A Year to Remember(8)

“Yes, three dates a year sounds about right,” I lied. “So, I haven’t dated a lot of men, but how is that relevant?”

“Here’s how I see it. The more dates you go on, the greater the chance you’ll meet the right guy. For the next year, you’ll put yourself out there. Like you said in your toast last night, technology has changed the way we do things.”

I groaned over the mention of my speech. Something else I shamefully accomplished while intoxicated.

“I am never going to live that down. Goldman will bring it up every time he sees me from now on. It wouldn’t surprise me if he puts it on YouTube for the whole world to see. Then, whenever I meet a guy, he’ll only have to Google me to discover I’m desperate.”

Embarrassing scenarios rushed through my imagination. Missy clapped her hands three times to get my attention.

“Don’t worry about Goldman or anyone else for that matter. It wasn’t as bad as you think. Besides, I seriously doubt anyone will bother to take the time to embarrass you on YouTube.”

“Fine,” I muttered, trying to stay focused on the present. “What are your ideas for getting me out there?”

“What you need is to join JDate. You and I will spend the day developing your profile and when it’s complete, you’ll pick five men to contact.”

“That’s it?”

“No, that’s not it. If any of those five respond, you’ll set up a date to meet them.”

“Shouldn’t we email or talk on the phone for a while before meeting?” I interrupted.

“Absolutely not. You don’t want to waste time and that’s exactly what you’ll do if you don’t meet someone right away. First, it will help to eliminate those guys who are married, lying about their appearance, or too intimidated to go on a real date. Second, you may get to know someone on the phone and then you meet and there’s no chemistry. Third, the idea is to go out on as many dates as you can. Phone calls and emails do not count as dates.”

My head spun as I processed everything. I needed something to eat.

I ran to the kitchen to bring a box of Lucky Charms cereal back to my room to munch on while Missy instructed me on “Ten Ways to Meet Your Future Husband Thru the Internet.” She typed it for me while she spoke.



“You will contact five men that live in the tri-county area each week. The email will include one thing you liked about their profile.

“You will accept all offers of a date.

“If he doesn’t ask for a date after one week, you will ask him out. If he gives any excuse, i.e. out of town, working, etc., cease all communications with him.

“You will change your photos monthly to accurately portray your current appearance.

“Always portray confidence. Never indulge in self-deprecating behavior.

“Don’t exaggerate or lie about yourself. He’ll discover it eventually.

“If you don’t feel any chemistry on your first date, tell him at the end of the evening. Do not pretend you’re interested in a second date or plan on telling him by email you’re not interested. Treat him as you wish to be treated and be honest.

“Even if you aren’t interested, let him kiss you if he tries. Don’t forget that on Friends, Monica wasn’t interested in Pete until he kissed her. Yes, they didn’t end up together, but that’s not the point. If you are interested, try to get him to kiss you.

“Don’t stop dating other people even if you are interested in one. Until you are in a committed relationship, you will continue to contact five men a week per this agreement.

“Don’t have sex on the first date even if you want to!!! Wait at least four dates!”

After she printed her rules out, she made me read it out loud and sign it in acknowledgement.

Someday, I’d get my revenge.

“Now, you take a shower while I rummage through your closet for some decent clothes for your pictures.”

I saluted her and headed off into the bathroom.

Missy mumbled something under her breath. “Jeez, do you own any clothes that aren’t black?”

“Other than my jeans and a couple of T-shirts? Nope, all my clothes are black,” I replied, wondering what was wrong with black. “Black goes with everything. It’s flattering, it’s slimming...”

“It’s boring,” Missy continued. “We need to get you some brighter clothes. You want to look happy, not like you’re going to a funeral.”

“Fine, we’ll go to the mall. I don’t have any clients on Wednesday, if you have a couple of hours free,” I shouted over the sound of the shower.

“Wednesday after work sounds good. I’ll pick you up at 5:30.”