And then the two of us could have lived safely and boringly ever after.
But I didn’t want that life anymore. I didn’t want predictable and safe. I would be settling with Lily, no matter how appropriate she might be for me, and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I wanted passion and laughter and love. I wanted Julia.
I have to get her back.
I briefly wondered if there was a risk that she might go back on her word and report me to the university, but I dismissed the thought the second it came to me. No matter how angry Julia was, I could never imagine her doing anything that vengeful. It was clear, however, that she didn’t want to talk to me. All my calls went unanswered and the many text messages I sent begging for a chance to see her were ignored. I hardly ate, slept poorly, and was generally miserable. A harsh contrast to how wonderful I’d felt recently.
Monday morning, I was sitting in my office chewing my fingernails off, almost contemplating taking up smoking just to have something to do with my hands. It was either that or knitting at this point, and I had a strong suspicion that needlework would spark incorrect assumptions about a thirty-three-year-old bachelor who also loved poetry and wine.
“Stephen?” Brian walked in, pulling me out of my thoughts. I motioned for him to sit down, resisting the urge to shove my fingers back into my mouth.
“So, how’ve you been?” he asked, frowning.
I gave him a look.
“OK, stupid question. You look like hell.”
“I guess.” I hadn’t bothered with grooming and it obviously showed.
“No word from her?” Brian asked quietly.
“None. But I’m going over to her place tonight regardless.” The thought of showing up uninvited made me queasy, but I’d run out of options.
“Well, I read it,” Brian said, reaching into his briefcase. “You were right. It’s a great paper.”
“Yeah?”
Brian handed it to me. “I’d say it’s a great start to a thesis, if she plans on going in that direction. I gave it an A and added a few comments, so she knows it’s coming from me and not you.”
“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” I said, slipping the paper into an envelope for safekeeping.
“Don’t mention it. Are you…heading home now?”
“I really look that bad?”
Brian grimaced. “Maybe you should get some sleep, if you’re heading over there tonight, I mean.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “That’s good advice. I guess I’ll be pretty useless around here anyway.”
“I have to get to class,” Brian said, standing up. “Will you let me know what happens?”
“Of course.” The growing dread in the pit of my stomach turned my voice into a croak.
What if she won’t forgive me?
My friend hesitated at the door.“Stephen, you just made a mistake. It happens. Trust me, you’ll make plenty more. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
I nodded again, giving him a weak smile as he left.
When I got home, I tried calling Julia again, but she still wasn’t picking up. After pacing for a few hours, watching the minutes creep by, I drove to her apartment, hoping against hope that she’d let me in and talk to me. I missed her and was worried about her. My heart plummeted when there was no answer at her door.
That night, I slept fitfully, knowing I’d be seeing Julia in class the following day. I had decided to talk to her discreetly after class. I was scared that she might yell at me again, but I was even more petrified that she would ignore me and not speak to me at all. I genuinely didn’t know which would be worse: her wrath or her dismissal.
But I didn’t find out. Class started and ended, and Julia never showed up. I knew that she had stayed away because of me, and the thought that I might never see her again made my insides hurt.
When I got home, I tried calling her again, and spent the next couple of hours pacing back and forth with my phone clutched in my hand. Finally, I knew that I had to take action. Julia refused to answer my calls and come to class, so I would have to find a different way of contacting her. Turning to my computer, I used the university directory to find the address of her two friends, who it turned out shared an apartment. I drove over, intent on giving them a message for Julia, since she wouldn’t talk to me herself.
Standing outside their place, I braced myself and knocked on the door. Seconds later, Megan opened the door. For a moment, she looked blankly at me, but then her eyes flared in recognition.
Uh-oh.
“You!” she exclaimed. “What the hell do you want?”
“H-hello, Ms. Wilson,” I said. “I, um, I can’t get hold of Julia.”