He nudges me up against the wall, brushing his lips over mine again and again. I wrap my arms around his neck and answer his playful kisses with my own, ready to pick up where we left off. His teeth graze across my bottom lip before he stops, resting his head against mine. The intensity of his eyes burn a hole right through me. “I just want to slow things down. You’re so amazing...I don’t want this to just be some kind of fling between us. I want it to mean something.”
I flex my jaw. The words I love you twist through my head with the force of a surprise hurricane, unwanted and utterly out of control. Panic consumes me. Even if I did tell him now, he’d just think it’s a ploy so he’ll agree to have sex with me. With his big secret looming over our heads, it’s best to keep things casual. I can’t do the long-term boyfriend thing. I can’t go through the torture of losing him.
I snort and roll my eyes. “What, you mean like boyfriend-girlfriend crap? We’re adults. Don’t you think we can skip past that? Keep this on the down-low?”
He leans in for another kiss, this one soft and extra gentle. It leaves me secretly struggling for my next breath, imagining the way he would kiss me if we actually made love instead of fucking just for fun. And I’m starting to realize if we let things go all the way, there’s a slim chance it wouldn’t mean anything to either of us.
“I think we should talk about it first.” he tells me. “I don’t want to screw this up.”
“Then don’t,” I warn, pressing my thumbs to the back of his neck. “Don’t make this more complicated than it has to be. I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since the first time you kissed me in my dorm room. The only way you can screw this up is if you keep turning me down and go back to that load of crap about wanting to be nothing more than friends. I want this, Adam.” I lick my lips and attempt to swallow. “I want you. All of you.”
He continues to watch me, his sexy baby blues unblinking. They spark back to life just before he smiles. It’s not one of his most genuine smiles, although the dimples do appear. “Let’s get that bottle of champagne and blow out of here.”
Once we’ve settled for the night in a reclusive spot in back end of a grassy field, the mood between us quickly fizzles with all the effect of a cold shower. Adam’s words from the alley stir though my thoughts, threatening to latch onto the delusional part of me that still believes I could allow myself to be in love with him. I don’t want this thing between us to be cheap.
As if we have any other option. Knowing there’s a dark unknown he’s holding back that will destroy everything, I can’t afford to give him my already damaged heart. I don’t want to feel a pang for him in places other than down below. I’ve been broken once before and can’t afford to go through it again. Keeping this strictly about sex is the only option, considering I’m too far gone to turn back now.
We lay side by side on the air mattress in the back of the pickup bed, only our thighs touching as we finish up the last of the champagne. I wedge one arm beneath my sprawled out hair to get a better view of the stars twinkling above us. They shimmer and dance through the sky like something out of a fantasy-fueled flick.
“This trip has already been totally worth it,” I say dreamily. “I mean the concert, the rooftop dancing, the Ferris wheel, the whole Navy Pier, now sleeping under this sky...everything about Chicago was a thousand times better with you instead of my parents.”
“Sometimes it’s still hard to believe you agreed to come along.”
I slap his arm, but don’t take my eyes off the stars. “Don’t flatter yourself. You had good timing is all. This trip will be a good chance for me to sort things out. Decide what’s important in my life. Maybe give me some kind of direction. You know, the kind of things you’re supposed to be doing.”
“I have direction.”
I glance at him. “Oh, really? Let’s hear it.”
“The list is my direction. I’m doing all the things Zach asked.”
“Even if we keep on doing... whatever it is we’re doing together, you still need some kind of plan for when we get back home.” I turn my head to my side, staring him down.
“I get that you want to explore your options and whatever, but if you’re not going to go to school, then maybe you need to get a job. You plan on crashing at Calvin’s for the rest of your life?”
Adam snatches my phone off my stomach.
“Hey!” I protest, reaching for it.
He holds it over his head, out of my range. “It’s not like I’m going to look through your texts. Give me some credit.”