His backyard has become an oasis, a place for me to relax and think. The building tension from the week easily fades away just at the sight of it. I sink into my favorite sofa of the three, closing my eyes and wishing things were different. Wishing Adam was healthy and this was our place. Wishing we didn’t have to go to our next stops and, eventually, back home. I didn’t mean to fall in love with the city any more than I fell in love with Adam. It’s going to be hard to leave for our next destination, especially when I’ll be all alone with Adam without the instant support from Theo.
Theo hands me a beer before settling on the couch at my side. “Are you sure you want to keep going? Maybe you stay here for a few more days. You can crash in my guest room until you’ve got things figured out.”
I take a long swig and sigh. “Adam wants to keep going.”
“Everyone can tell he’s growing weak. James asked me yesterday if he was sick.
What would you do if he just collapsed behind the wheel? Do you even know what he needs?”
“He doesn’t want to talk about it. Now that he’s no longer hiding it, he isn’t as secretive about testing his blood sugar and giving himself insulin shots. I’ve seen him do it enough times that I think I could help if there was an emergency. Whenever he naps, I spend the time doing as much research on his type of diabetes as possible. But...I don’t know anymore. I thought I could pretend everything’s okay and go along with this. Just watching him waste away...I’m starting to wonder if I have it in me. It’s killing me to see him like this.”
Theo sets his hand on my knee. “I know I told you that you might have to give up a little bit of yourself if you want to be with him, but at some point you’re going to have to draw a line. The guy cares about you, even if he decides to throw his own life away. If he’s going to continue to be stubborn, maybe you should tell him it’s time to return home.”
I stare at Theo’s Marine symbol on his calf. “I made the mistake of pushing someone I loved away once before, for all the wrong reasons. It didn’t end well.” I wipe at my sudden bout of tears. “I can’t walk away from Adam, no matter how moronic he’s being, or how much he infuriates me. I love him more than anything. I’m in this for as long as he’ll put up with me.”
“Hang in there, kid.” Theo folds me in his arms, setting his chin on my head. “Things would be so much easier if you had just accepted my offer the first time we met.”
I burst out laughing.
I insist on driving to Washington, mostly because I’m afraid of Adam passing out after my talk with Theo. It was hard to leave our new friend behind. I almost took him up on the offer to stay with him a few days longer. But Adam was ready to go bright and early, chatting on excitedly about seeing the White House and the chances of catching Obama while there.
As expected, Adam takes a nap as soon as we check into our room, even though he slept a good part of the way. Our hotel is within walking distance to many of the tourist attractions, but knowing it would completely wipe Adam out, I sign us up for a tour bus while he’s sleeping.
My heart isn’t in our trip to Mount Vernon the next day, although I try to genuinely smile for the pictures Adam insists on taking at each stop. I’m too worried about how he’s feeling, watching his every move, debating whether or not to follow Theo’s advice and call off what’s left of the trip. Whether Adam can sense this or not, he continues on like nothing’s wrong, despite his much slower rate and dampened spirit. He’s become frail, like an old man in a young guy’s body. It reminds me of Johnny Knoxville doing his Bad Grandpa skit.
When we return to our hotel that night, he buckles onto the bed so quickly I wonder if he’s passed out. Then he tilts his head up, grinning. “Want to make reservations for dinner somewhere? I found some great steak restaurants in the area.”
“Let’s just order in,” I suggest, curling up at his side.
He’s suddenly over me, kissing my neck, running his hands up and down my legs and stomach. “I like the sound of that plan.”
As much as I want to get into the moment with him, there’s a cloud of anger surfacing over the unfair situation. He’s basically resolved to a form of suicide. Why should I have to go along with it? Any sane person would try to talk someone down off a ledge. Why should this be any different?
Maybe this is what it feels like to finally cross the line. I’ve humored Adam for as long as I can, even though I know it’s wrong and it goes against every instinct. I still love him and probably always will, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend this hasn’t become out of control.