“What did he tell you?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. I knew in my gut my mom would pick up my discomfort and put two and two together. When I snuck a peek, she had a smile on her face. To her credit, she stayed quiet.
“He didn’t say much, which is why we figured there must be something he’s hiding,” Seth said.
I shook my head and tried to appear perplexed. “Nope. Not that I know of.” I hated lying, but it wasn’t anyone else’s business what went on between Adam and me.
Hoping they bought the lie, I put on a happy face and changed the subject. My mom blew me a kiss and I sat back in my chair, relieved this miserable day was almost over.
CHAPTER 33
AUGUST 18, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
WEIGHT: UNKNOWN
STATUS: SINGLE
Over the next several weeks, I barely had time to think, much less worry. With one more Morning show interview under my belt, the producers swore I’d only have two more to go. One was already scheduled for my birthday. The other would occur sometime in October. I didn’t have much to say to Bethany this time. I explained I needed time to fix my own soul before I could pick up in my quest for my soul mate. She asked what it entailed and I stayed vague. I didn’t want to announce to millions of viewers I was a food addict. I preferred the anonymity of Overeaters Anonymous, especially in light of my career.
I followed Alison’s recommendation and saw a nutritionist with experience with compulsive overeaters. With her help, I identified the foods I considered dangerous for me, mainly wheat products and anything with sugar. I completely eliminated them from my food plan. That meant all my favorite foods. No more cookies warm from the oven or gallons of rocky road ice cream. No pasta with melted butter or double-baked rye bread. No birthday cake. No cheesy pizza.
In the past twenty years, I’ve been on almost every diet there is in existence. I started on Weight Watchers at eight years old when I lost my first twelve pounds. I’ve tried the Rotation Diet, low-fat, low carb, Nutrisystem, shakes, LA Weight Loss, and then Weight Watchers, over and over again. I went to a fat camp for adolescents. I saw nutritionists, doctors, psychologists, hypnotherapists, and acupuncturists.
I both lost and gained thousands of pounds throughout the years and had spent enough money to put me through another four years of college. While in graduate school, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder, due to gallstones caused by years of restrictive dieting.
My addiction to food was slowly killing me. I wouldn’t let it win.
I learned that, like alcoholism, compulsive overeating is a disease. Willpower doesn’t work. I had to learn to surrender to my Higher Power and then somehow through the Twelve Steps, my compulsion to overeat would be lifted.
For one day at a time, I wouldn’t eat wheat or sugar.
Days turned into weeks.
Weeks turned into a month.
I had never felt as proud of myself as when I received my thirty-day coin from Alison at a meeting. I had remained abstinent from wheat and sugar and no longer compulsively overate. I had accepted I was powerless over food and turned my will over to my Higher Power. I worked the Steps and the program by attending daily meetings, journaling, and making phone calls.
Every morning at seven I ate an abstinent healthy breakfast to start out the day with energy. Then, I went to my office to get my paperwork completed before going to a ten o’clock OA meeting. After my meeting, I went to the gym and exercised for a half an hour. I’d follow exercise with an abstinent lunch at my office, work until eight, and have an abstinent dinner at my condo with Spock.
I made sure I got about eight hours of sleep a night. No more, no less. Bed was only for sleeping, not for hiding from the world.
The only time I despised were the weekends when I didn’t have the same demands of the week. How ironic. I used to curse my responsibilities because they took me away from the one thing I wanted-food and lots of it. Now, I craved any responsibility that would keep me busy, so I didn’t have to think about Adam or that soon I’d have to go on national television and admit I’m a failure.
I have to be careful about my weekends because of my tendency to isolate myself from the outside world. I try to maintain a similar schedule as the weekdays, attending meetings and exercising. I even spend time with my parents on the weekend.
Friday nights I spend with Nate at our synagogue. I’d use the time to connect with my Higher Power. Then we’d go to a bar and sing karaoke. He was becoming an important friend to my healing and hopefully, my friendship helped him as well.
Hannah and Alison have gotten into the habit of including me in their Saturday night plans. I’ve never enjoyed dancing at clubs, but with them, I had fun. They remind me I’m not there to impress anyone. I’m there to dance with my friends.