She had the same heart-shaped face and the same confident swagger, swaying her hips and flicking a cigarette so casually. Her hair was a different color now, dyed turquoise instead of the mousy-brown it had always been, but the image of her had been etched into my mind, into my soul that I knew it had to be her and that just filled me with even more excitement.
She'd been one of the more notable people to leave home and had done so of her own volition. She was one of those kids that adults always said were trouble but that was only because they didn't understand her. Ivy was a couple of years older than me but she may as well have been a decade older because while I was just a girl she was a woman and seemed to know exactly who she was and who she was going to be. She didn't care about anyone's opinion and was always getting in trouble for smoking at school or speaking back and questioning the teachers. Nothing ever satisfied her and she was always cruising for an argument with someone in authority but to my younger self that just made her amazing in my eyes. She drove the boys crazy as well and there were rumors. Oh man, were there so many rumors about her. They stabbed at my heart. I'm not sure how much truth there was to them but I used to lay in bed at night and pray that there were all made up because I hated the idea of other people touching her, feeling her warmth and her heat, while I was on the sidelines, not even in the game because I still had the body of a boy. My curves hadn't yet grown in so I wasn't even on her radar and I knew that I would have to wait.
But I never got my chance because she was gone by the time I was old enough. The whole thing was a clandestine affair, which I never would have thought since she was usually so loud and cavalier about things. But one day she was there and the next she wasn't, having sneaked out during the night. All the adults said that it was for the best because she was a bad influence on the rest of us but her leaving showed me that it was possible too. However, I still kept hoping that someday she would return home so that I could see her again and tell her how I felt. I don't know how I knew, but I just had a twinge in my gut that she felt the same way about girls as I did. Maybe it's some kind of sixth sense that we have, I don't know, but that's why I don't believe in all those rumors with all those boys.
Just the thought of her being in the same city as me filled me with hope and excitement. The odds were against me because there were hundreds of thousands of souls, but if I was right and we were caught up in the same current then we'd encounter each other again, and soon, and I just had to hope that she remembered me. I suppose it wasn't hard to believe that she was in this city too because it was the natural stopping point, but I couldn't believe my luck that I had actually seen my childhood crush. I'd only been away from home for one day and already I was feeling more free than I had ever been.
I quickly settled into my new apartment, which I had arranged ahead of leaving home, and the first night I could barely sleep. Most of it was due to excitement but I have to admit that I was scared as well. Aside from the odd sleepover and camping trip this was the first night that I had ever stayed away from home, and I never realized how loud the city would be at night. Back home, everyone would be in bed and the only noises would be from animals that were scurrying about in the night. Otherwise everything would be still and silent and you could barely believe that there were other people living nearby. But in the city it was impossible to forget. I heard the rumbling of a train in the distance interspersed with people shouting. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but it didn't sound at all pleasant. The screams of wild sex filtered through my walls and it made me think of Ivy again, wishing that she was there to make me scream like my neighbors, to make my throat raw with orgasmic cries.
I suddenly felt lonely as I looked around at my dank corners. Shadows stretched everywhere and it was a far cry from the comfort of my own home. I hadn't brought much with me but I found myself pulling a picture of me and my parents out. A silent tear fell on it, followed by a flood. What was I doing? I was just a silly girl who wanted to make it in the big city, but I had no idea how to actually go about it. I heard the shattering of glass and my heart began to race. The moonlight speared through the window and illuminated my eyes. I crept up to it and opened it to look out on the night. I breathed in deeply. The city smelled dirty and grimy, and I couldn't see the stars in the sky. It made me long for home so I crawled into bed, clutching the picture close to my breasts, hoping that I hadn't made a grave mistake.
Chapter 4
I was still feeling low the following morning and I had to wipe my eyes because the tears had caked on my face. I didn't want to mope, and I knew that I had to try my best to prove to myself that I had made the right decision. I think I was just shocked at the change in scenery and the realization at how alone I was. There was no safety net anymore and it's surprising how frightening independence can be. But I had to make a life for myself and that day was the first day of the rest of my life.