Then it hits me out of nowhere. I’m damaged goods. This guy is way too good for me. I should tell him I can’t go, and it’s best if we don’t see each other again.
I open my mouth to speak up when his friend’s band takes the stage. After a round of quiet applause, the foursome of hipsters start in on a kind of souped up blues rock.
While they play, I’m conscious of every move Adam makes beside me. His hand grazes across my shoulders when he rests his arm behind me. His breath tickles my ear whenever he leans in to yell something over the music. It takes everything I have not to bolt from the bar and call a taxi. It takes everything I have not to lean in and kiss him. So many contradictory feelings rage through me that my head spins.
I just broke things off with Levi a few hours ago. And I’ve heard so many stories about rebound relationships, even though we weren’t officially dating. Still, I don’t want that to be the case with Adam. Although sometimes a bit on the somber side, he’s kind, and sweet, and funny. I don’t want to ruin things by rushing them. And I don’t want him to think I’m just looking for something physical, although I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to the idea.
By the time the band is done, it’s late and I have to finish reading two chapters by morning, so Adam drives me back to the dorms. There’s a moment of awkwardness as we sit in the dark, the question of a kiss weighing heavily on my mind.
Finally, Adam twists around to look at me. “I hope you had a good time.”
After being with Levi the past few months, it’s so odd to hear someone ask me that after a date that I almost laugh. “Are you kidding? The death-defying view, the pizza, the pie, Martin’s band? For someone who’s musically deprived, you hang out with some pretty stellar folks.”
“You want to do it again?” His smile suddenly matches mine. “I mean, not the exact same things, but—”
“Yeah,” I interrupt, nodding. “I do.” The answer surprises me so much that I pull in a sharp breath. Didn’t I just resolve never to see him again? I consider telling him the truth; that I can’t handle a serious relationship, if that’s where he’s heading. I should at least take time to think, maybe clear my head.
“How’s tomorrow?”
I let out a deep sigh and smile. “I’m at the library again until five.”
Adam’s eyes dip to the corner. “That should work. I think my schedule’s pretty wide open. Same time, same place?”
Nodding, I clutch the door handle, ready to bolt. Our eyes catch in the glow of the dashboard. For a painfully long moment, I’m breathless.
“Thanks,” he tells me. “For tonight.”
“Thank you for the pie and pizza. You’re the one who showed me a good time.”
He shrugs. “Anytime.”
The lights are off when I slip inside our room. Kelly stirs on her bed with the sound of my keys hitting the desk. “How was the date?” she asks groggily.
“It wasn’t a date.”
Kelly’s giggles fill the small room. “That good, huh?”
I lean back on my bed, sighing. “He seems like a great guy.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for someone like him. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for anyone. I’m not even sure why I broke it off with Levi. I don’t think I can do the whole boyfriend thing again. Not without fucking it up.”
“Listen. There must be something about Adam that made you wake up and realize you were headed nowhere with Levi, fast. I know you’re afraid of letting yourself fall for someone again, Jewels, but at some point you have to forgive yourself for breaking it off with Jason. Don’t check yourself out because you’re afraid of feeling something for this guy. Please, give this thing with Adam a chance before you totally write him off.”
I’m rendered speechless by Kelly’s ability to see exactly what’s going on. I finish my homework and turn off the lights, but my emotions and feelings for Adam keep me up much later than I intend.
FIVE
I drag myself to class in the morning with thoughts of Adam and our night still replaying in my head. Though I normally can get lost in my interest of Musical Cultures, today I’m busy typing a list on my laptop of the pros and cons involved with Adam’s trip, and can’t answer the professor’s question when she calls on me. The disappointed gaze she throws me before continuing on to someone else doesn’t escape me.
The last year has been a roller coaster of bad grades and missed classes. I’ve finally gotten to a lull where I at least make Cs and Bs, which has appeased my parents so far, but if I’m going to even consider going with Adam, I’m going to have to buckle down and prove to them I’ve changed. I snap out of it and listen intently the rest of the hour, but every few minutes I catch myself smiling.