THE END
If It Isn’t Her
If It Isn’t Her
Chapter 1
I remember all their faces when I told them that I was leaving. Bobby was there looking crestfallen. After I had made the announcement he came up to me and tried to get me to stay, told me that we could be married and have kids, that even though we'd only been on a few dates we could still be together properly because that's how people used to do it in the old days. He even had his mother's wedding ring to give me to. I wanted to slap him. Was he so blind, or was I that good an actor? I suppose having kept a secret for so long I must have gotten good at it. I'd only been on a few dates with him because both he and my parents had been so insistent but being with him made my skin crawl. He had acne on his forehead. He slurped his drinks. His lips smacked when he hate and he kept trying to hold my hand, to be close to me, but I needed him otherwise people would have known the truth and that wouldn't have done in my precious small town.
But he was just one of the faces. There were the others as well, my parents, all the townspeople. Everyone. It was like you couldn't do anything without anyone being involved. Some people liked the close-knit nature of the community but I found it stifling and suffocating, like I was losing myself in the whole.
When I said that I was leaving there was an icy silence, then a few moments later some murmurs rippled through the crowd. How could she be leaving? I heard the astonishment in their voices. This place was paradise a slice of the traditional past, a town that prided itself on being wholesome and pure and chaste in an effort to fight against the terrible corruption of the modern world. Why would anyone leave paradise by choice?
There had been a few people to leave before me and it had always caused consternation. Usually it was people being thrown out of town by a vote of the committee, of which my father was part. He was old but still stood up straight and looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. All I could see in them was disappointment. One time, two men had been asked to leave town because their friendship was disturbing some people. Another time, music found us and the committee actually tried to ban dancing. One of the schoolteachers was fired because she was too kind to her students and people thought there was something funny going on. I don't think there was though. No one I've ever spoken to has ever told me that she mistreated them in any way. But the town is ruled by fear and paranoia, and the minute they think the serpent is slithering through Eden they're ready with their pitchforks.
That's why I had to leave because I knew that I couldn't be myself while I was there. I knew that I had to leave since I was little. I looked around at all the square houses and the white picket fences and the small dogs yapping in the front yards, and I knew that it wasn't going to be a place that I grew up in. I was different and I was lucky enough to have realized that from a young age so I didn't have to go through a lot of confusion. I don't think there was an exact moment when I knew that I liked girls; it's just always been the way things were.
Even when we were younger and were sharing secret things when we had sleepovers, cuddled together under the warm sheets, our soft milky flesh brushing against each other, I knew that I felt different to the others. They would all talk about boys and I would laugh gently and make up lies to keep up with them because I knew if they knew the truth that I would be the center of controversy. If I were outed, then my parents would be forced out of town too. As much as I've been frustrated with them over the course of my life, I didn't want to see them unhappy, and I knew that if they were run out of town they would have been devastated. There's no way they would have made it in the real world. So this isn't a decision that I'm taking wholly for myself, I'm also doing it for them.
My mom ran up to me and hugged me. My father remained restrained. That broke the tension and everyone else rushed up to me and wished me well, said it was sad that I was leaving but they understood that sometimes people needed to leave to go and experience the world. I'd told them that I wanted to explore the wider world so that I could get to know myself better and have a better understanding of faith and try to implement the teachings of Jesus in the wider world. All I wanted to do was finally lose my virginity, and shed the cloak of shame that haunted me everywhere I turned. I just wanted to live my life without pretense.
That was a week ago and I'm not missing it at all.
Chapter 2
Don't get me wrong, I am missing my parents because I've spent my whole life under their roof but it's nice to have freedom, to not have a curfew. The first night I got here, ten 'o clock rolled around and I squealed as I watched the hand of the clock tick around. It felt so naughty, so forbidden, and there wasn't anyone to punish me. I've rented a small apartment and managed to get a job as a waitress in a small restaurant. From a small town to a small apartment and a small restaurant, but in a big city.