After the meeting, everyone gave me a hug. For the first time, I felt like I belonged. I was no longer an outsider looking in. I was connected to these people and people all over the world through our OA community. I would never be alone again.
“Now that you have ninety days under your belt, you’re ready to begin Step Nine. It’s time to make amends,” Alison informed me.
“I haven’t finished Step Six yet. Shouldn’t I take the Steps in order?” I asked nervously.
The Ninth Step required me to make amends to those I’ve harmed. My list of those I’ve hurt might not be that long, but it required me to speak to those I’ve worked very hard to avoid. Like Caleb.
“Most people aren’t working on a deadline like you are, Sara,” Alison said, smirking while she filed her nails. She had the longest nails of anyone I knew and she constantly shaped them with a nail file. My guess is she needed to keep her hands busy.
“Deadline. What deadline?”
“Let’s see now ... In two weeks you’ll be going to your brother’s party where you might face Adam. Or you won’t. Either way, you’ll have to deal with it and I want you prepared. You need to talk to Missy and Caleb. I’m giving you twelve days to do it. Then if Adam is at the party, you’ll have put the past behind you and you’ll be ready to move on. If he’s not at the party, I want you to call him and make your amends.”
Oh, crap.
CHAPTER 35
OCTOBER 20, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
“What did you need to speak to me about?” Missy asked as we waited for our drinks at our coffee shop.
I contemplated what I needed to say to her and I hoped she’d still want to be friends with me after. My goal was to make amends without hurting her in the process. After writing it on paper several different ways, I decided I couldn’t prepare for what I had to say.
“I’ve been working the Twelve Steps through Overeaters Anonymous. Are you familiar with it?”
We got our drinks and sat at the same table I had sat with Adam all those months ago when he gave me legal advice on my contract with the Morning show. He never did bill me for it.
“It’s like Alcoholics Anonymous only for food addicts, right? There’s a show on TV where the characters met at one of the meetings.”
Really? Hmm, I’d have to check that out.
“Yeah. Anyway, I’ve been working the Steps for the last three months and I’ve come to the part where I need to make amends to those I hurt. You’re number one on my list.” I felt my hands shaking as I tried to lift the cup of coffee to my lips. Maybe I should have ordered decaf today.
“I’m honored to be the first on your list, but, Sara, you don’t have anything to make amends for anymore. You already apologized,” she reminded me. Missy seemed uncomfortable, and I knew she worried as much as I did about where our conversation would lead us.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to lessen my anxiety and silently prayed for the strength to make my amends. A few moments later, a feeling of peace washed over me and I acknowledged the signal from my Higher Power to begin.
“I don’t know if I consciously knew you were in love with me, but I think subconsciously I did. I took advantage of that fact. I liked having someone who loved me and supported me,” I started.
“Well who wouldn’t?” Missy added, her lips quivering from unshed tears.
“You’re right. We all want someone to love us, but most of us can stand on our own two feet if we don’t. I didn’t have the power to be alone. I was afraid of what I really felt inside and pushed it all down with food. As a result, I hurt you, my best friend. I let you take care of me and put my needs in front of your own. I kept telling myself I’d talk to you about it, but I never did because I was afraid.” I stopped, trying to catch my breath. I always talked too fast when I was nervous. Missy knew that about me.
“Why were you afraid?” she asked, sounding confused.
Understandable, since I confused myself most of the time.
“I was afraid if I reminded you to put yourself first you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. You’d find someone else to love and you wouldn’t need me. You wouldn’t be there to take care of me. I was selfish and I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you,” I cried.
I pulled a tissue out of my purse. Since I no longer repressed my emotions, I cried a lot more.
“You didn’t do it on purpose, Sara. I know that now. You were right. I used you as an excuse not to put myself out there. I thought it was my job to take care of you and I convinced myself I was in love with you, but I wasn’t ... at least not romantically. I felt safe with you and I never felt safe with anyone else. Not even my own family,” she revealed.