She nodded and helped me carry the food to the table, though she hardly touched it and her mind seemed like it was a million miles away. I reached over and covered her hand with mine.
“Are you OK?”
She looked up at me and nodded. “I guess. It’s not like I wasn’t expecting this. He’d been sick for a while. Alzheimer’s.”
“Was it…bad?” I asked carefully. Her eyes watered again and I could have kicked myself for asking inane questions that only made her more upset.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me anything,” I said quickly.
“No, it’s OK. Yeah, it was bad at the end. He didn’t know who I was.”
“That’s awful,” I whispered.
“He thought I was one of the nice nurses,” she said bitterly. “They should be nice, with what I was paying them.”
“You were paying?”
“I was his guardian of sorts,” she explained with a sigh. “There wasn’t anyone else and it’s not like he could manage his affairs himself. It’s pretty poetic, really.”
“What is?”
Her bottom lip trembled and she drew a stuttering breath. “He…took care of me after…my parents. And then I took care of him.”
She picked up her glass and had a sip of water.
“That’s why we moved here, you know,” she continued. “The home he was in. They’re really good with Alzheimer’s patients. I tried to visit as much as I could. We had dinner together a few nights a week. Not that it made a difference to him. He…he forgot me.”
Her voice cracked on the last word and she buried her face in her hands. I had never seen her like this, so vulnerable and unguarded. She was usually in complete control of herself, and it pained me to see her so hurt and frail. I knelt next to her chair. I put my hand on her knee and she lowered her hands again. She looked as though she was going to say something, but instead she launched herself into my arms.
I sat on the floor for a while with her curled up on my lap. She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of the pajamas before sighing heavily.
“What is it?” I asked softly.
“I’m so tired,” she whispered. “I haven’t really slept. The funeral arrangements took a lot of time.”
“You did all of it by yourself?” I asked incredulously.
“No one else to do it,” she answered, shrugging. “I’d like to go to bed now.” She stood up and started clearing her plate, but I told her to get ready for bed and that I would clean up. She gave me a grateful smile and padded into the bathroom while I quickly cleared the table.
“Stephen?” she called. “Do you have an extra toothbrush?”
Damn.
“I’m sorry, I don’t.”
“I’ll just use yours, OK?”
Normally, the thought of someone else using my toothbrush would have bothered me, but because it was Julia it made me smile. Maybe it was stupid, but somehow it made everything more real. She was really going to spend the night with me.
“OK,” I called out.
I used the bathroom next and changed into my own set of pajamas. Julia was already in bed and I wasn’t sure how to proceed.
“I can, uh,” I said and motioned toward the living room.
“Just come to bed, Stephen,” she mumbled. She was on her side facing me and I lay down on my back. I didn’t know if I should hold her or not. I didn’t want to overstep and risk that she’d want to sleep on the couch. I really, really wanted to hold her, though. When she moved a little closer, I decided to take the plunge. Slowly, I reached over and pulled her against my chest, and much to my delight she melted into my embrace, wrapping her arm around me.
“Thank you for letting me stay,” she whispered.
I kissed her forehead and caressed her hair. “Don’t thank me,” I murmured. “I meant what I said before. You can stay as long as you like.”
“And thank you for the flowers,” she said, pressing her lips against the side of my neck. “They’re so beautiful.”
“You really like them?”
“I love them,” she said softly. “I didn’t get them until I went home today. I was staying with the girls. My neighbor found them and put them in water for me.”
“Oh, I, uh, I thought maybe you didn’t like them, or…I didn’t hear from you.”
“I’m here now, though.”
I kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair again. She sighed a little and soon her breathing became deep and regular. I had never spent the night with a woman before, and now I was glad for that fact. I only ever wanted to sleep with Julia. I was finally able to hold her for more than a few minutes and it was wonderful to know that she would be here all night and that I would see her again in the morning.