A Year to Remember(53)

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I couldn’t make this decision by myself. I needed her help.

“He’s a great guy. He’s intelligent, handsome, and caring. He’ll make a great husband and father one day.”

“But?”

“But I’m not overwhelmingly attracted to him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love kissing him. I have a hard time getting into it when he’s touching me. I realized last night it’s not him. It’s me. There’s something wrong with me.” I took a deep breath and settled back into my chair waiting for her to fix everything for me.

Missy frowned and didn’t say a word.

Perhaps she needed me to prompt her for an answer. “What do you think I should do?”

“You want the honest truth?”

“Of course.” Did she think I wanted her to lie to me? Is that what she normally did?

“I think Caleb isn’t right for you.”

Was this a conspiracy? Had she been talking to Goldman?

“Why?”

“Hey, you wanted honesty,” she scolded.

I nodded in acquiescence and commanded myself to calm down.

“Did you ever wonder why you can’t find the right guy?”

Now that seemed like a silly question. Of course I did! If I engaged in self-introspection I blamed it on my weight, my career, my age, my hair, and my religion. Usually, I preferred to lay the blame on societal standards and men in general.

“Yes, I have considered the question a time or two. Why? Do you have the answer I’ve been searching for?”

“Did you ever think maybe you’re not attracted to men because you’re really ...?”

Oh God. Was she about to say what I think she’s going to say? No, please, no.

“... a lesbian?”

She must have been harboring this fantasy of my being a lesbian for a while now. I didn’t want to break her heart. Normally, I’d go to Missy for advice when faced with this type of situation. How did I talk about this without hurting her feelings?

“Missy, I’m not a lesbian. If I were, you would be the first person I’d tell. You’d be perfect for me if you had a penis, but you don’t. I’m sorry.”

Missy started to blink as she forced back the tears that had formed at my vehement denial. “Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault I’m delusional.”

“You’re not delusional.”

“Oh no? Then why did I think someday you’d wake up and realize you and I are meant to be together?” She no longer held back the tears as she began to cry. I’ve never made her cry in all the years we’ve been friends. Sure we’d had disagreements, but we’ve never had a true fight where one of us cried or hung up the phone on the other. We’ve been best friends for almost twenty-five years!

“Missy, I have a question, but I don’t want you to get mad at me.” I paused and when she didn’t refuse, I continued. “What happened between you and Lori in college?”

Missy choked back a sob sounding like someone had punched her in the gut. I guess that someone was me.

“What do you mean?” She inspected her nails, refusing to meet my eyes.

“When we saw her at the movies, I got the feeling you knew more about why she stopped hanging out with us. I didn’t want to make you tell me, but I expected you’d tell me on your own. Now I need to know. What happened between you and Lori?”

I assumed I knew the answer. I expected her to explain they had been secret lovers and when they broke up, Lori could no longer handle being around Missy.



“Lori kissed me one night at a party. She told me she wanted to come out of the closet as a bisexual and date me. I refused.”

“You weren’t attracted to her and she couldn’t handle it.”

She shook her head. “No. When she kissed me, I was plenty attracted to her. I wouldn’t go any further because of you.”

“Why because of me?”

“Because I was waiting for you to realize you were in love with me like I’m in love with you.”

I couldn’t breathe. No way could Missy be in love with me. She must be confused. I started to hyperventilate, but concentrated on taking deep controlled breaths, so I wouldn’t faint. Caleb wasn’t here to catch me this time.

I put on my therapist hat. It was the only way to disassociate myself from this mess.

“Missy, maybe you’ve been using me as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt.”

Yes, that sounded like a logical explanation.

“Hurt from what, Dr. Friedman? Obviously it didn’t work because I’m feeling pretty hurt right now.” Oops, of course she caught on I had switched to psychologist mode.