I stared down at the papers still in my hand, cursing myself for being so asinine. How could I have thought that grading her assignment while I was angry with her was a good idea?
Because you were drunk.
“Idiot!” I scolded myself, closing the door and stepping inside my apartment again. “You stupid idiot!”
I had to fix this. It was all a misunderstanding. I would never, ever have given Julia an F if I’d been sober. As much as I hated the fact that she interrupted my lectures, she always had something well thought-out and insightful to say. It was clear that she had put a lot of work into her paper and I’d completely disregarded it with my remarks in red ink. Glancing down, I could see my comments in the margins and I cringed. I wondered if Julia had managed to read them all. I hoped not.
If only she hadn’t discovered it today, everything would have been all right. I would have seen the paper and gone over it again, giving it a fair grade. Julia never would have known and everything would have been fine. Better than fine. I couldn’t believe that this had happened, just as we were beginning to make progress, and after such a wonderful day in her company. Right now, we would probably be on the couch, waiting for our takeout to arrive. Maybe she’d have let me kiss her again, in that tender way that wasn’t meant to lead to sex.
God, I miss her already.
I had to talk to her. With my heart in my throat, I dialed her number, but it went straight to voicemail. I was too much of a coward to leave a message. Rubbing my hand across the pain in my chest, I drew a deep breath.
Fix this.
But how? Romantic gestures were out of the question. No roses, chocolates, or poetry would work on strong, stubborn Julia who didn’t seem to believe in love. I would need to find a way of making her agree to pursue an actual relationship with me, but that would have to wait. First, I needed her forgiveness, and in order to achieve that, I needed to read her paper again. Luckily, I always made my students turn in a digital copy of their assignments, so it only took seconds to print out a new version, unblemished by my drunken scribbles. If only it were that easy to start over with Julia herself.
For the next hour, I submerged myself in her words, only to conclude what I’d already known: the paper was excellent and worthy of an A, if not an A+. Still, I knew I couldn’t simply show up on Julia’s doorstep, graded paper in hand, expecting her to believe me. She would think I was merely awarding her with a top grade to get back into her bed—or, even worse, giving it to her as a bribe to keep her quiet about our arrangement. No, it wasn’t enough for me to change the grade. I needed the opinion of someone neutral, someone just as academically qualified. I needed Brian.
* * *
“Stephen, you OK?”
I glanced up at Brian, smiling faintly. When I’d called him to ask for help, he’d invited me to dinner with his family, which had been great and had distracted me from my worries. But now, in the silence of Brian’s home office, they were back.
“No, I’m really not.”
“What’s going on?” he asked, pushing the chessboard between us to the side.
“I…messed up. I did something…something I’m not proud of.”
My friend nodded for me to continue, taking a swig of his wine.
“It’s…” I groaned, pulling my hair. I knew I had to come clean if I wanted Brian’s help with Julia’s paper, but I was scared to tell him the sordid details of my arrangement with her. What would he think of me, knowing that I’d been sleeping with a student? Next to Matt, Brian was my closest friend, and his opinion mattered to me. I was also worried that he might tell me that I had to end things with Julia, and while I didn’t think it was likely that Brian would tell on me, I didn’t want him to disapprove of my choices.
“I’ve been seeing one of my students.”
Brian shifted in his seat. “OK,” he said calmly, waiting for me to go on.
“I didn’t plan it or anything. It just sort of happened,” I explained. “She…well, she sort of seduced me, I guess. But I let her. I wanted her to.”
“And now you want to end it?”
“No!”
Why does everyone assume that? Even Julia thought I gave her an F on purpose to chase her away.
“No,” I said again. “Brian, I’ve…fallen in love with her.” Saying it out loud felt good, cathartic, and I was finally able to relax a little, having lost a bit of the weight on my shoulders.
“Well, that’s good,” my friend said.
Good?!
I had expected him to be shocked and maybe a little concerned, not calm and pleased.
I laughed humorlessly. “No, it’s really not.”