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A Year to Remember(86)

By:Shelly Bell


I have been hit on a time or two at the bars and I’ve received a few inquiries for dates on JDate, but I’m not ready to date anyone at this point in my recovery. Ironically, since I’ve been abstinent from compulsive overeating, men have been flirting with me. Alison and Hannah said it’s because I have more confidence in myself. I’m sure they’re right, but I also know the truth.

I’ve lost weight.

I don’t know how much because Alison won’t let me go on a scale. For food addicts, the scale is a dangerous weapon. I used to go on the scale at least twice a day when I dieted, obsessed with the number. I could have eaten healthily, but if I gained even an ounce, I’d become disappointed in myself and disillusioned with the diet. I mean if you do exactly what they tell you to do on a diet and you gain weight, what’s the point, right? It was the number that counted.

I learned the problem with diets is they only focus on losing weight. Some programs claim to teach healthy eating habits as well and of course, that’s important. For some people like me, weight is a symptom of an underlying illness in which no diet can cure.

Miraculously, I found the cure in OA.

With some self-confidence and weight loss, I have a greater selection of men from which to choose, but I no longer want them! Hannah said men love a challenge and now that I’m unattainable, I became more desirable to them. Her logic hurts my head.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept a sliver of belief maybe Adam and I will find our way back to each other.

Even if we didn’t, I wanted to remain faithful to him until Halloween. I plan on going to my brother’s party and if Adam doesn’t come, I’ll accept he didn’t want me. Even if Adam was there and didn’t want me, I’d accept his decision. At least I would know I honored my promise to him and I did everything I could to make it work.

I still didn’t know if I could forego marriage. Alison said I shouldn’t try and make that decision right now. I should pray to my Higher Power for guidance and believe the answer will be provided to me.

One thing I did know. I am not going to be married by my thirtieth birthday. I could admit that now.

If Adam didn’t want me, I would survive. I had the support of my friends, my family, and most importantly, my Higher Power. I had to put my faith in His hands and believe everything that happened was for a reason. If Adam and I didn’t end up together living happily ever after, then my Higher Power has a different plan for me.

I have no doubt my Higher Power sent Alison and Hannah to me. Through them, I’ve learned about friendship. I could see the part I played in my dysfunctional friendship with Missy. Someday soon I would need to make amends with Missy. Maybe then we could learn how to be friends again.

Little did I know that day would come sooner than later.



“I’m glad you decided to come dancing with us,” Hannah yelled over the blare of the music.

Hannah and Alison had convinced me to go dancing at a club that played disco and eighties music. I was the designated driver since I had eliminated alcohol from my food plan. Hannah and Alison took the opportunity to get very drunk and silly.



Because I’ve never felt comfortable dancing in front of other people, I’d get drunk in order to deal with my discomfort. That way, I couldn’t be held responsible for my behavior.

My drunkenness had led me to my stupid declaration to marry by the time I turned thirty. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic, but without using food as a coping mechanism, I didn’t want to take a chance and replace it with alcohol.

Now I was at a bar, dancing, completely sober, and having a great time. I had been abstinent for over ninety days and had reached my goal of making ninety meetings in ninety days. I had a satisfactory career, good friends, my health, a roof over my head, and a cat I loved who loved me back.

Life was good.

Hannah danced with a guy who reminded me of someone who could be a member of Hell’s Angels. He had multiple tattoos and wore a black leather vest and leather pants. She appeared happy, so I didn’t bother rescuing her.

She came back over to me, laughing and giddy.

“Hey, girlfriends! That guy over there told me about a new store that just opened a block over from here. He owns it with a couple of other guys and he said he can get us a discount if we want.” She looked positively euphoric.

“What kind of store?” I asked while we danced to Abba’s “Dancing Queen.”

“Sex toys.”

I stopped dancing. Did she say sex toys?

Alison rolled her eyes at Hannah, then shook her head. “Hannah has a thing for debauchery.”

“I’ve never been to a sex toy store.” I knew of a couple in the area, but I would never have imagined I’d actually go into one. I had even been invited to sex toy parties, but the idea of talking about sex openly seemed ... embarrassing.