would keep her away, keep her safe.
"I don't love you, Holly. I can't."
She raised her chin. "You won't."
He paused. "I won't," he whispered.
She wasn't crying now, and he didn't know if that hurt more or less. He couldn't feel anything. "Then you'd better get out because I don't really want to look at you right now. I deserve more than this. But you know what, Brody? You deserve a hell of a lot more than this, too."
And with that, he gave her one last look before leaving her alone in her home, the place she'd made for herself when she'd had nothing.
He'd hurt her, he'd lost her, and now, he'd lost a part of himself as well.
He'd done the one thing he shouldn't have done-he'd fallen in love with Holly Rose.
Only he couldn't do anything about it and still keep her safe.
Derek's words swirled around in his head, and he was afraid he'd just made a horrible mistake. But it was too late. He'd left her crying and icy, and he couldn't go back …
So now, Brody was alone.
Again.
The only way he knew how to live.
Chapter Nine
Holly wasn't sure if she was angry, hurt, scared, or numb. It all came and went in waves, but she was still breathing so that had to count for something. She'd cried for Brody when he'd told her his story, but she hadn't cried for him when he'd been so callous. Hadn't cried for him when he'd left.
And she hadn't cried for herself.
Maybe that was the numbness settling in.
So maybe that's why she'd gone off the deep end and was now at the side of a river, her helmet on and a life vest strapped to her chest. Brody had made the plans for them to go white water rafting today, and she hadn't canceled, nor had she messaged Brody about it.
This was one of the last things on her original list, and she refused to let the hurt inside her fester enough that she lost sight of why she'd fallen in love with the darn man in the first place. The only thing that was left on her list after this was getting a tattoo, and now she finally had an idea of what she wanted.
A single rose for her last name and so she'd remember that each petal stood for something she'd fought for, and perhaps, something she'd lost.
She'd thought of the idea after Brody had left the first time, and had wanted to talk to him about it before he'd walked out of her life forever. Now, she was kind of happy she hadn't told him so he couldn't ruin that as well.
There was nothing like getting your love thrown back in your face, no matter how hard you tried to not let it break you down.
Maybe if she was a different person, she'd have tried to find another way to make him see her, to help him heal, but she'd spent her entire childhood and high school years doing that for other people, and she'd promised herself she'd never do it again.
Not even for the man she loved.
Because he didn't love her back.
And no matter what she said, what she did, those facts would never change.
So here she was, about to go down the beginner's course of a river and trying not to break down and cry. Brody should have been by her side; he should have been there to help her cross the last two things off her list.
Then he should have been by her side when she made her second list.
Or even a list she could share with him and him alone.
But he wasn't, and she needed to get over it. She rolled her shoulders back and made her way to the others. They'd gone through the training, and now she was ready to get this over with. Not the best outlook when it came to her adventure-filled list, but she wasn't the same woman she was when she'd started the darn thing, and there was no going back now.
"I thought I'd find you here."
She turned on her heel, her heart in her throat. "What are you doing here?"
Brody had his hands in the pockets of his shorts, his life vest securely buckled, and a helmet on his head. "It was on your list, and we scheduled this together, remember? I'm certified and went through their training already. Sorry I'm late, though; I had to pick up something."
She raised her chin, annoyed with herself for liking the fact that he was here even for a moment. He'd hurt her, darn it, and he didn't deserve anything from her. Not anymore.
"You left and were pretty clear about why you were going. Do you think you're just going to walk back into my life and start up where we were before? Because I don't think so."