But after that initial depressive shock there's a period where you are elated, and the world seems filled with possibilities. There are opportunities everywhere and you're overwhelmed with a feeling of purpose. Creative energy swarms over you and you start thinking about all the free time you have to pursue projects, finally writing that book or watching all those movies that you could never watch when you were together because she didn't like Nicolas Cage, and now you wonder how you could ever have been with someone who didn't like Nicolas Cage. And then you start thinking about going to a cookery class, and going dating again, and you start to notice all the pretty people around you but then you see the couples as well and you reach the third stage, where things balance out.
That's the stage I hated because there was nothing to be happy about. It was a stage in which I knew that things would never be the same. I had spent a lot of time and energy on our relationship, and it had led to nothing. I wasn't as young as I used to be and it wasn't easy to just date around. I had baggage, a word I used to hate when I was younger, and anyone I met would always be viewed in comparison with Lacey. It wasn't fair, but it was true. And the worst thing was that I was crap at dating and talking to people. Usually I met people by chance, but now that I was trying I must have had an air of desperation about me because nothing seemed to work, and it was easier for Lacey because she found someone else quickly (which was one of the things we argued about I mean...when we were together she barely had time to be in a proper relationship and then after we broke up she found someone so quickly that it made me wonder if she had loved me at all).
Facebook is a killer for that. I did hide her so I didn't have to look at her updates, but we still had a lot of mutual friends so she kept popping up and I had to deal with scrolling down, seeing her having fun when she should have been broken-hearted like me. Why wasn't she drowning in a sea of despair?
But that was all in the past and sure I'm angry but I have better things to do than let her spoil my future. I wanted to get back out there and find someone, even if it was just someone to hang out with. What I really needed was a bit of excitement and romance, I wasn't even looking for love, but I still couldn't find that. I tried nagging my friends to see if they knew anyone suitable but the answer always came back as negative, even though I saw them talk to people on Facebook who were pretty but apparently they were too pretty to me. I tried to hang out at coffee shops and bars but conversation never happened and I felt even lonelier among a crowd of people than I did sitting in my own apartment.
There was one refuge left, one that I didn't want to do, that I swore I would never do, but it seemed to be the only way out for me, the only slash of sunlight in the bleak fog...online dating.
I'd heard so many horror stories that I didn't want to sign up to it but it seemed to be a way of life in the 21st century. Everyone seemed to use it, and it was a great way to connect with people that you would otherwise never meet. So after getting over my initial trepidation I found myself creating an account. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with a username, and then I had to scroll through all the horrible pictures of me to find a few that were suitable and didn't make me seem like a troglodyte. In doing so I had to pass all the photos I had of me and Lacey, and I had to try not to feel nauseous at how happy we looked. The perfect couple, now apart.
After that I did the usual guff about how I loved traveling (even though I hadn't been on vacation in years) and when I read it through I sounded like a total loser, but I figured everyone thought that so I submitted the profile and then went through the website to see who was in my area and who had been selected as my matches. There were rows and rows of pictures, and I was amazed at how many single people there were around me. Where had they all been when I had been out looking for them? Probably sitting inside on their computers by the looks of it.
I started clicking on a few profiles, wondering who to message and what to say. I had intended at first just to find a couple of people to talk to and see what happened, but everyone seemed better than the last and I was left with a feeling that I wasn't in control. All those people were out there, waiting for me, but which ones did I choose? Which ones would like me?
My inbox flashed and my heart fluttered. I'd only just put my profile up and already I had three messages. I licked my lips and swallowed hard as I started to read. The first one was just from the admin welcoming me to the site, and the other two were from men. Both of them saying that they would love to take me to bed, as though I should have been grateful that they deemed me worthy of being fuckable. I scowled and cursed and meandered my way through the site until I found the settings, and changed them so that no men could bother me. After this I felt better, but I felt angry that I had gotten excited for nothing. I set the ice cream dish aside and turned the TV off, instead preferring to listen to music as I trawled the site for potential partners. I went through profile after profile, and I started to become the people I used to hate, those who would dismiss someone for an errant mole or a high forehead or a big nose, a shallow person. But it was easy to be shallow in the anonymous guise of the Internet, and yet I wondered what people were thinking of my profile when they came across it. For some I read, I was inspired, and quickly went back to my own profile to change it and make it more fun.