“I really did,” she said. “In fact, I might need you to date more often if that’s what happens afterward.”
Absolutely not.
“No, no more dates,” I said, breathing out.
“Really?”
“Yes, you were right. Seeing two people at the same time gets complicated.”
“So you won’t be dating anyone?”
“No, I’ll just see you.”
“OK,” she said softly.
God, I wish I could see her face. Is she happy about this?
“Um, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Nothing. I woke up a little while ago but I was too lazy to get out of bed.”
“Do you want company?” I blurted out.
I really wanted to see her and get visual confirmation that she was, in fact, fine.
“Sure,” she groaned, sounding like she was stretching. “Why don’t I come by your place with some hangover food? I assume that you could use that?”
“Yes,” I admitted sheepishly.
“Great. Let me jump in the shower and I’ll be over in an hour or so?”
“That sounds good,” I said, smiling.
“I’ll see you soon,” she said and hung up.
“I can’t wait to see you,” I said, even though she couldn’t hear me.
And…and I think I might be in love with you.
Chapter 15
I can’t be in love with Julia! It’s not rational. It doesn’t make any sense!
Throwing my phone on the couch, I paced back and forth in my living room. I should have been appalled by the mess, but I couldn’t seem to care at the moment. I had far more disturbing things to contemplate. I couldn’t be in love with Julia. Our arrangement wasn’t about that. It was about sex and nothing more. We had both agreed on that when we started seeing each other.
It can’t be love. It just can’t.
I didn’t have any personal frame of reference on this particular topic. As far as I knew, I’d never been in love before. Sure, there had been infatuations, and I’d always been fond of the women that I’d dated, but I hadn’t experienced anything that qualified as love. But I had no idea what it was like to be in love, therefore, I couldn’t know if that was what I felt for Julia. I had to have some sort of answer before she came over. How could I find out?
Asking Matt was out of the question. He had never harbored deep feelings for a woman, of that I was completely sure. Plus, he’d never believe that I was making an innocent inquiry and would know something was up. I needed to approach this logically.
What would I do if this was an academic query?
I knew the answer immediately. I would do research. Turning on my computer, I threw some clothes on while it started up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
Research. I’m good at that. I excel at research. I can figure this out.
But I couldn’t use any of my usual search engines. Love in literature and poetry was too vague and there were far too many variables to consider. I needed facts. While I hardly ever used Google in academic research, I now saw no other choice but to type in “signs that you are in love.” I groaned loudly and scrubbed my face with my hands when I saw the results.
Three hundred million hits.
I did find a little comfort in the fact that I apparently wasn’t the only one who had trouble in this particular area of life.
“Signs that you’re in love…for fools,” I read out loud. That seemed oddly appropriate, since I was certainly a fool when it came to love. I clicked on the website and started reading with my heart in my throat.
Your stomach flips when you see this person.
That was true. I did get strange flutters in my stomach when Julia smiled at me. I just thought it was indigestion.
You’re willing to go somewhere you hate.
Check! I really hated her apartment, but I went there to see her.
You give up on casual dating.
Well, I had only had the one date, but I had decided not to see any other women. That was three out of three so far. This was not good.
You fantasize about this person all the time.
Double check! I fantasized and dreamed about her.
You act like an idiot.
Yes, I did. For someone who was supposed to be intelligent, I marveled at my own idiocy whenever she was around.
You hope every phone call you receive is from this person.
No, that wasn’t true! Finally. We texted each other, we didn’t speak on the phone. But I did hope every text message I received was from her. Damn it!
I swallowed a couple of times, staring at the screen. There was no denying the evidence. All the answers pointed in the same direction: I was a fool, and apparently in love.
But…I don’t want to be in love with Julia!