I don’t understand how men think, but when we returned to the hotel, Adam seemed to have forgotten all about our little argument at the restaurant and directed me back to his room. He began to strip me before the door had fully closed behind us.
I could have waited until after we made love, but I feared I would lose my nerve if I didn’t bring it up now. I stopped him from unhooking my bra and pulled out of his embrace.
“We need to talk.”
Adam reacted by covering his ears with his hands and falling face forward onto the bed. Then he laughed and flipped over, resting casually on his elbow. “Couldn’t we talk later?”
“No.” I didn’t need to say anything more. He patted the bed and I sat next to him with my legs crossed, far away enough from him that he couldn’t distract me for having our conversation.
“Why were you so angry at me at the restaurant? I apologized for insulting you.”
He moved over to be closer to me and put his head in my lap. I couldn’t help myself as I started to run my fingers through his hair. He sighed, and I wasn’t sure if it was due to contentment or because I was making him talk rather than having sex.
“It wasn’t because you insulted me or belittled me, although I appreciated that you recognized and apologized for it. It’s because you don’t know how to make a decision for yourself,” he said without looking at me.
I almost started to argue with him, but it occurred to me he was right. I couldn’t even figure out if I was a cat or a dog person.
“What happened between you and Missy, if you don’t mind me asking?” He started to caress my thigh, but it didn’t feel sexual. It felt comforting. I could trust him.
“She told me Caleb wasn’t right for me.”
Adam interrupted. “He isn’t.”
I nodded, then closed my eyes to suppress the tears. “I know, but I didn’t want to hear it. She admitted she had been in love with me and instead of validating her feelings, I told her she was using me as an excuse to keep from getting hurt in a real relationship.”
“You were right, but you used her, too.”
“How did I use her?” I kept my temper under control, but I suddenly had a craving for chocolate. Running low on my supply, I wondered if I could find a few candy bars somewhere in the hotel.
“You let her make all your decisions for you. She’s the one who got you on JDate right? I’m surprised you can get dressed by yourself.”
“I don’t need her for all my decisions. I didn’t ask her whether I should have sex with you.” I immediately regretted the words the moment they left my mouth. He yanked back his hand as if my thigh burned it. I felt his rejection of me to the core, and the tears started flowing before I could stop them.
“You’re the best decision I’ve ever made,” I cried. His head cradled in my lap, I reached to kiss him and discovered his face wet with his own tears. How had I never known how sensitive a man Adam Goldman was?
When he sat up with such sadness in his eyes, I knew. My heart ached and my gut twisted in a sense of foreboding for what I understood down to my soul. I didn’t want to hear the words, but they needed to be said out loud.
“Sara, I haven’t told you the complete truth.”
Alison had been right. My mind shouted no, don’t let him say it, but all that came out of my mouth were the words, “Go on.”
“I’ve always wanted you. The truth is, I don’t want to get married. Ever.”
“To me?” I squeaked out, barely able to control my anguish.
“To anyone. I don’t think marriage works. My parents have each been married and divorced twice, and I promised myself I’d never do that.”
“What do you want?” Although Adam stood right in front of me, I had never felt more alone.
“I want you. I do. I can’t make you any promises about the future. That’s why I never asked you out. That’s why I kissed you in the dark. Because I want you, but I can’t have you. You want it all and, Sara, you deserve it all. You deserve a husband who adores you, who can give you everything you want. But it won’t be me.”
“Why did you start this then? If you knew you’d never marry me, why? When I risked the media catching word of our affair and announcing it on national television, before I could even tell Caleb? You knew what I wanted, Adam. How could you do this to me?”
“Because I’m selfish and I wanted you and this was the only chance I’d have to be with you. Because you should not marry Caleb!”
I wanted to tell him he had no choice in the matter and he had just given up any right to mandate what decisions I made in my life. He didn’t give me the chance.