“That’s bullshit and we both know it.” Adam’s expression turns sad, disheartened. He stops my frantic hands, wrapping them inside his. “Baby, I need you to tell me the truth.
Do you take those pills for depression?”
I need to strategically place my lies so I don’t give in, but don’t lead him astray. So far he’s playing beautifully into my plan. As much as it hurts to lie to him, it has to be done. My expression clouds over. “That bastard. How much did he overhear?”
“A lot. He said you were arguing with your mom about where you really are, and why you haven’t refilled your meds. He said you told them if they called the cops...you’d hurt yourself.” His eyes are watering over when he strokes my face, nudging my chin so I’m forced to face him again. “Is any of that true?”
“Why do you care if I hurt myself?” My lips tremble. “You’re going to leave me anyway! I get that you’re scared and I get that you’ve been through total hell, but I’m not enough for you to want to live. I’m not enough for you to want to continue on and fight.
Why should I go on living this bullshit life without you?”
I’m no longer playing into the lie, I’m becoming it. The pain of losing Adam is unimaginable. I’ve envisioned what it would be like to be at his funeral, to sit in a cold church and stare at his casket, knowing I’ll never see him again, just like Jason.
Adam scoops me into his arms, holding me tight. I feel his heart racing against my chest. “That’s not true! You are enough. You’re more than enough. I love you so much, Jewels, I don’t even know how to deal with it sometimes. Every time I look at you, I feel this burning need to touch you or kiss you. And I hate every minute we’re apart. You’ve become the only thing in this world I care about. Refusing the surgery has nothing to do with you.”
“Just like these pills have nothing to do with you,” I mutter into his neck. “You wouldn’t be around to mourn me for long after I’m gone.”
He pulls me back, his eyes wild and fraught. “Please don’t say those things. Jesus, don’t ever say that. I’m sorry, I never would’ve asked you to come on this trip if—”
“If what?” I challenge. “If you knew I was bat-shit crazy? Then you probably wouldn’t have loved me either, right? You’re saying I tricked you into caring for me?”
“I know you’re not crazy. You told me about losing Jason, and you told me you had a rough time after he died. I just didn’t know how bad it was.” He steps closer, wrapping his hands around my wrists. “You didn’t trick me into anything. I love you unconditionally, regardless of whatever demons you’re battling. I’m here for you.
Whatever you need...I’ll help you through this.”
I twist away, seething for real. Nothing he can say will offer the comfort, or ease the worry that he won’t live to see another day.
“You say that now, but you’re growing weaker every day! What happens when you’re too sick to be there for me? What happens when you’re gone and I’m battling this all alone? You say you love me, but you won’t fight for us! You can’t fucking stand there and pretend you’ll always be there for me!” I swat at the tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling my face turn a deep red. “I should just leave and let you die here all alone.
You’ve already given up on yourself. Why should I keep trying to pretend everything’s okay? Would that make you happy?”
“No,” he whispers, a lone tear spilling from his lashes. My words have pierced his heart, just as intended. “You’re what makes me happy. You’re what I want.”
“I don’t believe you!” I cross my arms. “You’re just saying that so I won’t take all these pills and make the pain disappear!”
“I’ll prove it to you.” He brings me back into his arms, kissing the side of my head as his arms tighten around me. “I’ll do whatever it takes to show you how much I love you.”
Fighting with Adam is brutal and feels like the most unnecessary of evils. Each time he tries to hold my hand, or bring me closer to lean against him, I refuse, playing into the part of unwilling participant in the plan. The entire plane ride back to Wisconsin, we only share a few short conversations filled with tension. Because I’m supposed to be mad that he’s forcing me to go home to face my parents.
Theo took the keys to the pickup and promised he’d take care of its return. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him in private, to thank him for helping me dupe Adam into returning, though he did give me an extra squeeze when we hugged goodbye. I’d like to think it was his “way to go” pat rather than another attempted perversion.