She dialed Britt’s number, and her friend answered at once, her sunny voice conveying her happiness with Jack.
“Hi, babe!” Britt said.
“Hey, sunshine. Ease up on the perky. I just spent five hours listening to some broad in HR read a PowerPoint out loud.”
“Ouch. Five hours?”
“Okay, one hour, but it felt like five hours,” Marj grumbled. “Enough of me. How’s my favorite newlyweds?”
“Fantastic. I mean, I never knew it was possible to be this happy!” she said. “Jack’s got a show in Sonoma tonight, and tomorrow we’re for the boardwalk at Santa Monica!”
“That’s great. I mean, it makes me want to stick my head in the oven, but it’s great for you,” Marj deadpanned.
“It won’t do you any good. You just keep your shoes in the oven. I know you. It’s not like you’ve ever turned one on!”
“I’m not turning on anything or anyone these days. Gosh, I can’t believe everything went south so fast with Luke.”
“I mean, the secretary? Really? Did he not have a shot with a Swedish airline stewardess? I am profoundly disgusted with him, and I’m sorry I ever considered him a friend,” Britt declared loyally.
“What does Jack say?”
“He’s not happy about it at all,” Britt said.
“What does he say about what his friend Luke did to me? And don’t sugar coat it. I’ll know if you do. Just give me the truth.”
“He said, they’re both players and one of them was bound to get played,” Britt said with an audible cringe.
“Hmph. I guess he’s right but it sucks. And tell him he’s never going to get to try my legendary apple pie because I’m not baking for him!”
“With God as my witness, you have never baked a pie. Why would I threaten him with the lack of an imaginary pie?”
“Look, for all he knows, I could have won the blue ribbon at the county fair for my superior pies.”
“Marj, he’s not stupid. If I told him you won an award in Booty Boot Camp or you put together an unbelievably gorgeous outfit for like seven dollars, that he’d believe. He knows your skillset. You worked for his dad the same time I did.”
“Britt, trust me when I tell you that Jack was not wasting time and awareness on what might or might not be in my wheelhouse of abilities. He was ogling you. Straight up trying to peek down the cleavage ogles. Whenever we were talking down in marketing, and you headed our way, he’d kick his feet up on the desk like he was relaxed, just shooting the shit, but it was his ‘try to act natural’ move.”
“I think that’s cute,” Britt said.
“Of course, you do. Because he was smitten with you. I’ve never scored smitten. It’s not a thing in my world. I’m not even getting selfie likes on Facebook anymore. I’m down to like six likes, and I think two of those are pity likes. I may need to redo my roots already. And I’ve been reading about eyebrows, like if you have skinny ones they make you look older.”
“Your eyebrows are not old, Marj. You’re beautiful, and you’re in terrific shape because you work your ass off, and the only reason you don’t have a man yet is because most men are stupid. Like really stupid. I am fairly sure I got the last one in Manhattan who wouldn’t qualify for medical brain death declaration. I mean, do you remember the guys I used to date?”
“Yes. I do. I’d rather not mention them by name because I’ll have a post traumatic episode. As a matter of fact, I haven’t had the best luck myself, and since I lack your sunny view of the world, I’m probably doomed to solitude.”
“In that case, I’ll send you a souvenir vibrator when we get to LA.”
“Thanks,” Marj said, “try and find one with my name on it. I like to feel special and scream my own name.”
“I still can’t imagine Creative Consulting without you. I mean I know you didn’t want to work with Luke—”
“I could not work with him. He humiliated me, and I kept wanting to throw coffee on him whenever I saw him. As a practical woman, I knew that throwing scalding hot coffee on him would cost me my job and a lawsuit. So, to avoid jail time, I quit.”
“How’s the new workplace?”
“The salary’s the same, and the benefits are even worse. I may have to sell my spare kidney if I don’t get a tax refund this year.”
“You don’t exactly have expensive tastes. You’re the most frugal person I know, and I’m an accountant, Marj.”
“Correction. I do have expensive tastes. I just can’t afford to indulge them.”