“What happened?” I whispered.
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “I just…”
She brushed past me into the kitchen, where she held her cigarette under running water before she threw it in the trash.
“Look, are you going to fuck me or not?” she asked.
What? I can’t, not like this.
“Julia.”
“Are you?” she asked impatiently.
“No, but—”
“Then there’s no reason for me to stay!” she exclaimed, and headed for the hallway.
No. I am not letting her leave like this.
I grabbed her hand, mentally preparing myself to get thrown down like last time, but she simply stopped, hanging her head. I held her hand gently and felt it tremble in mine as she stood with her back turned to me.
“Please,” I whispered.
I wasn’t entirely sure what I was begging for. That she would stay? That she would let me in? That she would let me love her? All of the above?
“Please,” I said again a little louder, giving her hand a small squeeze.
Her shoulders trembled and I realized that she was crying. She was crying, and it broke my heart. Without another thought I pulled her to me and enveloped her in my arms. Loud, gasping sobs shook her body as she leaned against me.
Oh God, what should I do? What do I say?
I had never comforted a crying woman before and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I had no idea what had happened to her. She didn’t look physically hurt, at least. I gently stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.
“I’m here, I’m here,” I whispered. I didn’t know if those words brought her any comfort, but I hoped she understood that I was here for her. She pulled away, and I was scared that she would leave.
“Do you want something to drink?” I offered.
Please say yes, please say yes.
She nodded and I hurried into the kitchen. I was unsure what I should serve her. Alcohol didn’t seem like a very good idea.
Think. She’s upset and needs something comforting.
Inspiration hit me and I started to pull things from the fridge and freezer quickly. I found her in the living room again and handed her the tall glass, which she eyed, frowning.
“What is this?” she asked, turning it in her hand to inspect it.
“Um, it’s a, uh, a black cow?”
“A what?”
“It’s a root beer float. You know…with ice cream,” I explained. She gave it another long look before taking a drink from the straw.
Oh God, I hope she likes it.
“This is good,” she said, sniffling a little. “Why did you make it for me?”
“My mom used to make them when I was upset,” I confessed. “You know, when I was little.”
Her eyes watered again and I immediately regretted telling her, although I didn’t know why she was crying. I took the glass from her and put it on the coffee table, as though that would somehow make her less sad. She stood in front of me, looking like she was two seconds away from either jumping me again or sprinting to the door. I wasn’t interested in either, so for once I took the lead and ushered her over to the couch where we sat down next to each other.
“Why weren’t you in class today?” I asked cautiously.
“I had to be somewhere,” she said. “I’m sorry I missed it—and our talk afterward.”
“That’s OK. Are you all right?”
“Why do you care?” she asked.
Because I love you.
“I…just do.”
She turned her head to look at me for a second and wiped away a tear. “Yeah, I’m all right,” she sighed.
I looked down at her hands resting in her lap, and saw that her nails were bitten down to the quick. What had happened to her? I realized that I would have to drag every answer out of her if I wanted to know anything.
“Where did you go today?”
She sniffled again and blinked a few times. “A funeral,” she whispered.
Oh, no.
I reached over and took her hand gently in mine.
I’m here, Julia. I’ll be here for you.
I didn’t know if I should ask her who the funeral was for. Would that be too forward of me or would it be impolite if I didn’t inquire further?
“It was my grandfather,” she said before I could ask.
“Oh Julia, I’m so sorry,” I said softly, grasping her hand a little more firmly.
Her gaze traveled down to our joined hands and without warning she yanked hers away from mine before jumping off the couch. Even with her back turned I could see that she was upset. She was breathing faster and clenching her fists at her sides.
“I don’t even know why I’m this fucking upset about it!” she suddenly yelled.
I stood up and put my hands on her shoulders cautiously. She flinched at my touch but at least she didn’t pull away.