His face crumpled in disappointment and for a second, I almost blurted out yes to avoid facing my guilt. But it would be worse if I changed my mind after accepting his proposal.
“I wish I could say yes right now, but I need to work out a couple things in my head before I can do that.”
“I understand. I shouldn’t have surprised you like this.”
“No, it was everything I ever dreamed and more.” I took his hands in mine and stood, bringing him off of his knees. Then I put my hands on his face and brought his face to mine for a kiss.
“Don’t worry, Caleb. I love you. I want to spend my life with you. You know I have a hard time making my own decisions. This is one of the most important decisions of my life, and I need to do it on my own.”
“How much time do you need?”
“I don’t know. I can’t really tell you exactly.” I kept glancing at the ring. I could tell without putting it on it wouldn’t fit. Was that a sign?
“I think we should take a break, Sara.”
“I don’t want to take a break! I just need some time.”
“Maybe we both need to do some thinking. It never occurred to me you wouldn’t automatically say yes. I’m not sure how I feel about your need to think it over.”
“What are you suggesting?” I asked, worried Caleb would walk away from me forever.
“I just think we should spend time away from each other.”
“For how long?”
“I’ll pick you up from the airport when you get back from Israel,” he said bitterly. Even though he’d never voiced his opinion, I don’t think he wanted me going on a singles trip to Israel.
“Can we talk on the phone at least until I go?”
“Sure. I don’t know how to get through a day without talking to you.”
“I feel the same way.” Without Missy in my life, Caleb was my closest friend.
Caleb put his arms around me and gently kissed me. I didn’t want to say goodbye.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He nodded, refusing to look me in the eyes.
How should I phrase it so I wouldn’t offend him? “Do you remember the first time we kissed?”
Caleb eyebrows rose inquisitively. “Of course I do.”
“Remind me.”
“On our first date, before our walk. I’ll never forget our first kiss or any other firsts for that matter,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, obviously alluding to the first time we had sex.
At least that idea temporarily cheered him up. His response confirmed what I already surmised. Caleb was not my mystery kisser from my brother’s wedding.
That meant he was still out there.
Could I marry Caleb knowing full well there was someone out there who made me feel ... more?
Caleb again grew somber. “Why are you asking about our first kiss?”
I should tell him the truth. How could I lie to the man who just asked me to marry him?
“Just seeing if you remembered,” I lied and hugged him to me feeling the warmth of his body. Unfortunately, he stayed rigid in my arms, a sign of his undisclosed anger.
I wanted to call Missy and ask her to make this decision for me, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t have her to help me or tell me what to do. I kept Caleb’s proposal to myself, praying to God I’d find the answer waiting for me in Israel.
CHAPTER 24
JUNE 29, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
WEIGHT: 188
STATUS: COMMITTED
I hate to fly. No, hate might not be strong enough a word for how I feel about flying. I didn’t always feel that way. As a child, my parents would take Seth and me to Florida every winter break and the airplane ride was one of my favorite parts of my vacation. I’d make my father buy a pair of headphones that plugged into the arm of my seat in order to listen to the Disney channel playing classics from The Jungle Book, Dumbo, and Snow White. Most of the time we didn’t even go to Disney World, but just hearing the music excited me for my trip. Then as I got older, I would bring my own disc player, in order to listen to more mature music like Madonna and Britney Spears as the plane both departed and approached the airports.
Now that the airlines insist all electronic devices be turned off and stored while taking off and landing, all I hear are the unknown noises the plane makes. Each one convinced me we were going to crash.
I usually took a Xanax to zone out, but since I have to change planes in New York, I had to come up with a different plan.
I had lunch in the airport lounge, mostly indulging in liquid spirits.
By the time I got on the plane, I was already flying high and takeoff was a breeze. I don’t think the lady sitting next to me appreciated my inebriated chatting, but I’d never see her again, so what did I care?