Accidental Sire(87)

Dad waved her off. Ben put his arm around me and gave me a little squeeze as Dad said, "Meggie's a gorgeous girl. Boys are going to be all over her. She needs to know which ones to toss and how to pick the very, very small number that will be worthy of keeping."

"She's three," Mom protested.


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"Baby doll, I've told her how to change her own flat tire and how to survive in the woods with just a knife and some duct tape. What kind of father would I be if I didn't give her a survival guide for the jungles of the datin' world?" He paused and looked directly into the camera. "Or not dating, sweetheart. Not dating is definitely an option you should consider. Lots of girls are becoming nuns nowadays. Don't let the fact that we're not Catholic stop you."

"Jim." Mom sighed, and a heavy silence filled the air. "I still think you're jinxing yourself, making these tapes."

All of the humor drained from his face for a moment. "It's important, Nita. These are things Meagan needs to know, life lessons. How to be a successful, functional grown-up."

"Fine." Mom sighed again. "But fifteen years from now, when she shows these at your retirement party and your army buddies laugh at you, you'll have no one to blame but yourself."

My lips twitched at this funny little everyday moment between my parents, the teasing and gentle arguing. I only half listened as Dad went down the list of "automatic disqualifiers" for any boy who hoped to deserve me-no drunks, no druggies, no Creed fans-as I focused on the bantering. They sounded a little like Jane and Gabriel, exasperated but so in love it didn't matter who ended up saying "I told you so." I'd missed these nuances, watching the tapes as a kid. As a semiadult, I could imagine what my life might have been like having them both as I grew up.

"Now, Meggie, sweetheart, if you learn anything from this little conversation, I hope it's this. Love isn't always pretty. It doesn't always fit with what you thought you wanted or needed. It's not always easy. Lord knows, it hasn't always been smooth going between your mom and me, mostly because of some idiot thing I decided was an awesome idea."

"The food dehydrator for my birthday?" Mom noted.

"You said the commercial looked interesting!" he exclaimed. He turned his face to the camera and frowned, as if to say, See?

"My point is that you can't expect love to be all kisses and flowers all the time. It can be hard and ugly and end up with a food dehydrator smashed in your backyard. But at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, is this the person you can't do without? Not just in that butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of way but when you're scared and alone, is his face the first thing you think of? And when you get good news, is he the first person you want to tell? If he is, maybe you've found the person you want to be with. He won't deserve you, of course. And I'll spend all of my time reminding him that he's not good enough for you, which will be fun for me. But if you're happy, I'll be happy for you. Of course, if you're not happy, I will have purchased a wood chipper by the time you're sixteen. And I'll take care of the problem, no questions asked." 

"Well, that's not going to scar her forever, threatening to Fargo her future husband," my mom said.

"Like you're not going to be standing behind me with a shovel in your hand," Dad shot back.

Mom rounded the camera stand, throwing her legs over Dad's lap as he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her soundly. Dad laughed and leaned his forehead against her neck. "You should turn the camera off before this gets weird."

Mom laughed, reached toward the camera, and hit the power button. The screen went blank. I shook my head. It was a little emotionally scarring but only because of that last bit. Tears had soaked through the front of my shirt, and I used the hem to mop up my cheeks.

I turned toward Ben to thank him, hoping he wasn't completely uncomfortable listening to my parents tell me what was acceptable in a partner. But he'd fallen asleep. All sweet and stupid, with his mouth hanging open. I couldn't blame him. I would have fallen asleep, too, if I was watching videos of someone else's parents. Plus, he was probably exhausted from all the parental reunion  s and emergency situations.

No drunks. No druggies. No Creed fans.

Ben seemed to fit most of my dad's requirements. Our relationship had not been pretty. It was definitely not smooth. I didn't think that was possible when your first date involved a crushed sternum. It wasn't what I'd pictured for myself-living with my boyfriend with a bunch of vampire housemates, working for a shadow government. I didn't know if we had gotten to the "can't live without you" phase. But I could get there.