“Vagina,” said Missy.
Soon the room joined in offering various names of a woman’s privates.
“Pink Taco.”
“Honeypot.”
“Lady parts.”
“Hoo Ha.”
“Muffin.”
It went on and on for ten minutes, until the room ran out of colloquialisms for it. Then Martha stood and informed everyone bingo would be delayed for a few minutes, but to enjoy a cup of coffee on the house.
“Now we have completed our linguistics lesson for the day, we should get to our technique,” proclaimed Martha.
“That’s all right...” I said, thinking of an excuse to leave this place.
“No, no. This is good. We’re lesbians. We know everything there is to know about cunnilingus,” Ashley declared.
“Why don’t we talk about this later? Martha needs to get the bingo game started or the crowds are going to get angry,” I asserted.
“No, they’ll be fine, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Martha said.
I sat there glued to my seat while my friends explained in detail the nuances of oral sex.
“First of all, you need to know your own body. You do know where your clitoris is, right?” Ashley asked, pronouncing it clit-OR-is.
“CLIT-oris,” Missy corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Ashley stated.
“No, you said clit-OR-is. It’s pronounced CLIT-oris. The emphasis should be on the clit,” Missy said.
“Clit-OR-is, CLIT-oris. You can say it either way. Though Missy’s got the right idea. The emphasis must always be on the clit.” Nina giggled.
“All right, all right. Yes, Ashley, I might not be a lesbian, but I do know where to find my clitoris.”
“How do you like it stimulated?” asked Ashley.
“What do you mean exactly?” I responded. Honestly, what kind of question is that?
“Some women like a soft touch while others prefer a firmer one. Then of course, some like a circular motion and others like an up and down one,” Ashley said.
“Don’t forget back and forth,” Caitlin added.
“Then there’s the issue of the part of the tongue you prefer. You can create completely different sensations depending on whether you use the flat part or the tip of the tongue,” explained Nina clinically, as though we were sitting in anatomy class.
“Oh, and then there’s the blow job,” Ashley said.
“I don’t need lessons on how to give a guy a blow job,” I reminded my friends.
“I was talking about giving a woman a blow job,” Ashley stated.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, shifting in my seat. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“The tissue of the clitoris is almost identical to the tissue found in the penis. You can suck on the clitoris like you’d give a man a blowjob. Since you already know how to do that, I don’t need to explain it any further,” Ashley said.
By now, Missy laughed so hard she practically fell out of her chair. I shot her a dirty look, but that just made her laugh harder.
“Even if he won’t go down on you, he could use his fingers to get you off. Or if you’re comfortable, you can bring some toys into the mix,” Nina said with a twinkle in her eye.
“Ooh, yeah. Do you own a vibrator?” Caitlin asked.
“Um, no.”
“Every girl needs a vibrator. Then, you won’t even need Caleb!” Caitlin announced.
“I think Caleb might take offense to becoming sexually irrelevant.” Nina laughed.
“Do you think he’d take offense if you introduced a vibrator in the bedroom?” Ashley asked.
“He’s kind of on the conservative side. I doubt he’d be ready to deal with sex toys.” I couldn’t picture Caleb ever getting into sex toys like handcuffs or blindfolds. He just didn’t strike me as one of those men.
“In the meantime, you should show him what he needs to do to bring you to orgasm. Guys really like it when girls masturbate in front of them,” Nina offered.
“I, um, really?” I didn’t know if I could do that in front of Caleb.
“Definitely. Guys think it’s hot!” Nina reiterated.
“Then once you demonstrate how you like it, give him a shot at you. He can use his thumb to stimulate your clitoris while penetrating you with his fingers in a ‘come hither’ motion which will stroke your G-spot,” explained Ashley.
“I thought G-spots were a myth.”
They laughed again, and I felt like a ten-year-old virgin.
“I think men started that rumor,” Missy exclaimed.
“The G-spot is tissue you can find when you’re already aroused and if you have him massage it while touching your clitoris, you’ll have the most amazing orgasm of your life,” Nina professed.