A Year to Remember(81)

Had God, fate, or destiny somehow manipulated me into coming to OA? I considered everything that had happened to me since February.

Could I accept there was somehow a purpose to all of life’s twists and turns?

No, not yet.

I wanted to believe someone watched over me and kept me safe from harm. I needed to believe by pursuing this course of action, I’d find my way to true happiness that didn’t rely on other people’s opinions of me.

“I don’t know how I got here, but I’m grateful I did,” I said as I stood to leave.

“For now, don’t worry about anything. Just take it one day at a time.”

One day at a time.

Easier said than done.



I had been abstinent since my meeting one week ago. Every day got harder rather than easier. I woke thinking about food, went to bed thinking about food, and dreamed about food. I didn’t want to give up yet, but I also didn’t see any evidence of my Higher Power’s presence in my life.

I kept hearing “as if.” If you don’t believe in a Higher Power, act as if you believe in a Higher Power. What the hell did that even mean? They also said ask for the willingness. I’ve never heard so much abstract rhetoric in my life. Now, I understood why some people claimed Twelve Step programs were a cult.

Still, it worked for a lot of people, including Alison. I’ve known several alcoholics who regained sobriety through working a Twelve Step program. Also, Dina would learn about the Twelve Steps at the treatment facility. At least, I should comprehend the Steps and principles for her sake.

I made a promise to Alison to attend ninety meetings in ninety days and I’d keep my promise. Seemed to me I honored a lot of promises to others. Would they honor their promises to me?



I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast of oatmeal and egg whites. When I opened my pantry for salt and saw a box of cookies stuffed in the back, I had an overwhelming urge to eat them. I thought I had purged my kitchen of sugar and flour products. How had I missed this box of cookies?

Maybe it was a sign from God I wasn’t meant for abstinence. He wanted me to eat these cookies. I opened the box and smelled them, imagining the sweetness of the chocolate and how good it would feel to stuff myself until I passed out.

With shaking hands, I turned on the kitchen sink and forced myself to throw the cookies down the garbage disposal. I started crying and fell to my knees. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted to heal.

Thinking about the advice given to me from Alison and other OA members, I started to pray to God.

“God, please help me. I don’t want to binge anymore. Save me. Please save me.” I stayed on my knees praying to God, saying it over and over until the urge to binge passed. Then I rose to my feet, got ready and left for my meeting.

For the first time, I spoke at my meeting, unable to contain my secrets any longer.

“Hi, I’m Sara, and I’m a compulsive overeater,” I started.

“Hi, Sara. Welcome,” everyone said back to me.

“I’ve been abstinent for one week. In a way, it’s been the hardest week of my life. I wanted it to be easy, but I’m discovering it’s not. I listen to other members talk about feeling free from the compulsion and they talk about their Higher Power. I want the same for myself. I don’t want to suffer from the overwhelming urges anymore. I don’t want to stuff myself full of sweets until I’m so nauseas I can’t do anything but sleep it off. So, I’m following the advice. I’m trying to live as if I believe in a Higher Power. I need a sign from Him. Just one sign. Anyway, thanks for listening to me babble and with that I pass.”

“Thanks, Sara. Keep coming back.”

When the meeting ended, Alison stayed to talk with me.

“It isn’t easy, Sara. No one can say otherwise. If you continue to work the program, it will get better. One day, you’ll wake and discover you no longer have the need or urge to binge. It’s an amazing feeling and it’s worth all the work. I promise you. Until then, when you get an impulse to overindulge, call me or someone else in the program. Copy some of the names and numbers out of the book we sign each meeting. Phone calls are one of the tools we need to recover. It helps remind us we’re not alone. You’re not, Sara. You have friends and you can turn to us for help.”

“Thanks, Alison. I will.” I gave her a hug and we started to walk to our cars.

“Remember to keep your eyes and ears open for the signs of your Higher Power. Trust me, He’s communicating. You just have to recognize it.”

We separated as we got into our cars. I went straight to the gym. I hadn’t been to it in ages, but exercise not only helped me lose weight, it cleared my mind and fought latent aggressions.