“I went on my first diet at eight years old. I knew I didn’t look like the other girls with their flat stomachs and palpable ribcage. I found it more difficult to run and climb and eventually I grew to dislike any physical activity. When I lost the weight, I thought the other kids would be nice to me, but nothing changed. I still got teased and picked on and called fat. I wanted to eat a Twinkie for dessert like all the other kids, but my mother packed me fruit. Losing weight didn’t make me any happier. I had one close friend, Missy, and that was it. The other girls reluctantly invited me to their birthday parties, but I always felt like the odd one out, never part of the crowd. As a child, I couldn’t identify my feelings, much less describe them to an adult.
“By my teenage years, I had a full-blown eating disorder. I wavered between starvation and binges, made easier by the cases of chocolate candy bars stored in my bedroom closet that were intended to raise money for my youth group. I sold all the candy bars, but most of them to myself. I had to babysit extra hours to pay for them, just so I didn’t have to admit to my parents I had consumed about six candy bars a day for a month.
“My parents did everything they could to help me. They paid for diets and shrinks, ignored the problem, confronted the problem, restricted my food or allowed me to eat whatever I wanted. My weight was blamed on both my lack of willpower and their failure as my parents.
“At one point, I weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds. My doctor placed me on medications to control my blood pressure, cholesterol, and sugars. I knew if I maintained my patterns of eating, I’d die from a heart attack or a stroke before I turned forty.
“More importantly, I believed at that weight, I’d never find anyone who would want to marry me and raise kids with me. I joined a diet program through a hospital, which allowed me to lose weight extremely quickly by drinking five shakes a day and eliminating food.
“I lost a lot of weight and quit the diet before maintenance. I got to a comfortable weight. I wasn’t thin by any means, but I got off all the medications my doctor had prescribed for the conditions caused by my obesity.
“Still, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t stop from feeling like a fraud. Here I counseled young women on self-esteem and no one had lower self-esteem than me. I wasn’t honest with myself or with others, pretending I didn’t spend Saturday night’s bingeing and watching television, passing out like an alcoholic and hungover from the binge the following day. Because my weight had stabilized over the last couple of years, I convinced myself I had everything under control, while at the same time, the guilt and shame I carried overwhelmed me. I couldn’t bury my unhappiness anymore.
“Some of you may know last February, my younger brother got married. I got drunk and admitted to a room full of people I was jealous of him. For the first time, I was honest. Before I could stop myself, I vowed to get married within the year. Then the media got wind of the story and I agreed to let them chronicle my journey. I put this huge pressure on myself because I couldn’t deal with the fact my brother got married before me. It seems silly now, but when I was in the food, it seemed like the right thing to do.
“Although I didn’t know it at the time, my Higher Power had a plan for me. I’m still not sure exactly what it was, but it sent me to Israel to find true love and back again to lose it, leading to an epiphany. I had hit rock bottom and I had no idea how to dig my way out. I needed help. I needed OA.
“These last few months have taught me I can’t do it alone. That when it comes to food, I have no willpower, and that’s okay. Because now, I have placed myself in the hands of my Higher Power, and my compulsion to overeat has been lifted.
“Am I happy? I wish I could say I am, but I refuse to be dishonest. I’m not happy, and that’s all right. My unhappiness won’t kill me, but my overeating to deal with my unhappiness would have killed me eventually. I’ve learned to live with my unhappiness. You know what? It’s not that bad. I’m content with my life. I believe that, someday, I will be happy.
“For the first time in my life, I love myself. I don’t need anyone else to love me or to validate me. I might never get married and if that’s my Higher Power’s wish, then I accept it. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. Now, I live in the present. I don’t look back, and I don’t anticipate the future. I take it one day at a time. For now, I’m where I need to be. Thank you.”
Everyone clapped, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn’t realized it, but I never peeked at my notes once during the entire time of my talk. Alison had said my Higher Power would talk through me and that’s exactly how it felt.