“If we’d had a few more minutes it might have been us.”
I dropped my head and chuckled against her skin before helping her off the hood of the car. We drove in silence just listening to the radio and I wished that some of my bravery from the parking lot had lingered so I would have the courage to reach over and hold her hand. I pulled up at her apartment, unsure of what I should say or do. Would she invite me upstairs? Would she kiss me good night and send me on my way? Would she simply thank me for the ride and leave without a second glance in my direction? She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to give me a quick kiss.
“Thank you for taking me home,” she whispered, turning to open the door.
I can’t let her go like this.
“Julia,” I said, holding her hand gently.
“I’m tired,” she said with a sigh, looking back at me. “I’m sorry. I can’t invite you up. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
I could see that she was telling the truth. When I looked closely I could see the dark circles under her eyes, although she had attempted to cover them with makeup. I traced them lightly with my fingertip.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“Thank you. It’s just…I have a lot on my mind.”
I wanted to tell her that we could just sleep if she invited me up. I didn’t even care about sex right now. I would gladly hold her in my arms and stroke her hair all night while she slept, but offering to do that might be too much for her. It was definitely the sort of thing that a boyfriend would do for a girlfriend, and something told me Julia wasn’t ready for that.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered, but as I had expected, she simply shook her head and gave me a watery smile.
“Will I see you again?” I managed to get out.
“You’ll see me in class on Tuesday.”
“Outside of class,” I pressed. “I want to…”
Take away the pain I see in your eyes, kiss you, hug you, talk and laugh with you, make love to you, cook for you. I want to watch you sleep and brush your hair and feed you strawberries. I want all of it, Julia.
“…I want to keep seeing you privately,” I said, cowardly hiding my true feelings but also acting out of self-preservation. Julia would run in the opposite direction if she knew, and that would not bode well for me.
“Maybe we can talk after class?” she suggested.
“You’re not saying no, then?”
She shook her head. “I…I have a lot going on,” she said quietly. “But we can talk more on Tuesday, OK?”
I nodded. She hadn’t agreed to restart our arrangement, but she wasn’t rejecting the idea either. When she leaned over and kissed me again, I cupped her face in my hands.
“Good night,” I whispered against her lips before she pulled away.
“Good night, Stephen,” she said softly as she exited the car.
Upon reaching her door, she turned and smiled at me before going inside. It made my stomach feel fluttery. I watched as the lights in her apartment went on and I knew that she was safely inside.
“Sweet dreams,” I whispered.
I knew that all my dreams, asleep and awake, revolved around her now, and I also knew that this was not going to change. The realization was both terrifying and exciting, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could never go back to safe and predictable again after having met Julia. Matt was right. She had resuscitated me, made me feel alive, and, most important, made me experience what it was like to be in love. Now I only hoped that I might be able to do the same for her.
Chapter 20
The snippet of “Sexual Healing” woke me the following morning.
Not now!
I had been having the most wonderful dream about Julia. We were outside in a field or a meadow somewhere making love. Not sleeping together, having sex, or any of the other terms. No, we were making love, and it was beautiful. I had told her how much I loved her and she had touched my face and smiled before saying that she loved me too.
My phone rang again and I stumbled out of bed and into the living room to answer it. Why I never learned to put it on my nightstand before bed was beyond me.
“Hey, bro,” Matt said cheerfully when I picked it up. “Come meet me and Shawn for brunch.” My stomach rumbled the second he mentioned food.
“The usual place?”
“Yup. You can bring Julia if you want,” he offered.
I could feel my lips turn into a pout at the reminder that Julia and I hadn’t spent the night together.
“She’s not here,” I said simply, not wanting to get into it over the phone.
“Oh,” my brother said. “I’m sorry, Stephen.”