Lucky me.
October is one of my favorite months. There is nothing like Michigan in the fall with its colorful leaves, cider mills, and pumpkin picking. The days are filled with sunshine as the wind carries the fresh brisk air smelling of apples and cinnamon.
I arrived at the parking lot a half hour before I was to meet with Caleb. I wanted to take a short walk through the woods. I loved the sounds of the crunching leaves under my feet. I usually walked with my headphones on, but today, I soaked up the beauty of the afternoon, a feeling of contentment upon me even with the imminent reunion on my mind.
When Caleb drove into the lot, I sat on the hood of my car, leaning back and admiring the blue clear sky. He got out of his vehicle and walked over to me, causing my heart to accelerate from both nervousness and, sadly, arousal. I silently acknowledged my feelings and greeted him with a smile.
“It’s good to see you,” I said, and meant it. I had missed him the last few months.
“What do you want, Sara? I’m meeting someone in twenty minutes,” he informed me, anger in his voice. His eyes gave him away, displaying the underlying pain of seeing me again.
“I came to apologize to you and to take the responsibility for my part in the breakup.”
“Your part? The whole thing was your fault!” he yelled.
I had never seen him so emotional, and I had to fight my urge to both comfort him and defend myself. Neither would be a good idea.
“I’m not here to argue with you. I’m here to make amends, and you can listen, or walk away. It’s up to you.”
He stood clenching and unclenching his fists. “I’m listening.”
“I’m sorry I led you to believe I’d marry you. I wasn’t only lying to you. I lied to myself. I did love you, Caleb. We weren’t right for each other and when I went to Israel, I realized it. I was going to talk to you about it, but you didn’t give me the chance.” I wanted to tell him I didn’t appreciate his surprise proposal at the airport, but I held my tongue.
“Is it because you found someone else in Israel?”
Damn! I didn’t want to lie to him. I also didn’t want to cause him any further pain. I chose to circumvent his question, so I wouldn’t be lying.
“I’m Jewish and you’re Christian. We have different values. Even though I loved you, I couldn’t sacrifice my beliefs for you. I could never feel comfortable having a Christmas tree and going to church once in a while. It’s not who I am. Just like you would have resented sending our children to Hebrew school and paying thousands of dollars for their Bat Mitzvah. We both deserve to be with someone that won’t require us to sacrifice our beliefs. That’s why I knew it wouldn’t work. I should have told you before I went to Israel, but I didn’t want to lose you and I thought by going away, I could escape having to deal with it. Israel just confirmed my suspicions.” Not to mention the fact we weren’t compatible in bed and I was in love with another man, but I didn’t need to tell him that.
His hands unclenched and his jaw relaxed. I had gotten through to him. “We could have worked through our differences in religions, Sara. You didn’t even give it a chance.”
“It wasn’t just our religion, Caleb. My best friend is gay, and she’s a huge part of my life. You were uncomfortable around her. I don’t blame you for it. It’s just who you are and I don’t want to change you.”
He sat next to me on the hood of my car. Part of me panicked we’d dent it, but the rest of me was pleased Caleb felt comfortable enough with me to sit side by side.
“I thought we’d be perfect together. We both wanted to settle down and have kids. We were great in bed together. I thought we had it all.”
I wondered how he could think we had great sex, then I remembered the orgasms I faked. I wasn’t honest with him from so early in our short relationship, he never even knew me. Only one man knew me better than I even knew myself.
Adam.
“I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll meet the right woman soon. I’ve come to believe although we make mistakes, we have to have faith we’re on the right path,” I counseled. What can I say? The Twelve Steps have consumed my life.
He smiled sheepishly. “Actually, I have a date meeting me here in about five minutes. I met her at the grocery store when she stopped me to congratulate me on my engagement. When I explained you had said no, she felt badly and took me out to dinner to console me. We’ve been together ever since. In a way, if it weren’t for you, I never would have met Lila.”
I was a little jealous he had found happiness so quickly. Still, he deserved to find true love as much as I did. “I’m happy for you, Caleb,” I said and gave him a hug just as a car pulled into the parking lot.