“Hardly,” I scoffed, staring at the ceiling.
“Why do you say that?”
I looked at her again, feeling anxious about revealing something so intimate about myself. “Before I met you I hadn’t had, um, sex in almost four years,” I muttered, horribly embarrassed.
“Four years?” she gasped. “Why? You mentioned that you hadn’t had a lot of sex, but still.”
“I’ve only ever slept with women I’ve dated and it was never like this, like you and me,” I explained. “I guess I just started believing that I wasn’t any good. With women and with…sex.”
“You are,” she said, and I believed her. I was good with her.
“Thank you, I’m sorry that I’m not more experienced.”
My biggest fear was that Julia would grow weary of me and my novice-like ways.
“Don’t apologize,” she said immediately. “I honestly don’t care about that. I like teaching you this stuff.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I’m having a lot of fun, aren’t you?”
I nodded and smiled.
“Good,” she said, standing up. “Don’t worry, Stephen, I’ll teach you anything you want to learn. The next woman you sleep with won’t know what hit her,” she added and winked.
But…I don’t want to sleep with any other women.
“You wanna watch a movie or something?” Julia asked, grabbing the rest of her clothes.
“Um, sure,” I said, as she bounced out of the bedroom.
I sat there on the bed, feeling perplexed. I did have a lot of fun with Julia and I was truly grateful that she’d taught me so much about sex. But it had never occurred to me that she expected me to use what I’d learned with other women. Logically speaking, I knew that she was right. We weren’t in a relationship and if I wanted something like that, I’d need to start dating again at some point. But if I got serious about another woman, I couldn’t keep seeing Julia.
Oh, grow up already. You know what this is. Just enjoy it while it lasts.
I sighed and started dressing. Julia appeared at the door.
“Coming, buddy?” she asked with a sweet smile.
I have never hated a word so much in my life.
Chapter 13
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I was sitting in my car outside a nice downtown restaurant, about to meet Lily for dinner. I was nervous, jittery, and sweating in my suit. This was not how I had hoped to spend my Friday night.
Julia had been somewhat subdued in class today and didn’t contribute to the discussion. Whenever I would sneak a glance at her, she was staring into space, and I don’t think I saw her take a single note, which was uncharacteristic of her. After class, I asked her if she was all right and she offered me a small smile, telling me that she just had a lot on her mind. She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask her to—she seemed like she wanted to keep whatever was distracting her private.
I asked her again if she had any objections about my going out to dinner with Lily. Julia only had to say the word, and I would have happily canceled the date and spent the night with her instead. But she hadn’t. She had once again said that it was fine. I noticed that there was no spring in her step when she walked out of my classroom, but I couldn’t figure out why her spirits seemed so low. If she didn’t want me going out with Lily then surely she would have said something. Julia was never one for keeping her opinion to herself.
I wanted to see her tonight, make sure we were OK, but knew it would be in poor taste to meet with her after spending the first portion of the night with another woman. Plucking up a bit of courage, I sent her a text asking for a rendezvous, which was a first for me.
Julia, if you aren’t otherwise engaged, I was wondering if you would like to come over tomorrow evening. Sincerely, Stephen.
I looked at the display and read the message over and over again, hoping it sounded all right. Drawing a deep breath, I quickly pressed SEND before I could change my mind. Immediately, I felt a flutter in my stomach. What if she said no? Would she find me repulsive for wanting to see her the very night after I had taken another woman out to dinner?
Stop. She already told you that she’ll only decline an invitation to meet if she’s otherwise engaged. And she doesn’t care that you’re dating someone else, she said so.
I knew all this, but I still felt rotten about my decision to see Lily tonight. However, I wanted to get married and have a family someday, and the only way to obtain that dream was to date appropriate women. I couldn’t keep postponing if I wanted it to become reality. After all, I was thirty-three and wanted children, and I wanted to be married for a while before having them. That meant that I would have to meet someone in the near future, while I was still young enough to do all those things. I didn’t want to end up old and alone. The thought terrified me.